Is it wrong to still feel frustrated, to still want to wave my fist at the sky and stomp my feet childishly.
Is it wrong to want to see my child bleed…
Just a little?
We were asked yesterday, by a doctor I hasten to add, if BB bled excessively when she skinned her knees or took a tumble.
She has never bled, my daughter has never walked long enough to fall down.
Six weeks post spica and she lacks the confidence in her leg to try to walk. I dream of uploading a video to this blog of those tentative first steps but when I wake I see my beautiful baby scoot on her behind chasing after me. It breaks my heart, she should be running through the house, darting round the garden and tripping over her own two feet and taking the skin off her unblemished knees.
I know my daughter is perfect, I know she will learn to walk, I know this time will eventually be behind us but still I find the ugly moaning mother fighting to climb out of me and have her say.
I want to watch her run after the balls she adores to bounce.
I want to catch her in my arms as she hurtles towards me.
I want to see her sandwiched between twin boy and girl hand in hand standing upright placing one foot in front of another.
Patience is a virtue I was born without…
BB looks at her legs with a deep suspicion, they have dislocated and broken without her permission and it seems it will take a long time to rebuild that trust. As her language skills start to finally improve she cries out ‘ow’ and rubs her leg. We were told it wouldn’t hurt, I am filled with terror as to why it is hurting again.
Is the hip still in, I try to summon my inner x-ray glasses to check her hip still sits firmly in its socket but all I can see is a beautiful leg marked by a slither of a scar.
Hypermobility is also conspiring against her, she may not be walking but my two-year old angel can flex her feet in ways ballet dancers dream of, still seeing your baby bend her ankles 360 does not inspire you that those ankles will support her moving.
But she’s happy.
She is content.
She can do stairs, she can fly round on her arse like no tomorrow – if I attached a duster I would never need to polish the floor again.
But how I long to see her walk….
blimmin hell – you just made me question that too, erin has only ever bled in surgery where we havent seen the consequences. Like BB she has never run to tumble. I don’t know either and I want to. My god my heart aches for that. It’ll come for both our girls xx
one day…..
It will happen. I know EXACTLY how you feel though. You know I do. x
I know xxxxx
Ahem. You polish the floor??
Hell yes!
The only comfort is that you’re the one bearing most the pain. I’ll wager she’s as happy and content as any toddler. This is all the life she knows and, apart from her leg, it’s full of riches. It’s you who realises how much she is missing. If she has any memory of these very early years, it will be of your devotion and being spoiled by nurses in hospital. I say this with confidence because I spent a good part of my first two years in hospital and the only part of the experience that pains me now is knowing, with hindsight, how my parents must have suffered.
What were you in for?
That was such a powerful and beautifully written post. She will walk. She will. I’m not surprised she feels distrustful towards her legs. And I cant imagine the frustration and upset you feel but your well choosen words help to give me a clearer picture.
thanks honey
As you know, I am an adult example of your lovely daughter so I know how you are feeling and all I can say is that it will happen and it will be a beautiful and wonderful moment that you will treasure forever. xxx
Thanks honeys x
oh gosh – and then you go and write a moving and beautiful post and to write something inappropriate would be errr…. in appropriate.
*moves on*.
Nothing to see here!!!!
Oh my love. There’s not a lot I can say really. My daughter had very different problems and I once wrote a post called miracle walker when she finally got up and walked, aged 2. Reading your post the words that stick out are: she’s happy, she is content. I’ll add to that, she’ll get there in the end. xx
Thanks Rosie xxxx
All of your children are quite clearly very intelligent. I think that and a carefullness in her character is probably what’s holding her back.
It’s so difficult to watch or feel that your children are suffering in any way. But you are doing a great job. I hope that BB will be off running around this summer and that you will be able to start on your own recovery.
When you decide to have kids you know you’ll have to run around after them, matching smelly socks and wiping runny noses but these kinds of highs and lows we can’t anticipate. Probably a good thing!!
Thanks beautifulx
She is gorgeous and looks feisty and driven. She will do it 🙂
I recall Natty taking her first steps at around 2 years old, quite early for a child with DS. We molly coddled, we wrapped in cotton wool. She fell. Hit her head on a stone archway.
I took her to a GP who sternly looked at the bruised, raised eyebrow and told me. “This is beautiful. I bruise like this means she is doing what she should be doing. Toddling and falling.”
It will happen honey, and she will bleed. In a good way x
Beautiful x