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Northern Mum

Crossfitting, pancreas acting, single mum to three

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The Horror: a lady, a back pack and a croissant…..

You would think I have learnt my lesson in life and know that boarding a train with two six year olds, and one beautiful baby and heading into London can spell nothing but disaster.

You would think that, but it would seem that I actually seem to have an enjoyment of getting myself into situations where my face starts to flush and my stress levels begin to put pressure on the ceiling.

So today myself, twin boy, twin girl and BB headed to the city bringing with us two moshlings, one zing-zilla, three packets of crisps, several varieties of fruit, yoghurt bars, three bottles of water, one baby doll, one normal sized buggy, one doll sized buggy, one change of clothes and a handbag filled sky high with nappies.

The train was one of the old fashioned ones, which contain small chairs, claustrophobic seating, and lots and lots of people.  Fighting the other passengers off with my two buggies I sent the older two off in search of seats whilst I used my three extra arms to carry BB, buggies and bags.  I saw that they had secured a seat each, sitting opposite one young lady who also had a seat free next to her on the window.

I approached with trepidation hoping that she would take pity on me and hop on over leaving me free to sit on the aisle so I could dump my bags at my feet and not worry about catching her head as I tried to squeeze in by the window with bags and bairn.

As I reached my destination my heart sank a little, they were sitting with a bag sitter lady, the type of passenger that likes to have one seat for herself and a whole other one for her back pack.   At first I tried to communicate with her via the unique language of silent eye conversation; I looked at her beaming whilst my arms slowly started to break under the weight of the bags and child I was carrying and my eyes silently began to murmur….

‘hello lovely lady, I know you don’t want to sit with three kids but neither do I, but we both know it is going to happen so why don’t you scoop up that bag there, shuffle along the seat and pretend to sleep whilst I try and entertain the short ones.’

She didn’t seem to speak eye language.

So I resorted to English…

“Is anyone sitting there?”  I said, and the voice in my head continued “or did you pay for an additional ticket so your backpack could enjoy the scenic view of the countryside between Berkshire and London, because if so just show me the ticket and I will be out of your way; if not just shift the bloody bag and let me sit down”

She seemed to understand although she didn’t use English to reply, she instead resorted to eye language, proving me wrong in my earlier conclusion that she was a non eye speaker.

Her eyes clearly said….

“Oh for fucks sake.”

She slowly lifted the bag from its cosy little seat and hugged it possessively to her chest, her backside remaining firmly on the aisle seat.

Wobbling more than BB, I edged my way into the now vacant seat, dropping hats and gloves around me and inadvertently catching my new seat mate on the side of her bonce with my handbag as I tried to parallel park my arse between a window and a lady and her backpack.

Once in my new seat the children pounced on me.  BB squirmed on my lap trying to reach the croissants hidden in the depths of my purse, and the twins took a more vocal approach of chanting ‘croissant, croissant’ until finally I managed to find them and dish out the goods.

Then it happened…..

Twin boy sat back in his chair, took a giant sized bite of his breakfast whilst at the same time lifting up his noise towards the train roof, he took a breath and then as if an invisible feather had caught him under his nostrils he sneezed.

Not just any sneeze.

This was a sneeze of humongous proportions.

This sneeze also contained a chunk of croissant coated in bogeys.

I watched in abject horror as in slow motion this green coated French piece of plaited bread flew out of my son’s mouth curving through the air towards the lady and her backpack.

I watched as it found its target and hit her squarely on the chest above where the handle rested.

I watched as a few rogue crumbles splattered her arms and legs.

I watched as Twin Girl’s mouth formed the sound ‘ewwwwwwww’.

I watched and thought

‘bloody glad I am in the window seat.’

Comments

  1. michelletwinmum says

    January 29, 2012 at 10:47 pm

    Lmao off, I thought this was your review at first and I got to the ‘oh for fucks sake’ and thought no way!

    These things can only happen to you Jane. Mich x

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      January 29, 2012 at 10:48 pm

      see I started to write my review, but the mornings event were bursting out of me!

      Reply
  2. Deliciousnessy says

    January 29, 2012 at 11:11 pm

    That’s bloody marvellous and serves her right.
    Triumph for twin boy and his croissant!

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      January 30, 2012 at 8:01 pm

      dont tell him I am proud of him!

      Reply
  3. Slummy to Yummy Mummy says

    January 29, 2012 at 11:46 pm

    That was brilliant. Laughing out loud just in time for bed. Thanks!

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      January 30, 2012 at 8:00 pm

      sleep well!

      Reply
  4. musodad says

    January 30, 2012 at 12:09 am

    Ha ha! That was brilliant! Karma, it’s all about the karma. 🙂

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      January 30, 2012 at 8:00 pm

      Karma rocks

      Reply
  5. Honest Mum says

    January 30, 2012 at 6:31 am

    Hysterical and serves the ‘backpack’ bag lady right. She was a child once too! Hope your London trip went well-actually I don’t. I want to hear more funny stories.

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      January 30, 2012 at 8:00 pm

      the rest was nice and calm, except for the trip home with Reading girls hockey club after they had been drinking for 8 hours….

      but that’s another blog!

      Reply
  6. Liz Fielding says

    January 30, 2012 at 7:04 am

    Serve her right. How dumb can you get? Last thing you want is to be in the seat where you’ll have to move every time beautiful baby needs nappy work.

    Bet she’ll move to the aisle seat next time. Or maybe just move. 🙂

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      January 30, 2012 at 7:59 pm

      I think if she ever sees us again she will run off screaming

      Reply
  7. Julie Relf says

    January 30, 2012 at 8:11 am

    Brill, made me smile on a Monday morning! People with no kids have no idea how complicated life can be :o)

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      January 30, 2012 at 7:59 pm

      Glad to make you smile!

      Reply
  8. scribblingmum says

    January 30, 2012 at 8:16 am

    Love it! I’d love to read the backpacker lady’s version of this, you should write it 😉

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      January 30, 2012 at 7:59 pm

      It would end badly!

      Reply
  9. Pooky @poorparenting says

    January 30, 2012 at 8:23 am

    When will you learn Jane. I’m a novice and even I know that venturing more than thirty metres from the house with more than one child is a fool’s errand…

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      January 30, 2012 at 7:58 pm

      *hangs head in shame* sorry Pooky

      Reply
  10. annickhollins says

    January 30, 2012 at 8:30 am

    Oh, what Karma! That’s what kids are for – and croissant for that matter! That will keep a smile on my face for the rest of today!

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      January 30, 2012 at 7:58 pm

      Good 🙂

      Reply
  11. speccy says

    January 30, 2012 at 8:31 am

    brilliant 🙂

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      January 30, 2012 at 7:58 pm

      thanks x

      Reply
  12. Trudi Butler says

    January 30, 2012 at 9:17 am

    Fantastic story! well done twin boy! go get em! he should start a bogey encrusted croissant campaign to rid public transport of all greedy chair-savers!

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      January 30, 2012 at 7:58 pm

      I never need to see a green croissant again!

      Reply
  13. Alex says

    January 30, 2012 at 1:07 pm

    Ha ha ha! Serves the woman right!!

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      January 30, 2012 at 7:57 pm

      exactly

      Reply
  14. Grenglish says

    January 30, 2012 at 3:12 pm

    Hilarious!

    Love train karma 🙂

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      January 30, 2012 at 7:57 pm

      train karma – I like!

      Reply
  15. Bod for tea says

    January 30, 2012 at 3:26 pm

    Just brilliant! Sometimes karma has a way of knowing exactly what’s required 🙂 Hope the rest of your day went ok x

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      January 30, 2012 at 7:57 pm

      It was lovely, we went to the flicks…. (see next blog)

      Reply
  16. mothersalwaysright says

    January 30, 2012 at 7:04 pm

    Ha ha ha. Serves her right if you ask me. Hooray for Twin Boy!

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      January 30, 2012 at 7:57 pm

      never congratulate him in public!

      Reply
  17. Super Amazing Mum says

    January 30, 2012 at 7:29 pm

    see, see, this just proves my mantra..”Its all about the karma baby”

    what did she say/do? we need part 2

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      January 30, 2012 at 7:56 pm

      she was disappointing, however as Twin girl continued to point and stare at dripping bogeys I suddenly went mad for trees outside the window chanting, ‘look kids, look at the trees, wow.’ shame we were in a built up area at the time….

      Reply
  18. elsie button says

    January 30, 2012 at 7:43 pm

    ha ha, that will learn her (as my maths teacher used to say)

    did she move?!

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      January 30, 2012 at 7:55 pm

      No – she didnt even speak but she looked totally destroyed!

      Reply
  19. Katie says

    January 30, 2012 at 8:30 pm

    I was that women on the train !!!!!

    Hahahaha hahah only kidding,well done twin boy,he always comes up with the goods when there needed lol
    I thought you’d never do a train trip until they were in the teens after last years blog good on you all, glad your day turned out good x 😀

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      January 30, 2012 at 9:29 pm

      I never bloody learn!!!!!

      I even took an extra buggy – for a doll! can you see the word MUPPET on my head?

      Reply
      • Katie says

        January 30, 2012 at 10:42 pm

        Haha I thought that but it made you braver in my book well done supermum x

        Reply
        • janeblackmore says

          January 30, 2012 at 10:50 pm

          supermum! I like this title

          Reply
  20. Mummylish says

    January 30, 2012 at 10:31 pm

    Haha hilarious! Serves her right I can’t stand “those” bag people… but seriously awesome post – funny funny funny!

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      January 30, 2012 at 10:33 pm

      thanks 🙂

      Reply
  21. Helloitsgemma says

    January 30, 2012 at 10:48 pm

    You will get banded from the trains at this rate

    Reply
    • Helloitsgemma says

      January 30, 2012 at 10:49 pm

      That should be banned – obviously

      Reply
      • janeblackmore says

        January 30, 2012 at 10:51 pm

        I preferred banded x

        Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      January 30, 2012 at 10:50 pm

      ‘banded’ eh!

      Reply
  22. older mum (in a muddle) says

    January 31, 2012 at 9:20 am

    Brilliant. Really funny! Poetic justice!

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      January 31, 2012 at 1:38 pm

      Glad you like x

      Reply
  23. trickycustomer says

    January 31, 2012 at 7:38 pm

    Marvellous. She got her just desserts!

    Fab blog by the way. xx

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      January 31, 2012 at 8:01 pm

      Thanks x x x

      Reply
  24. sarsm says

    February 3, 2012 at 10:41 pm

    Don’t you just love kids sometimes?

    Did you manage to keep a straight face?

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      February 4, 2012 at 9:11 am

      failed!

      Reply
  25. Firefly Phil says

    February 4, 2012 at 2:18 pm

    I’m just imagining that as a black-and-white silent movie… You say you went to the pictures? Forget that! You lot should be ON THE SCREEN.

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      February 5, 2012 at 11:49 am

      thanks mister – I will assume that is compliment

      Reply

Trackbacks

  1. Johnny English: Reborn (and a bit of willy bashing) « Northern Mummy with Southern Children says:
    January 30, 2012 at 7:53 pm

    […] I thought it would tickle Twin Boy and Twin Girl’s fancy so we bundled onto the train, see yesterday’s horror story, and went up to the big smoke to watch Rowan and his […]

    Reply
  2. A weekend with Iggle Piggle, a Gruffalo and somewhere to lay my weary head..... - Northern Mum says:
    May 30, 2012 at 5:19 pm

    […] In the Night Garden Live.  The journey was unremarkable (unlike last time when Twin Boy snorted a bogey covered croissant over an unsuspecting train passenger…) and the girls adored the show.  BB’s mouth fell wide open as a giant Iggle Piggle […]

    Reply
  3. The question all parents need to ask: Why are there no toilets on the tube.... - Northern Mum says:
    July 29, 2012 at 7:18 pm

    […] into London often tend to be hard work hence I am happy to report that the tube ride was uneventful; it is barely worth writing that one […]

    Reply
  4. Things to Do In London ~ Northernmum says:
    September 20, 2012 at 12:04 am

    […] see the sights?’  This is met with a disapproving look and a swift reminder of the time twin boy spat bogeys on a tourist.  However being a glutton for punishment I tend to spend the week nagging at the poor man until he […]

    Reply
  5. Affordable things to do in London~Northernmum - Northern Mum says:
    January 27, 2013 at 9:49 pm

    […] the children up into the bright lights and explore everything the city has to offer.  The journey in is not always easy, but usually when we arrive at our final destination we are all still in one piece and raring to […]

    Reply

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