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Northern Mum

Crossfitting, pancreas acting, single mum to three

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Chest hair for ladies….. How do you pluck yours?

Let me clarify;

I am not one of those girls…

I do not wake in the morning to bluebirds peeling back my sheets.  I do not run fingers through the tangled mess on my hand and then watch it fall perfectly onto my shoulders.  I do not apply a dash of gloss and blush and look ready for the day and I don’t bite my lip and set men off orgasming around me.

I am normal.

I look like crap when I wake, the first thing I see is mascara on the pillow. If my hair isn’t viciously straightened within an inch of its life I look like a white woman with an afro.  I gain weight by looking at food and have to run marathons to shift it.  Making men orgasm is hard work and quite frankly tiresome in day to day life.  I bite my lip when stressed and leave a bruise which is in no way alluring.

But sometimes I like to make an effort.

Take recently, I went to a corporate event with clients.  Not only was the affair a little well to do but it was also a full day out; with free flowing champagne…

So I washed and dried, tweezed and shaved, cleansed, toned and moisturised.  By the time I left the bathroom I was shining like a freshly scrubbed golden coin.

The day was marvellous, the sun shone, the champagne was heavenly and I tasted quail egg for the first time.  I made grown up conversation and in general had a ball.

Then halfway through my chocolate delight pudding I was faced with a horrifying moment.

My client, with whom I had just been debating the great recession, leaned over and gently used her finger and thumb to grasp a hair on my chest.

“Oh you have a hair, it’s not yours its dark.” She said preparing to pull.

“Oh shit” I declared in my head.

As I said I am not that type of girl; if there is a hair on my chest of any colour there is always a strong chance that it could be mine and it is probably attached.  I start tweezing my eyebrows from my chin and it wouldn’t surprise me if the bastards had started growing lower.

I watched in abject horror as she started to pull.  I held my breath waiting for the moment when I would feel the tug on my chest.

“Gosh it’s long” she commented with a touch of excitement in her tone.

That caught the attention of the whole table who then all turned their gaze on me and my Rapunzel style chest hair.

She kept pulling…

I refused to exhale.

Then…

POP!

The hair left my chest zone.

I sighed with relief…

It was one of Twin Girls….

Comments

  1. Emma @mummymummymum says

    July 1, 2012 at 8:41 pm

    Phew!!

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      July 2, 2012 at 9:10 pm

      I know, nail biting stuff

      Reply
  2. Becky (lakes single mum) says

    July 1, 2012 at 8:48 pm

    What a relief!

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      July 2, 2012 at 9:09 pm

      Tell me about it!

      Reply
  3. Raremum says

    July 1, 2012 at 8:49 pm

    Haaaa I found myself actually holding my breath then.

    Reply
    • rachel says

      July 2, 2012 at 5:20 pm

      Me too!!

      Reply
      • northernmum says

        July 2, 2012 at 9:06 pm

        Good to hear!

        Reply
    • northernmum says

      July 2, 2012 at 9:09 pm

      I try I try!

      Reply
  4. Lisa @ motherhoodormadness says

    July 1, 2012 at 8:56 pm

    Tears rolling down my freaking eyes – soooo funnny and soooo close to home. Thank goodness you are out there!

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      July 2, 2012 at 9:08 pm

      Glad to make you smile!

      Reply
  5. fivegoblogging says

    July 1, 2012 at 10:04 pm

    This is so funny but really? Is it normal for someone to lean over to pluck a hair from your chest area (other than a significant other, but even then??)?

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      July 2, 2012 at 9:08 pm

      This was a lovely lovely lady – very well meaning x

      Reply
  6. Molly says

    July 2, 2012 at 5:16 am

    Blimey

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      July 2, 2012 at 9:08 pm

      Exactly

      Reply
  7. Sian says

    July 2, 2012 at 7:30 am

    I was holding my breath too – but yeh it is a bit strange for someone to think it’s okay to remove hair from a persons chest?????? Another great chuckle over my breakfast : )

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      July 2, 2012 at 9:08 pm

      chuckly over breakfast?

      Reply
  8. Sian says

    July 2, 2012 at 7:32 am

    hm, maybe I should rephrase that chuckle over my breakfast – doesn’t sound very nice! You made me smile this cold, wet, windy monday morning!

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      July 2, 2012 at 9:07 pm

      That’s better!!! x

      Reply
  9. Bod for tea says

    July 2, 2012 at 7:45 am

    How far one has to go to accommodate a client eh? Thanks for a mirthsome morning 😀

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      July 2, 2012 at 9:07 pm

      she was a lovely well meaning client!

      Reply
  10. Actually Mummy... says

    July 2, 2012 at 8:55 am

    Blimey you had me going for a moment there!

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      July 2, 2012 at 9:06 pm

      I like to make you hold your breath!

      Reply
  11. Scottish Mum says

    July 2, 2012 at 9:27 pm

    I know I wouldn’t do that to someone. Makes me wonder about the client !!

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      July 2, 2012 at 9:32 pm

      I do it all the time – maybe it is a northern thing? Client was fantastic we had a great day together, even if it had been atatched I reckon she would have handled it well – I may have died a little!

      Reply
  12. Circus Queen says

    July 3, 2012 at 8:12 am

    Pure relief at how that turned out!!

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      July 3, 2012 at 8:52 pm

      Hell yes

      Reply
  13. Middle-Aged Matron says

    July 3, 2012 at 8:47 am

    This is one of my favourite ever blog posts!

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      July 3, 2012 at 8:51 pm

      Glad you like x

      Reply
  14. Coombemill - Fiona says

    July 3, 2012 at 10:06 am

    You have a lovely way with words, I laughed out loud feeling your embarrassment all the way through that! I am certain no one bar you would have imagined it belonged to any other than twin girl!

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      July 3, 2012 at 8:50 pm

      I was terrified…

      Reply
  15. Expat Mum says

    July 3, 2012 at 8:36 pm

    As an extremely non-hairy person I found that entire thing a little alarming. I once found a long blond hair on my arm, went to pull it and realised it was attached. It has never reappeared again, thank god!

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      July 3, 2012 at 8:48 pm

      As a hairy lady you don’t know how lucky you are xxx

      Reply
  16. Rebecca says

    July 4, 2012 at 7:18 pm

    Oh dear God, I hope I ever meet that lady!

    Reply
  17. Jelly Babies says

    July 6, 2012 at 11:09 am

    Glad to hear!

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      July 6, 2012 at 12:20 pm

      Ta

      Reply
  18. sarsm says

    August 14, 2012 at 8:12 am

    The cheek. To just reach over and tug!

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      August 14, 2012 at 8:32 pm

      I love it when you go comment crazy over here!

      Reply

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Jane is a working Mum of three and has great hair. One of these things may not be true.

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