Plaiting one’s pubes….

by

In recent years I have slightly misled my children. Avoiding the whole conversation about where babies come from and how they actually trundle down the birth canal has always been a focus of mine and he who helped create them.

When BB was born, twin girl was full of awkward questions but was easily fulfilled by a quick glimpse of the bandage on my stomach and was happily comforted in the knowledge that babies were simply lifted from your tummy and then a doctor glued you together again.

In short I skipped over the whole natural birth bit.

Then some smart arse kid tried to educate my child on biology and they very nearly came to blows as twin girl argued with all her strength that babies were cut out with a massive knife rather than accept the theory that a eight pound baby could be pushed out of a teeny tiny little hole between your front and back bottoms.

So I eventually confessed and begged forgiveness for my hiding of the whole truth and this is what I said.

“When a baby is ready to be born a magic hole appears near where you have a wee and the baby comes through it and then the hole magically disappears again. Some ladies magic hole’s are broken so then the doctors help when it doesn’t open in time.”

So the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. I just merely omitted the blood, tearing, stitching and general hellish pain from my tale.

The twins seemed happy and life went on.

This week my cousin had a baby; I happily shared the news with twin boy and girl, this was their reaction….

Twin Boy: “did she get her baby cut out with a sword?”

Twin Girl: “no silly, her second Gina* hole opened and when it got as big as the moon the baby dropped onto the floor and it was born.”

Twin Boy: “maybe it should have grabbed that fuzzy stuff that mum has on her Gina then it wouldn’t hurt its head when it fell out.”

Twin Girl: “mum, what is that spikey stuff on your Gina? Did you put glue there by mistake and my hair got stuck when I fell out of the magic moon hole and you can’t get it off?”

Twin Boy: “no its doesn’t come off because you see it when we go swimming at the sides of her costume.”

Twin Girl: “shall we plait it?”

I remained silent through this whole discussion; however once plaiting was announced my legs remained firmly crossed.

I am never trying to explain to my children how babies are made.

I am booking in for a wax.

(* Gina is our name for your moo moo, flower, vagina, whatever you choose to call it!)

71 thoughts on “Plaiting one’s pubes….”

  1. *Sigh*
    That’s just me getting my breath back. I’m sorry for your embarrassment but that has to be one of the funniest things I’ve read in a while. I love your children’s imagination, ‘as big as the moon’ feels like a pretty accurate description of that particular area at the time.
    I can definitely relate with your ‘problem area’ lol

  7. OMG! Love this post. Kids are hilarious and embarrassing in the same breath. Hope you weren’t discussing your pubes on the bus! That would have been even worse. I think there are pit-falls whatever you come up with. Love your explanation though, banking that for the future.

  8. I am sorry, but I just had to laugh! Your children are so sweet and charming. I haven’t had too many awkward questions just yet. My girls know that when their baby sister was born, I had a tummyache, went to the hospital and their sister came out of my ’tilly’ into the birth pool. I don’t think they really have a clue how she got into my tummy in the first place. I’ll answer that question when they ask it.

    I have explained to them about c-sections also, because I didn’t want them to be worried if I did come home with a wound, so I told them that sometimes if there is a problem with the baby being born or they need to get it out quickly, they do an operation where they carefully cut open the tummy, remove the baby, and fix the tummy again which would leave a wound that would need time to heal up.

    I don’t think it’s essential to spill all the gory details at a young age. I’ve decided to answer as honestly (but simply) as I can when they ask about it.

      • Yup, that’s what they call it. I am so dreading when they meet a girl called Matilda. I tried to change it, but they won’t call it anything else!

        We’ve always bathed together, so they just know that adults have hair in places that children don’t. They seemed to just accept that bit thankfully, or I would have been quite mortified and shaved.

  9. Ha ha ha ha absolute genius! Laughed out loud! I’m dreading my 2 year old boy asking about babies. He is already obsessed with boobs (boys start young these days) and laughs every time he sees my ‘foo’ hair!!!

  10. Wow! I actually cried with laughter when reading this. Don’t worry I didn’t read it aloud to my husband while doing so. (that last bit might be a lie…sorry)
    😉
    Hilarious!

  13. Thank you for visiting my blog and giving me the greatest laugh for the past week. In fact the tears are still rolling down my cheeks. My daughter is passed the question stage so I sent her on a link to read for herself.

  16. Funniest thing I have read in ages. Dear god, my son is rapidly approaching the age where that type of conversation might happen. Need to plan!

  18. ROFL!

    When I was pregnant with the geekson, the geekdaddy took great pleasure in telling her that when it was time for the baby to be born I would go into hospital, the doctor would unscrew my belly button, my bottom would fall off (everyone knows that’s what happens when you unscrew your belly button, right?!), the baby would fall out, and then he’d screw my bottom back on.

    I relaid this story to a work colleague over the phone, and it was only when I finished that I realised how quiet the office had become, and that *everyone* was listening… Oooooops!

  22. Genius!!!!! One of the best things I’ve read all day. Also feel relieved I’m not the only one with ‘cress’ sprouting out of my swimming costume.

  23. Your children have a very surreal vision of childbirth don’t they! I don’t think that could have been funnier if you’d scripted it! Thanks for linking it up to my Wot So Funee? 🙂

  24. I’ve heard twins have a special way of communicating, but this takes the prize! Love your magic hole explanation. Truly funny stuff!

  26. I read this post out to the NLM while we were on a romantic dinner date on Sat night. He complained I’d killed the romantic mood, but did laugh very loudly. You never fail to make me laugh!

  27. Ace post. Your kids are bloody hilarious. I guess I must have all this to come. At the moment the verbal skills are not quite there yet with Bibsey… however, she is pretty good at non-verbal mockery. When I am in the bath, invariably she is ‘keeping mummy company’ – god I miss having a long hot bath on my own – and she hovers at the edge of the bath throwing things in (that shouldn’t go in of course, like books) and pointing and laughing at my bits. *Sighs*

    And erm, don’t let them plait your pubes. Suspect it is the thin edge of the wedge love.

  30. Oh your family make me laugh so much! I’ve just had to educate Dylan on boobs and nipples in advance of him seeing me breastfeed baby no.2. I began to regret not making up cuter less obvious words for them when he announced at the top of his voice in starbucks that that baby over there is having its milk in a cup but mummy’s baby will have milk from her nipples. Oh well, I’m sure there will be a lot worse to come if Dylan grows up to be anything like your twins! Gotta love them though x

  31. I love your kids. I’ve never even met them but they still have the ability to make me laugh. 😉

    Our now 5yo (she had a birthday last week) is obsessed, I mean really OBSESSED with where babies come from and even worse how they get there in the first place. It’s led to a lot of erm … Interesting conversations.

    Luckily, I’ve only ever had caesarians. I know. Four of them. It’s left a happy face on my tummy and she’s quite content to hear all my babies came out of there.

    But the getting in, now that’s been more problematic.

    In the end we looked at a pregnancy book (I know, I’m either brave or incredibly stupid) and she saw pictures of babies in the womb. She asked a lot of questions about the Mama and the Papa part so in the end I told her the Papa gives the Mama a seed and the seed joins together with an egg the Mama has.

    She talks quite openly about the seed and the egg.

    The other day I was watching Eastenders and two gay guys were arguing about a baby. She turned to me and told me that they can’t have a baby because it’s a seed and a seed. Quite emphatically.

  32. Pingback: Blogging, boobs, and plaiting your pubes : Britmums Live and Bubblebum - Northern Mum

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