Is your daughter handicapped?

by

Someone asked me today if my daughter was handicapped. 

They didn’t ask if I was having a nice day or even say good morning, they merely approached me in the shop and asked the question “Is she handicapped?”

Is it just me or is that a little forward?

For example I didn’t take one look at the bearer of the question and retort “is that your real hair or did you buy it on sale?”  To be fair the answer was obvious but even so on the basis that we had never spoken before I didn’t feel we had reached the personal probing level of friendship yet.

So as I stood in the shop next to the Christmas wrapping paper and opposite the Halloween Pumpkins I considered my response.  My first was to whistle twin boy over and issue the command ‘sic em’ but to be fair he was engrossed in playing with a Singing Santa and since I knew we were never adopting it into our home I wanted him to enjoy it while he could.  My next reaction was to simply declare, quite loudly, a statement of “how rude, and your hair looks like it was glued on.”

However my actual comeback was simply; “what do you mean?”

At this point my new friend with glued on hair seemed to realise that her question was not altogether welcome and awkwardly stuttered a response….

“Well, she does that odd crawl, walk, thing.”

Well that’s obvious then!

The fact that my daughter has chosen to get around the world on her backside rather than her tip toes has led to a complete stranger to asking me, a little inappropriately, about her ‘label’ in life.

It didn’t come at a great time.

BB is seventeen months old, she is not handicapped.  She is beautiful; she is a bottom shuffler who can go from zero to sixty in a matter of seconds.  She has a laugh that can make the world turn a little faster, she doesn’t really talk but when she does she is likely to only say ‘Tiger’, she likes Tigers.  Her hair is starting to fall into her eyes, when I fasten it back with a slide it makes her look older than the baby I see her as being.  When I embrace her in her cot in the morning she greets me with an open mouth kiss, she is my baby, she is my beauty, and can you see I am a little besotted with her?

If she were handicapped then that would be a part of her; my new friend with the glued on hair merely offended me with the abruptness of her question. 

She also rattled some of my nerves, some of my parental worries, some of the unsettling feelings that sometimes assail me when I least expect it.

BB is seventeen months, she doesn’t walk, she doesn’t stand, she doesn’t talk much, but says ‘Tiger’ with a beam and can sign ‘please’ with a giggle.  My fear is linked to her epilepsy, google late development and epilepsy and the results can invoke a little bit of nervousness. 

Next week she will have another EEG, she has to wear it for two days.  For two days my smallest angel will wear electrodes taped to her head, she will look different, my friend with the glued on hair will have a million questions.

The real me knows I have a healthy, intensely amazing daughter who has a condition that is almost under control.  The paranoid mother in me is starting to hear ‘is she not walking yet?’ and ‘what can she say?’ more and more each day.

Google feeds my paranoia.

I am banning myself from Google.

To answer my new friend with the glued on hair….

‘It is simply none of your business.’

103 thoughts on “Is your daughter handicapped?”

  1. Oh oh sadly I can so relate to this.

    From the moment I first ventured into the outside world I got questions. “Oh he’s tiny” – yes he was born at 27 weeks “oh is he retarded?” WTF. Even my mother said “when will you know how disabled he will be?”

    My reply was usually “what is that mole on your neck have you had it checked?” or “when was your retardation diagnosed?”

    Joseph didn’t walk til 23 months, and myself, I was a bottom shuffler too, and I was 2 and half before I walked. My mother will tell you I was speaking in full sentences at 18 months and reading at 3………….I think she’s deluded personally…

    I think BB is taking her time with milestones because she loves being your baby.

    And STEP AWAY FROM GOOGLE!!!!!

  2. How bloody rude. What business would it be of hers even if BB was handicapped? Since when did it become acceptable to ask something like that?

    I didn’t walk till 17 months, my cousin not till 19, and while well past the ‘norm’ decided on averages, we are none the worse for a few more months spent doing a bum shuffle.

    BB is perfection, and don’t be made to feel otherwise x

  3. Wow! That was a bit direct. Even I’ve never been asked that about my dd. Small children will ask me ‘what is wrong with her?’ but that is all. As for your own worries, you know that children develop at their own pace, and some need a little extra help to reach their milestones, like my boy who is super intelligent, but needed speech therapy. Would it set your mind at rest to talk to someone and see if she needs a little help with making faster progress towards full walking and talking?

    • We see a pediatrician regulary because of her epilepsy and normally I dont fret; in fact truth be told I like her shuffling, I like that she doesnt yet tell me off and I love her quietness!

      The lady with glued on hair was mature in years and probably harmless – her articulation was just quite poor and got me at a raw point with the eeg.

      xxx

  4. I can’t believe anyone would say that, what an awful person. Whoever they were is clearly socially handicapped.

    I’m sure BB will get there in her own time, try not to worry too much. How cute that she says Tiger 🙂 she sounds like a beautiful, funny and bright baby girl.

    We must meet up soon.

    Big hugs. xxxx

  5. Sigh.

    People just don’t think at all, do they?

    When Fran was a newborn, before her cleft lip was fixed, a lady marched over to me and pulled the blanket away from her (it happened to be over her mouth quite by accident) then stepped back with a screamy gasp and put her hands over her face.

    Yes, that helped, thanks. Gawd. Oh those endless small person worries. If it helps, my eldest two didn’t speak until they were nearly 4 and my gymnast didn’t walk till she was 16 months.

    (it didn’t help did it? 🙂 but yes, step away from doctor google. He is not your friend. )

    • Merry, your words always help, I have so much respect for you. I know I am being a silly old fart and I know my daughter is spot on perfect.

      But yes small person worries – always creep in when you dont expect it/

      and really – hands over face – did you knock her out?

      j x

  8. Serious ban on googling Jane. It helps nothing. BB is stunning and gorgeous and amazing. If she ever does have any kind of disability it will just be part of her and she will still be all the wonderful things she is now.

    Horrid glued on hair woman!

    Mich x

  9. I would have set you lovely hound on her, blimen cheek….. can’t believe the nerve of some people. BB is beautiful and an amazing little lady Xxx

  10. I can’t believe somebody said that to you? The wording is outdated, not to mention that your child’s development is no business of anybody else’s. I would have been extremely offended if somebody had asked that out of the blue. I just can’t understand what would go through somebody’s mind before they would ask that of somebody? For a start, why on earth would it matter them if somebody else’s child did have a disability?

    Do not worry about your daughter’s development (I’m sure you’ll still worry, but you get what I mean). All children develop at their own pace 🙂

  11. What a blooming nerve (her, not you). She is still a baby, and a bloody gorgeous baby at that. A friend’s daughter has just started walking aged 27 months so nothing to fret over.

    I hope the EEG goes ok.

    X

  12. Unbelievable. Some people have no sensitivity filter. Well done you for your reserve. I would SO have done the other things you mentioned, but my temper is legendary. Hope all goes well with the EEG x

  14. People just can’t help themselves. The girls didn’t walk till about then and I got fed up with being told they were lazy. Good call to ban google though. It sent me insane when I looked up tillys hypermobility. Xxxx

  15. It still amazes me at the rudeness of some people. I do really wonder what sort of upbringing they had for them to think that it is acceptable to speak to strangers like that. LT didn’t walk until 18 months, he crawled at 10 months and we had all sorts of questions asked about him – I started to blame myself because of the medication I was on when pregnant I googled development and opiate addiction (as that was what he was born with) and the stories were horrific – mainly based on Heroin use durring pregnancy instead of medicial opiates but still it was enough for me to contemplate the dr’s for a referral. I have now banned googling medical/development in this house. Each child developments in their own way – LT’s friend bum shuffled at great speed never crawled but at 18 months like LT she started walking as well (she hadn’t ever cruised just got up and did it) as to language BB has 2 older siblings that probably do the majority of talking for her – she doesn’t see the need to talk when others do it for her – one day she will surprise you and come out with a full sentence

  16. Definitely stay away from Google. And with regards to the walking thing – Frog and BB are in the same club. They both seem perfectly happy with their non-walking status so I think we should be too. And that woman with the glued on hair? I’d definitely have set Twin Boy on her…

  18. People are thoughtless and ignorant. I don’t know what comes into their minds to ask the sort of questions most people wouldn’t, but they do.
    I have been on the receiving end of similar inquiries and for me, I think its possibly more a shock that a person has actually asked the question, rather than the question itself. My oldest daughter had a serious heart condition and before her op struggled to get around without being breathless, so spent a lot of time in her buggy. While she was only 18 months old, she was very tall and many ‘concerned’ strangers raised the question of whether or not she was too big for a pram. My youngest daughter has strabismus (eye condition) and we have had everything from full on staring (from both adults and children) to the kind hearted gentleman who approached to ask whether or not my child was ‘well’ or was she actually blind, to the ‘woman’ I had to be held back from when I saw her laugh to her friend before crossing her eyes at my child.
    On those occasions, I told myself (after the obvious initial thought) to pity the poor, socially challenged souls, knowing that one day their ‘well-meaning’ will get them into the trouble they deserve. They don’t realise that whatever they’re highlighting is possibly one of your biggest fears, fears that you have to live with but are most of the time stored right at the very back of your mind. They go merrily along with their lives leaving you feeling just that bit more vulnerable. Your little girl is perfect whatever. Its the glued on hair sort who need the help.
    If its any help, I didn’t walk myself until I was nearly two and just did a bum-shuffle, according to my Mum. There was apparently no reason for this other than I was happy with this way!
    (Sorry if this was a bit long!)

    • Dont apologies that is some good stuff in there!

      People giggle at BB when she shuffles past – I like to think it is because she looks so cute!

      I like the advice – thanks for the comment

  19. Do you think the older generation believe it is their divine right to say what they think? Certainly my mother likes to give the benefit of her (extremely misguided) experience. Or do all old people just get rude??
    I was told I was suffocating my baby once by a complete stranger (I wasn’t)
    I do think we have a better attitude now than they did as parents, so maybe it iis part of that. But in any case – she sounds about as normal as any other normal kid, and they all do different stuff. I met a 2 year-old once who went everywhere on her bottom and all she could say was ‘Hiya!’ but unfortunately all that gorgeousness moved on when she started walking and talking like everyone else 🙂

    • Ha!

      I must say I love the fact that she is quieter than most and her shuffle is sooooooo cute.

      She does have the hairest bottom ever though as she picks up our dog hairs on her bum as she shuffles by….

      j x

  20. Not read the other comments, but this quite riled me up this morning. How dare other people make judgements like this. It is something I find so rude and utterly contemptible. They have zero clue about anything they’re about to make a comment on, but feel justified in doing so, just because they have an opinion? Well V sign to them.

    In a different light, I cannot begin to appreciate how having a baby with epilepsy must be. I’m glad it’s getting under control, and you and yours are blessed that you have such a positive attitude to it all. I’m in constant awe. Hope next week goes well, and no doubt you’ll be sharing what happens, which I look forward to reading about.

  21. your daughter is Beautiful (don’t let meany old biddies make you feel bad)
    my niece who is a happy 9 yr old now, was a little later than other children with all her milestones she was a bum shuffler, and didnt walk till she was 2 and a half but a is lovely charming, beautiful , kind wonderful, funny life loving little gitl and perfectly happy and ok……..ps i’ve stopped crying now…. your posts have me weeping into my toast on a regular basis, ………

  23. Why walk when you can bum shuffle quicker? Make perfect sense to me! In fact after hearing your Madblogs speech perhaps that what you’ve been doing which is where the hole in the knickers came from 😉

    I agree too google is full of unhelpful advice trust what your gut says and you can’t go far wrong xxx

  24. Omg! Were you tempted to rip her glued hair off?

    My friend came down the othe day, after about 3 months and the first thing he said about my little boy is “has he not been well?” (because he’s no longer podgy. It was like wtf? What’s?!

    My cousin used to bum shuffle and it’s the cutesy thing ever!! I hope the EEG goes well. BB sounds perfect to me

    (and why does your friend have glued on hair?)

  25. That’s horrendous – and totally inappropriate – people who ask potty questions like that need to take a good look at themselves..not least to sort out their glued on hair issues….

    The question was none of her business, and it sounds like you dealt with it really, really well; with the restraint she didn’t show by asking it! As for the development of BB. I am sure she will get there in their own time; she wants to hang on to being a baby for as long as she can. I hope the EEG over the next few days goes OK too.

  26. How f*cking rude indeed. Send her here and Sam can headbutt her. It’s his new thing, I feel it would be appropriate.
    More to the point, BB has it sussed. Walking is highly overrated!
    Love to you xxx

  27. Step away from google – through my pregnancy with Littler I had to actively stop myself looking because at no point will you ever find a google search that says it is going to be ok, even if you google the symptoms of a common cold you’ll be told you are but moments away from death…

    Listen to your heart – and consider carrying a large wet fish to slap people like that rude person with

  29. how blinking rude!! after spending 3 delightful days in the company of BB recently i can assure the dodgy haired old bat that she is simply perfect, she gets to where ever she wants with unbelievable speed (like up a mountain track!). She communicates perfectly to the 4 and 5 year olds that like to pick her up, when she doesn’t want to be carried and she is a pleasure in every way. Also between twin girl and twin boy, BB knows they communicate enough for her> chin up honey and good luck with the tests xx

  30. Woe how cheeky is miss glue head. Advice Stay away from google, your right it is evil. Your little girl sounds just amazing:) I hope all goes well over them two days but I’m sure it will pass in a breez.x

  31. I am gobsmacked! How dare she ask you that? Apart from the fact that it is incredibly rude, it is very un PC to ask that! Your daughter sounds wonderful and your very honest post moved me very much! Children develop in their own good time. You enjoy your beautiful girl and keep away fro google!

  32. People can be extremely insensitive. This person is no exception.

    However, these types of people need awareness; they need educating. They need to be taught that we are all different and even if our child does have a disability, is handicapped or is just a late developer, it is quite alright to be different. A number of years ago I told an elderly woman who made a very rude remark about the fact Amy still wore swim nappies at aged 5, that it is all part of her autistic traits. When the woman stared at me before saying “her what traits?” I decided to make her aware of disabilities that sometimes known as “hidden”. I told her about the wonderful work the NAS do, about the courses and workshops I had attended in order to educate myself, the incredible support I was receiving from school and outside services. At the end of that conversation I was glad she had made that remark about Amy’s nappy because I was able to make one more person aware that it’s okay to be different; it’s perfectly okay.

    CJ xx

    • Cj,

      Thanks for your lovely comment. I was so taken aback I didn’t have time to really formulate a reply of any maturity. To be fair I don’t think she meant any harm, she was just ill placed in her language.

      J x

  33. I despise peoples need to constantly outwardly cast judgements on others. Even if you’d said ‘yes, she is’ (ignoring the outdated/potentially offensive expression used) what would this woman have said then?! So what if she is, or isnt, you wouldn’t walk around spouting about how you would describe her child or what you thought of her child. I don’t understand the closed mindedness of those who still feel it’s acceptable to stigmatise people who are different. Yes they may be different, but why is this implied to be a negative? Why does she feel it is necessary to label other peoples children, in this case incorrectly it seems. It makes me so angry! I think you coped very well as i feel I would have reacted very angrily in your shoes.

  35. I get ‘ inappropriate’ comments all the time. I also have twins and one has Down Syndrome. I have had ‘oh dear, that was unfortunate’ and ‘how did that happen then?’ and the best one ‘I assume if you had known when you were pregnant, you would have chosen to only have 1 baby!!!’ – I chose to turn around and walk away to the last comment, unable to even think of an answer to such an unbelievably insenstive and uncaring question.

    Gladly, most of the comments I get are lovely ….. my boys are gorgeous and I know I am truely blessed to be their Mummy. Every child is unique and each will development in their own way.

    I am glad you are strong enough not to let these type of ignorant comments get to you.

    We MUST meet up soon for that glass of wine / marathon chat – will have to get Mrs McCarthy on the case!

    Sam

  37. Can totally relate, as the parent of a little fella with autism & other bits n bobs I sure have been asked some pure, down outright of order questions! I have also been asked to leave a family pub by another mother who thought parents like me should remove their children’s from public as they upset others; true strory.

    Folks questions, stares, comments & opinions stagger me at times. I think if that’s the attitude of the parents what are their kids thinking, I can only hope they learn from their parents ignorance.

    I enjoyed reading your post & totally got it. Nice work. Good luck x

  38. I think the comments above sum it all up.

    My best friend’s daughter is 17 weeks younger than mine. She didn’t walk until she was 23 months old (a brilliant bum-shuffler though). She’s 5 now & is incredibly intelligent (scarily so!). As you know – every child is different in their development and they all have something special that they bring to the world

    So keep up the rude comments to rude people.

  39. Ouch you should have told her to get rid of her mustache and then stomp off. I went through this with both my twins and don’t worry about the walking thing, Twin 2 was 22 months yep 2 months before his 2nd birthday and not much of a talker or look you in the eye (frantic autism thoughts went through my head) and now at 2 1/2 years old I can’t shut him up or stop him running about. It really amazes me how unfeeling total strangers with their unwanted opinions and questions. Try and ignore or take to wearing a badge saying ‘don’t ask me stupid questions’ xxx

  40. While I haven’t read through the 77 comments preceding this one, I’m certain a number–if not all!–of them express the same indignation I’m about to.

    Since I started blogging, I’ve seen as patterns a lot of stuff that looked like standalone rudeness. The one that’s been lobbed at me: “Is that your baby?” (My son’s skin tone may be darker than mine, but the similarity is distinctly there!) “Where’s he from?” and “what’s he got?” are ones I’ve read about, far too often now to think it’s just errant behavior.

    Sometimes I find myself starting a conversation with something abrupt. I pause, realize I’m interacting with a human being, and start the conversation as that: a conversation. Not prying information from a stranger/acquaintance without having once considered how the words I’m about to say sound aloud, as an intro or otherwise.

    I hate the implication left in the wake of such questions that we can simply be boiled down to one piece of ourselves, instead of taken as our magnificent wholes.

    What stranger ought have a right to do that?

  41. FFS! I really can’t believe some people. Why would you even ask that anyway?

    Maybe when she’s gluing her hair on tomorrow some of it will fall on her mouth so she never offends anyone else ever again.

  42. Sounds like Ms Glued on Hair has Foot in Mouth disease! Never ceases to amaze me how complete strangers feel they have the right to question anything and everything!

  43. Oh blimey how rude! When you have children people seem to think it’s pretty much fine to say anything sometimes. You did very well not to mention her hair. Lots of luck with your little ones EEG. Over here from Michelle Twin Mum’s. 😀
    *waves hello*

  44. I am really taken aback. How can someone be so ignorant and rude. Your daughter sounds beautiful and wonderful and getting there in her own time. Some babies don’t start walking until they are two and some don’t start talking until they are three. Feck ’em. Feck em all !!!!!!

  45. I hope to God you said that …. “It’s none of your business”
    How insensitive, how rude, how on Earth could she justify the pigeon hole response she was expecting….

    My step-son has cerebral palsy. He looks at first glance to be as able as the next child (especially when he was younger – and he looks younger than he is). His greatest give away is the wheel chair he sits in – a big give away!

    He is articulate, intelligent, solves problems & goes to main stream school. But, naturally with a physical disability he needs help with manoeuvring, is a but messy eating & can’t go to the toilet without an assistant.

    He is a very happy ‘football obsessed’ (he holds a season ticket & plays in a wheelchair) boy – but the response or approach, on occasion, from those who do not know him is patronising, sometimes humiliating & does not warrant a polite response. But it generally is!

    It angers me that I should have to justify his appearance to a busy body & I felt myself tense in your post, anticipating where the conversation was going.

    My only vice is that due to ‘inclusion’ (I even hate that word) he does have the same opportunities as children of his age and that the children he grows up with don’t ever question his abilities – they are simply aware of them – he is, in essence, just another friend!

    Thanks for your post – your gorgeous daughter is born into a world of better understanding by her peers. We all have questions regarding our abilities. ‘Acceptance’ is the greatest and most virtuous ability we could hope for.

    • Hi lovely,

      Thanks for such a lovely comment. And I agree with everything you say. I think people do need educating and this lady was merely ignorant in her approach but she meant no harm.

      But yes the more we can get people to not see difference and maybe to think before speaking I am sure the world will be a nicer place.

      Jane x

  46. I have read this and re-read it Jane and just do not know what to say. I can add nothing to the wonderful comments that have been left, but to say that BB is where she is supposed to be and is who she is supposed to be. Your beautiful baby girl

  48. Hey Jane,

    Your post really gnaws on a raw nerve of mine because over the years ignorant people have driven me mad with their insensitive to downright rude and offensive behaviour towards my children.

    Our youngest has a strange birthmark on her arm. When she was very little strangers often practically accused us of abusing her (here it can hit 40 degrees in the summer, so she naturally wears short sleeves). I constantly found myself having to give an explanation to a compete stranger. Bad enough, but what should my daughter feel about this mark? I always told her it’s a beauty stamp. But other peoples insensitivity has the power to make her feel ugly no matter what I do.

    Then there’s my son. His ADHD probable Tourettes +++ means he has tics, grimaces, yells, “I love you!” 50 times in a row. The list goes on and on… We are constantly told how to bring him up. Often stared at. At times insulted.

    It’s hard enough keeping up our strength to help a child with problems and even harder to face the roller coaster of emotions we have to deal with on a daily basis. We really don’t need some busybody sticking their nose in.

    Despite how often it occurs, I still never expect it, and afterwards I often wish I’d said this or that.

    I hope all goes well with the EEG. I didn’t walk until almost 2 and my youngest was 16 months. (Us latecomers are always the best guests at the party).

    Hugs xx

  49. She is beautiful and amazing and who gives a flying wotsit what some nosey stupid old biddy thinks.
    I would have punched her (in my head I did!!!)

  51. I’m sixty four and apologise for the rudeness of that ‘older’ woman. it was an appalling thing to say. I was married to an older man and when our daughter was born 33 years ago, we were asked if we had adopted her! Her dad was born in 1920 and weighed 2lbs at birth. There was no google to search for help. A drawer was lined with a rug to make a small bed for him. He developed slowly to begin with, but then took off on a normal path that lasted for 78 years. Your little bundle of love will find her own way through this life, on her bottom or on her toes, bringing happiness and blessings to all she meets.

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