The Guilt of Lockdown

It has been a beautiful week, the sun has streamed into my back garden, gin has flowed, and the BBQ has burnt nightly (literally if you know my cooking).

I read on Monday, from analysis of other countries that this is commonly the hardest week – so whether that set my psyche for the week, I don’t know.

But it has been a hard one.

Because so many levels of guilt can hit you in lockdown.

We have already established that I am not home schooling.  I work two jobs and am always looking for new clients.  However as other kid shy away from academia, mine greets me cheerfully every morning with a cup of tea, a notepad and asks

Miss, what are we doing today?

And she will not be satisfied with IT on an Ipad.

So between Zoom calls, and marketing emails, we do creative writing, some form of number lines (no idea) and reading.  Then every now and then I snap at her when I am trying to focus, and the guilt burns through me like acid – because she just wants my time.

The guilt that I get fed up of being stuck home with the world’s most untidiest flatmates, who pass an hormonal baton between them hourly.

The guilt that I have not painted a fence, cleaned a car or made a months worth of dinners.

When the dog missed a walk on Tuesday I went to bed almost distraught with the fact that how I had been given this gift of more time with my family, and was struggling to hit the basics.

Then the guilt that I am lucky enough to be working when others are not, but I resent not being able to play at being Mary Poppins in the home.

Guilt that I don’t work in a job that “helps” at the moment is immense.

It is a hard world to be in at the moment, mainly terrifying because we don’t know how this story ends.

And we should be counting our blessings that we are well and healthy – and then guilt seeps in if we groan about our situation.

Gin helps, as do the long ass walks in the woods.

Training helps too, although motivation is often hard to find.

This ramble has no point, but if you are being battered with the guilt for living your life.

You are simply not alone.

Bring on Week 6….