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Northern Mum

Crossfitting, pancreas acting, single mum to three

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Northernmum: My time in pubs and Tesco’s toilets…..

It was May, we had spent the weekend with our parents at the races, it was 2005 and our family just consisted of two, me and he who would be creating them.

I felt different, a little tired, a little sick, I convinced myself it was down to a weekend of over indulgence.

But still, as I walked into a Chemists on the Sunday morning and passed the testing aisle I paused.  It had only been six weeks since the doctor had told us we would struggle to conceive, realistically I knew it couldn’t be my time; not yet.

But my bargain hunting eye spotted a pregnancy test for 99p.  I would have had to have been a fool to resist such an economic purchase. I took it to the till, bought it and slipped it into my bag.

Outside the shop stood my boyfriend (the future HWHCT), my parents and my future in-laws.

“Where have you been” questioned my mum, “you were gone ages.”  Deciding not to share that I had been buying a test designed to prove the success of my sexual activity I merely waved my hand in a gesture of ‘this and that’ and together we all headed out for lunch.

I am not a patient woman…..

Moments after we had settled into the pub for some lunch I excused myself and ran bag in hand to the bathroom.

Telling myself it couldn’t be, I unwrapped my 99p present.  It didn’t look like those on the TV…

It looked like a PH strip.

I read the instructions, it clearly directed me to empty my bladder in a pot of some description and then to insert this thin strip of paper inside it.

I surveyed my options which included a plant pot (with a plant in) a toilet roll holder or a bin….

To be honest none of them looked particularly comfortable to take a piddle in.

I decided to just do a bit of target practice and wrapping an abundance of toilet roll around my hand I ungainly bent over the toilet and widdled away whilst waving a small PH strip between my legs.

It turned blue; bright blue…

I stared at it whilst unwrapping the ‘dry’ loo roll from my palm.

I didn’t know what blue meant.

Like a fool I had tossed the paperwork in the bin not knowing you needed a BSC to read these things.

I carefully retrieved the finer details.

Blue: Pregnant.

I looked again at the tiny piece of paper that had cost all of 99p and watched as my jaw hit the ground.

Pregnant…

And I was stuck in a public house bathroom about to have lunch with my parents, future in-laws and man who one day would make me his wife.

Holy Shit,

I turned and vomited into the toilet, a function that I would repeat from the day every day for another 35 weeks.

I went back to the table and spent two hours trying to telepathically communicate with He who had no idea that he had created something.  His telepathic radar was crap, no amount of eyeballing, leg squeezing, wine refusing or hand holding managed to communicate the most obvious of circumstances; that I was carrying his child.

In actual fact I was carrying his two children but no test is currently on sale to tell you this yet.

We left the pub and his parents drove us home.   It took forever, his Dad cruised at 25 miles an hour and stopped for petrol.  We got home eventually and I ran into the house grabbed the keys to our car and told he who was utterly clueless I was off for bread and milk.

Ten minutes later I stood in the baby aisle in Tesco’s surveying the range of tests that have the ability to change your life.

I ignored the cheap ones,  I snatched the creme de la creme £9.99 stick to pee on and hid it under a magazine in my basket.  At the checkout I whistled nonchalantly whilst the teenage boy fumbled embarrassed at my purchase.  This, Tampax and incontinence pads are the reason self-service tills were invented.

Back to the next public loo.

Now a self-proclaimed professional in peeing I weed with enthusiasm and then stared at the small square window.

One line appeared, then it’s twin followed.

Still in a state of disbelief I yanked the second test out from the cardboard packaging.

Forcing a tiny trickle I repeated step one and watched as two blue lines rapidly appeared.

And then in a Tesco toilet I broke down and sobbed.

After spending far too long in a public bathroom I eventually emerged red-eyed and overwhelmed.  The queue of old ladies eyed me with suspicion, one checked out my arm for track marks.

Making a swift exit I found myself back in the baby aisle and moments later I was stood at the till clutching a baby on board sign.

I drove home in a mass of emotions, tears  coursing down my cheeks and my hand seemed to be magnetically drawn to my belly.  Christ knows how I managed to navigate the streets without careering into another car.  Pregnancy tests should come with a don’t drive or operate heavy machine after reading a positive result sticker.

I pulled into our drive and stuck the Baby on Board sign in the rear window.

Walking to our front door I tried to compose myself so my voice would not betray me.

I opened the door…

“Darling,” I called with a hiccup…

He who was about to get the shock of his life yelled down the stairs revealing his location to be where I had spent a lot of the afternoon.

Realising that if he was armed with the latest copy of Nuts he could be some time I took drastic action.

“I’m sorry” I sobbed up the stairs “I have crashed the car.”

I heard the slap of magazine hitting tiled floor, the scuffle of a belt being fastened and the flush of a chain.

“What” cried out a suddenly angry voice.

“You’ll have to come see, I’m sorry” I said sobbing harder.

Tearing down the stairs and onto the drive the he who had impregnated me stood looking at the car with confusion in his eyes.

Then the penny dropped, he fixated on the red ladybird hanging from the window who was telling him in no uncertain terms that this car would need to be traded in shortly for a family wagon.

He turned to me with astonishment in his eyes,

“You are going to be a Daddy” I choked crying with an enormous goofy grin on my face.

I will remember the sensation of that hug for the rest of my days, the moment we both knew life could only get better and one of us had the added relief that their car was still in one piece….

Comments

  1. Sheena says

    June 13, 2012 at 8:14 pm

    Such a riveting account! Hilarious and deeply moving…would love you to read my similar tale in Catching Babies! Fab 🙂

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      June 13, 2012 at 8:24 pm

      will pop over now!

      Reply
    • northernmum says

      June 13, 2012 at 8:24 pm

      am on my way

      Reply
  2. Mumofthreeboys says

    June 13, 2012 at 8:18 pm

    Love this post! I found myself smiling at your story but also with tears in my eyes. What a lovely way to tell the other half that they are going to be a daddy 🙂 x

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      June 13, 2012 at 8:24 pm

      Thanks x

      Reply
  3. Older Mum (In a Muddle) says

    June 13, 2012 at 9:10 pm

    That was just a fantastic story of how you became pregnant. I was gripped frok start to finish. And with your usual injection of humour too. I know that telepathic stare, raised eyebrow, kick under the table … it never bloody works!

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      June 13, 2012 at 9:28 pm

      I would have liked to think we were ‘in tune’ with each other! apprantly not!

      Reply
  4. Older Mum (In a Muddle) says

    June 13, 2012 at 9:10 pm

    I meant from not frok – that’s something you wear!

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      June 13, 2012 at 9:29 pm

      LOL!!!! I figured! x

      Reply
  5. Helenprev says

    June 13, 2012 at 9:17 pm

    Oh that’s fabulous – I loved reading that! Could picture the scene as he ran down the stairs and out to the car!

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      June 13, 2012 at 9:28 pm

      A rather stressed look sat upon his face!

      Reply
  6. Emma says

    June 13, 2012 at 10:35 pm

    Very funny and moving post. I can totally identify with your impatience and the shock (but not the twins!)

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      June 14, 2012 at 6:06 am

      That was a slightly bigger shock!

      Reply
  7. Merry says

    June 13, 2012 at 10:55 pm

    Rofl! I have six stories like that I could tell 🙂

    But not as well as you do 😉

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      June 14, 2012 at 6:07 am

      Ha! The joy of peeing on a stick…

      Reply
  8. mum of all trades says

    June 13, 2012 at 10:58 pm

    Brilliant post, you describe it all so well!

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      June 14, 2012 at 6:07 am

      Thanks 🙂

      Reply
  9. Notmyyearoff says

    June 14, 2012 at 1:22 am

    Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!! Little did you both know you were about to get two for the price of one!

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      June 14, 2012 at 6:08 am

      Eye for a bargain!

      Reply
  10. Ellie says

    June 14, 2012 at 6:16 am

    That’s lovely 🙂

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      June 14, 2012 at 7:51 am

      i aim to please x

      Reply
  11. Bod for tea says

    June 14, 2012 at 6:48 am

    Oh flippin’ ‘eck. First you make me laugh out loud and now I’ve got tears streaming down my face. Lovely, lovely post 😀 (And yes, I am hormonal.)

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      June 14, 2012 at 7:51 am

      Pregnancy will do that to you! x

      Reply
  12. Molly says

    June 14, 2012 at 8:56 am

    Ah – so sweet. I can still clearly remember the NLM’s reaction. Despite knowing it was a real possibility as we’d been trying for a couple of months, his response, “No you’re not” came as a bit of a surprise.

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      June 14, 2012 at 10:02 am

      Hahahaha

      Reply
  13. Actually Mummy... says

    June 14, 2012 at 9:09 am

    Hey lady – stick goosebumps in your tags!
    Bloody hell, wish I could remember telling hubs. I had about 45 sticks by the time I got round to it. We were also a “not able to make babies” couple – mad isn’t it

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      June 14, 2012 at 10:03 am

      Nhs….

      Reply
  14. Lisa | Mama.ie says

    June 14, 2012 at 9:44 am

    I wonder how many pregnancy tests have been carried out in public toilets. I can think of at least three that I have done myself over the years. And I have also made the mistake of throwing away the instructions before bothering to learn how to read the test! 🙂

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      June 14, 2012 at 10:03 am

      Tis easily done!

      Reply
  15. Crystal Jigsaw says

    June 14, 2012 at 2:57 pm

    Awww, what a lovely post! A memory to be forever cherished I’m sure.

    CJ x

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      June 14, 2012 at 4:04 pm

      Thanks CJ x x

      Reply
  16. liveotherwise says

    June 14, 2012 at 9:47 pm

    And what a handsome chap you chose to do your procreating with! I do love how you write. You ought to win some awards with that 😉

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      June 14, 2012 at 9:51 pm

      LOL!!! thanks lovely and HWHCT is now beaming

      Reply
  17. Lisa @ morherhoohormadness says

    June 15, 2012 at 12:10 pm

    This is lovely, makes me think of my two and mr Don’s reaction.

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      June 21, 2012 at 9:17 pm

      was it a good one?

      Reply
  18. _Mushypea says

    June 15, 2012 at 1:14 pm

    I read that with tears in my eyes. It’s truly magic to get two lines when you’re not expecting any – life is never the same from that moment on : )

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      June 15, 2012 at 7:44 pm

      certainly not! x

      Reply
  19. helloitsgemma says

    June 15, 2012 at 8:36 pm

    weirdo. those baby on board badges do my head in.

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      June 15, 2012 at 8:47 pm

      I didnt say i was a fan they just served a purpose!

      Reply
      • helloitsgemma says

        June 15, 2012 at 8:55 pm

        ok. you win.

        Reply
        • northernmum says

          June 15, 2012 at 9:06 pm

          rubbish answer – you are not trying!

          Reply
  20. amummysview says

    June 15, 2012 at 8:45 pm

    loved reading this post, what a fab story bet you were bursting to shout out your news at the table with your family!!! I love the baby on board sign, what a great idea! x

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      June 15, 2012 at 8:46 pm

      Thanks x x x x

      Reply
  21. Mel (MilkChic Breastfeeding Fashion) says

    June 15, 2012 at 8:48 pm

    I wish you’d stop making me cry! Lovely post. You must have been ready to explode (or vomit obviously…)

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      June 15, 2012 at 9:03 pm

      Sorree!!!! you are supposed to laugh over here!

      Reply
  22. Liz @ The Baby wears Prada says

    June 15, 2012 at 10:16 pm

    Love love love it! I took 14 (no joke) tests!! From the Clearblue all singing all dancing test to the £1 for 3 ph sticks, just to be absolutely certain! x

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      June 16, 2012 at 7:29 am

      Third time round I did hundreds!

      Reply
  23. Sian says

    June 16, 2012 at 6:52 am

    great story – I took 2 or was it 3 tests just to double check : ) and had to retrieve the instructions first time round!

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      June 16, 2012 at 7:32 am

      Those darn instructions should be clearer….

      Reply
  24. family four fun says

    June 16, 2012 at 7:36 pm

    I love how you told your partner – don’t think I’d manage to be that inventive through all the excitement – wonderful story x

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      June 18, 2012 at 9:57 am

      Thank you 🙂

      Reply
  25. Catherine Rodie Blagg @CoTaaB says

    June 18, 2012 at 12:31 am

    I’m crying! what a beautiful post.
    ust passing by as I try and wizz through the posts from Firidays Blog your own blog horn linky. I’m now following.. feel free to check me out too.. no pressure 🙂
    Cx

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      June 18, 2012 at 9:58 am

      Oh hullo, welcome and all that!

      Sorry I made you cry…

      Will pop by yours later

      Reply
  26. sarsm says

    June 20, 2012 at 10:38 am

    Sob!

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      June 21, 2012 at 4:43 pm

      Sorry x

      Reply
  27. shinny says

    August 31, 2012 at 8:40 pm

    Can i just say i have a similar story in aspects – I boought the same Tesco 99p special found out i was pregnant after doing a 2 hr exercise video and a jog ( it was day 1 of a fitness kick that lasted 1 day!) then i showed my friend who promptly marched me into boots and announced we had to but ” the most sophisticated technology she will ever piss on” £9.99 – i mean come on 99P who knows if thats even legal ( her words not mine!) i was then reassured i was indeed preggo and we went to macdonalds and ate till we nearly puked – which started quite promptly afterwards too! xxxx

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      August 31, 2012 at 8:49 pm

      God love the 99p test! X

      Reply
  28. Bass says

    October 26, 2012 at 8:43 pm

    Obviously reading this late, but somewhat brilliant post in all ways.

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      October 28, 2012 at 4:22 pm

      Thank you

      Reply
  29. chocorangecitymum says

    November 14, 2012 at 11:53 pm

    How funny, I did a double check test in a Tescos toilet too and burst out crying!!

    I have a feeling its a popular place for a quickie test.

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      November 22, 2012 at 10:50 pm

      Tesco baby aisle…..

      Reply

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