Let me clarify;
I am not one of those girls…
I do not wake in the morning to bluebirds peeling back my sheets. I do not run fingers through the tangled mess on my hand and then watch it fall perfectly onto my shoulders. I do not apply a dash of gloss and blush and look ready for the day and I don’t bite my lip and set men off orgasming around me.
I am normal.
I look like crap when I wake, the first thing I see is mascara on the pillow. If my hair isn’t viciously straightened within an inch of its life I look like a white woman with an afro. I gain weight by looking at food and have to run marathons to shift it. Making men orgasm is hard work and quite frankly tiresome in day to day life. I bite my lip when stressed and leave a bruise which is in no way alluring.
But sometimes I like to make an effort.
Take recently, I went to a corporate event with clients. Not only was the affair a little well to do but it was also a full day out; with free flowing champagne…
So I washed and dried, tweezed and shaved, cleansed, toned and moisturised. By the time I left the bathroom I was shining like a freshly scrubbed golden coin.
The day was marvellous, the sun shone, the champagne was heavenly and I tasted quail egg for the first time. I made grown up conversation and in general had a ball.
Then halfway through my chocolate delight pudding I was faced with a horrifying moment.
My client, with whom I had just been debating the great recession, leaned over and gently used her finger and thumb to grasp a hair on my chest.
“Oh you have a hair, it’s not yours its dark.” She said preparing to pull.
“Oh shit” I declared in my head.
As I said I am not that type of girl; if there is a hair on my chest of any colour there is always a strong chance that it could be mine and it is probably attached. I start tweezing my eyebrows from my chin and it wouldn’t surprise me if the bastards had started growing lower.
I watched in abject horror as she started to pull. I held my breath waiting for the moment when I would feel the tug on my chest.
“Gosh it’s long” she commented with a touch of excitement in her tone.
That caught the attention of the whole table who then all turned their gaze on me and my Rapunzel style chest hair.
She kept pulling…
I refused to exhale.
Then…
POP!
The hair left my chest zone.
I sighed with relief…
It was one of Twin Girls….
Phew!!
I know, nail biting stuff
What a relief!
Tell me about it!
Haaaa I found myself actually holding my breath then.
Me too!!
Good to hear!
I try I try!
Tears rolling down my freaking eyes – soooo funnny and soooo close to home. Thank goodness you are out there!
Glad to make you smile!
This is so funny but really? Is it normal for someone to lean over to pluck a hair from your chest area (other than a significant other, but even then??)?
This was a lovely lovely lady – very well meaning x
Blimey
Exactly
I was holding my breath too – but yeh it is a bit strange for someone to think it’s okay to remove hair from a persons chest?????? Another great chuckle over my breakfast : )
chuckly over breakfast?
hm, maybe I should rephrase that chuckle over my breakfast – doesn’t sound very nice! You made me smile this cold, wet, windy monday morning!
That’s better!!! x
How far one has to go to accommodate a client eh? Thanks for a mirthsome morning 😀
she was a lovely well meaning client!
Blimey you had me going for a moment there!
I like to make you hold your breath!
I know I wouldn’t do that to someone. Makes me wonder about the client !!
I do it all the time – maybe it is a northern thing? Client was fantastic we had a great day together, even if it had been atatched I reckon she would have handled it well – I may have died a little!
Pure relief at how that turned out!!
Hell yes
This is one of my favourite ever blog posts!
Glad you like x
You have a lovely way with words, I laughed out loud feeling your embarrassment all the way through that! I am certain no one bar you would have imagined it belonged to any other than twin girl!
I was terrified…
As an extremely non-hairy person I found that entire thing a little alarming. I once found a long blond hair on my arm, went to pull it and realised it was attached. It has never reappeared again, thank god!
As a hairy lady you don’t know how lucky you are xxx
Oh dear God, I hope I ever meet that lady!
Glad to hear!
Ta
The cheek. To just reach over and tug!
I love it when you go comment crazy over here!