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Northern Mum

Crossfitting, pancreas acting, single mum to three

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Miscarriage: A Crack in My Heart….

The day I missed a miscarriage… 

It was 2009, it was a Friday, the weather was unremarkable, neither hot nor cold with no wind to blow the petals off the roses in the garden.

I was almost thirteen weeks pregnant with my third baby, I had turned a corner and left the exhaustion, the nausea and the love affair with my toilet bowl behind in the first trimester. I was upbeat, healthy and excited.

I lowered my clearly pregnant frame into the car clutching a wad of maternity notes hoping that upon arrival at the hospital they wouldn’t mistake my bulk for a woman about to go into labour.  I regretted the bag of Malteasers (family size) that I had scoffed the night before.

He who helped create them and I arrived in the waiting room, it was 8.55am, we had the privilege of being the first happy couple to be given an ultrasound that day.  We waited for the nurse to call out name and I leafed idly through a Hello magazine from 2008 whilst chatting with the speed of an over enthusiastic teenager;

‘shall we get one photo or two’

‘can we tell the twins tonight?’

‘we cant tell the sex yet?’

I babbled on and on as he who helped create them assumed a neutral expression and nodded in all the right places.

We were called into the room, I almost skipped with the delight of knowing I would soon have a glimpse of my little bean who had been tiring me out for the last three months.

I lay on the bed, cold jelly sticking to my tummy, the nurse smiled at me as she placed the camera on my tummy, I raised my head and turned to the screen.

I saw a small dark image, calmly lying still in my womb, a silent shadow just resting and waiting for a chance to say goodbye. 

I felt a tear softly ease down my cheek and a squeeze of my hand; I heard a plea rise in my throat and then fall away as words would have been useless.

I heard a soft sorry from the lady with the camera and I felt my heart crack.

I looked again at the image of what was not meant to be and whispered hello and cried a farewell.

I turned to a fabulous father and fell in his arms.

Heaven claimed another angel that day.

Comments

  1. sarsm says

    June 16, 2011 at 11:52 pm

    xxx

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      June 17, 2011 at 7:13 am

      X back at ya lovely

      Reply
  2. eviegracesmummy says

    June 17, 2011 at 5:09 am

    Once again a beautiful post Jane. So sorry for your awful loss. Thank you for writing so sensitively about an experience that so many of us suffer. Wish I could give you a huge cwtch. xxxxxx

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      June 17, 2011 at 7:13 am

      I thought a lot about you writing this post. Some things can be painful when they occur but then we only have to glimpse at what we have now and see that the world isn’t such a bad place after all.

      However is a cwtch some kind of welsh thing?

      J x

      Reply
      • eviegracesmummy says

        June 19, 2011 at 5:58 pm

        It is indeed a welsh thing a cwtch is a cuddle!! So glad of all the feedback you have recieved with this post xxxxx

        Reply
        • janeblackmore says

          June 19, 2011 at 7:00 pm

          Ha. I thought it was a typo x

          Reply
  3. Sarah B says

    June 17, 2011 at 5:46 am

    A very moving post, brought a lump to my throat as I remembered my experience with my first pregnancy at my 20 week scan. Sleeping angels xx

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      June 17, 2011 at 7:11 am

      Thanks sarah x

      Reply
  4. the_moiderer says

    June 17, 2011 at 6:11 am

    Oh my. Beautifully written.

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      June 17, 2011 at 7:10 am

      X

      Reply
  5. Mummylimited says

    June 17, 2011 at 6:13 am

    So touching. I know the feeling of seeing that baby on the screen and yet knowing all is lost. It’s heartbreaking and you have expressed it perfectly.

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      June 17, 2011 at 7:10 am

      Thank you, and really sorry we share the same memory x x x

      Reply
  6. All for Aleyna says

    June 17, 2011 at 6:17 am

    Oh Jane,how awful for you. Well done you for writing about it. It is so so sad, and my heart goes out to you. Love you loads xxxxx

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      June 17, 2011 at 7:09 am

      To be honest writing about it seemed the right thing to do to finally accept peace with the memory.

      Thanks for your lovely comment x

      Reply
  7. Richmond Mummy says

    June 17, 2011 at 7:06 am

    Heartbreaking but beautifully written. Bless your little angel xxx

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      June 17, 2011 at 9:37 am

      thanks x x x x x

      Reply
  8. Mcai7td3 says

    June 17, 2011 at 7:06 am

    Oh Hun so sorry for your loss.xxx

    Reply
  9. toddlingintomadness says

    June 17, 2011 at 7:11 am

    So sorry that you had to go through this – it’s so common (myself included) and yet no one talks about it ever. Thank you for sharing

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      June 17, 2011 at 9:36 am

      welcome , thanks for reading x

      Reply
  10. PoorParenting says

    June 17, 2011 at 7:21 am

    Xxx

    I am ashamed to admit that it’s only now, as a mother, that I can understand the enormity of what my mum went through when she had a still birth when I was 6.

    What made you think of this today specifically?

    Kisses to your angel Xxx

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      June 17, 2011 at 8:12 am

      I have wanted to write a post for this memory since northernmum began and it has been written in my head a dozen times.

      I don’t need the words to serve as a reminder because the image is etched on my soul, but I did want to say goodbye to a nameless soul that has defined a lot of the person I am today. So many of us lose a pregnancy or suffer the loss of a baby, miscarriage stats are about 1 in 3. That almost normalises it; I wanted to show that although it happens with alarming regularity that doesn’t erase the penetrating feelings of sorrow and loss.
      However I am not ruled by sadness had I not experienced that day I wouldn’t have BB so good can clearly grow from a teardrop.
      Why today?
      I don’t know I think I just felt ready to talk.

      X

      Reply
      • HonieMummy (honieBuk) says

        June 17, 2011 at 4:26 pm

        Only you could have known when the time was right. I remember being told the statistics and pretending it made things easier. H’Boo was 4 of 5 pregnancies and my 1st born child – words can’t explain the relief of finally holding her. Then 8 years later after the end of an awful era and new beginnings K’boo came into our life. 2 out of 6 ain’t bad. Thanks for sharing the lows but also the highs of BB. A very well written post and beautifully put. Hope it helps you put any negativity to rest :o)

        Reply
        • janeblackmore says

          June 17, 2011 at 5:17 pm

          Goodness; my heart breaks for you. Cuddle those two tightly x

          Reply
      • Pooky @poorparenting says

        June 18, 2011 at 11:17 pm

        I had no idea so many people had to go through this. We’re the first in our friends and family to have babies so fortunately I’ve not had the experience of supporting someone through this.

        I don’t know if I could manage it. I don’t think I’d be strong enough.

        I told everyone as soon as I knew I was pregnant, throwing out the 12 week rule as I was sure my past Ill health would mean I’d miscarry and I’d need all the love and support I could get.

        How do people who don’t tell anyone manage. Your life just changed so completely, forever, but noone knows …

        I think it’s wonderful you wrote this, both because it’s a window for some of us to glimpse through and certainly it helps me understand the depth of loss so I’ll be better placed to support a friend should the time arise and also because the fact you felt ready must say a huge amount about your emotional recovery.

        Your positive outlook is an inspiration as always. Xx

        Reply
        • janeblackmore says

          June 19, 2011 at 7:18 am

          Thanks Pooky x

          Reply
  11. Blue Sky says

    June 17, 2011 at 7:29 am

    So sad and so beautifully written xx

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      June 17, 2011 at 8:13 am

      Thank you x

      Reply
  12. Kate Takes 5 says

    June 17, 2011 at 7:32 am

    You just made me cry.

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      June 17, 2011 at 8:13 am

      Sorry 🙂

      Reply
  13. fastandluce says

    June 17, 2011 at 7:37 am

    Oh Jane, what a beautifully written blog. It is the first blog I have read that has moved me so deeply. You are amazing. My heart has cracked for you. God bless the angels that look down on us. X

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      June 17, 2011 at 8:14 am

      Thanks lucy 😉

      Reply
  14. kirsty says

    June 17, 2011 at 7:52 am

    What can you say?
    xx

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      June 17, 2011 at 8:15 am

      X x

      Reply
  15. Mañana Mama says

    June 17, 2011 at 7:54 am

    My heart goes out to you. What a moving post. I am so very sorry.

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      June 17, 2011 at 8:16 am

      That’s ok; I have 3 beautiful (and loud) kids, I am content x

      Reply
  16. Jordan says

    June 17, 2011 at 8:08 am

    I am so sorry that, like me, you have been through this terrible experience.
    A very beautifully written post though. Made me cry.
    Hugs to you xx

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      June 17, 2011 at 8:58 am

      Thanks lovely x x x

      Reply
  17. mothersalwaysright says

    June 17, 2011 at 8:16 am

    Crying. xxxx

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      June 17, 2011 at 9:33 am

      ooh sorry x x x

      Reply
  18. Isil says

    June 17, 2011 at 8:20 am

    this got me teary eyed,xoxox

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      June 17, 2011 at 9:33 am

      🙂

      Reply
  19. HerMelness Speaks says

    June 17, 2011 at 8:22 am

    My best for future happiness and an acceptance of the pain. HMSx

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      June 17, 2011 at 9:32 am

      Thanks lovely x

      Reply
  20. LJB @ crankymonkeys in london says

    June 17, 2011 at 8:29 am

    I am so sorry. This is EXACTLY my story… 13 weeks, ultrasound, …

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      June 17, 2011 at 8:59 am

      Painful isnt it, but life as they say has gone on x x x

      Reply
  21. James Mayes says

    June 17, 2011 at 8:59 am

    Moved. Unusually so. Thank you for sharing.

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      June 17, 2011 at 9:35 am

      Thanks James x

      Reply
  22. Deliciousnessy says

    June 17, 2011 at 9:37 am

    Such a beautiful post Jane. X

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      June 17, 2011 at 9:39 am

      thanks mrs! cant believe you are not coming curry night…. *sad face*

      Reply
  23. londonmum says

    June 17, 2011 at 9:53 am

    writing this with tears in my eyes. Your post is simplicity itself and yet expresses your experience in a very moving way. Very brave of you to write it and hope time is helping heal the pain of your loss x

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      June 17, 2011 at 12:27 pm

      Thanks and time is a fab healer, as it my daughter x

      Reply
  24. @LincolnAndMe says

    June 17, 2011 at 11:52 am

    Oh god so sorry hun I never knew, hugs xxxx

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      June 17, 2011 at 12:27 pm

      It was pre twitter days lovely x

      Reply
  25. anthea says

    June 17, 2011 at 12:45 pm

    Beautifully captured. A memory shared here as well.
    xxx

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      June 17, 2011 at 12:49 pm

      thanks, x

      Reply
  26. Laura Weight says

    June 17, 2011 at 1:05 pm

    im sorry lovely 🙁 beautifully written. I know how painful it is, my first set of twins were missed miscarriages though they were alot earlier. sending you love xxx

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      June 17, 2011 at 3:30 pm

      Doesn’t make it less sad x

      Reply
  27. Five Go Blogging says

    June 17, 2011 at 1:20 pm

    How beautifully written. Your angel will be smiling down x

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      June 17, 2011 at 3:33 pm

      Thankyou 🙂

      Reply
  28. CaroleHolland says

    June 17, 2011 at 2:25 pm

    *sniffles* Perfectly worded. Beautifully simple. *hugs* xxxx

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      June 17, 2011 at 3:33 pm

      Thanks carole

      Reply
  29. halfmummyhalfmuffin says

    June 17, 2011 at 3:04 pm

    You have a lovely way with words and have captured the experience that so many of us have sadly had. Thank you for bravely sharing, sorry for your pain. Being commonplace doesn’t lessen the heartache. x

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      June 17, 2011 at 3:34 pm

      I completly agree, to be told it is not unusual doesn’t not make it easier x

      Reply
  30. tinuke says

    June 17, 2011 at 6:03 pm

    I am so moved and am sitting here with tears in my eyes. I am so sorry for what you went through, particularly as I have been there myself and this brought back all the raw emotions and pain.
    The responses here alone show how many people have been through this loss, but still it cuts each one of us so deeply.

    xxxxx

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      June 17, 2011 at 6:32 pm

      So true x

      Reply
  31. Kerry says

    June 17, 2011 at 6:19 pm

    A beautifully written post, I remember sitting with my SIL and watching the scene with her and seeing the look of loss on her face. She literally feel out the room into Mr L’s arms I have never seen them that close, but that day all she wanted/needed was her big brother they stood in that hospital hallway for ages while she was broken in two! You have captured it so well and I am so sorry xx

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      June 17, 2011 at 6:32 pm

      X x x x

      Reply
  32. Super Amazing Mum says

    June 17, 2011 at 6:43 pm

    Oh Jane, I have been here as well….have also wanted to blog the same since starting. Not quite there yet though………spookily similar but was our first baby. I often think what life would be like now.

    Gone but never, ever forgotten.

    xx

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      June 17, 2011 at 7:37 pm

      So sorry sweetness x

      Reply
  33. Rosie Scribble says

    June 17, 2011 at 8:35 pm

    Totally choked up. XXXXXX

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      June 17, 2011 at 8:52 pm

      😉

      Reply
  34. Colleen (Chollabean) says

    June 17, 2011 at 9:12 pm

    lovely writing, you touched my heart x

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      June 17, 2011 at 11:08 pm

      Thanks x

      Reply
  35. lozzi84 says

    June 17, 2011 at 9:34 pm

    Beautiful post. Thank you x

    Reply
  36. Firefly Phil says

    June 18, 2011 at 5:44 am

    What my poor mother really went through I’ll never know, only that I was an ‘only child’… I might have been the youngest of four. She was all the mum I could have wished for, and then some.

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      June 18, 2011 at 8:32 am

      What a lovely thing to say x

      Reply
  37. Liveotherwise says

    June 18, 2011 at 8:36 am

    Last night I was trying to explain to dp how I feel about our three miscarriages. Don’t think I’ll write it up, I’ll just send him here. Hugs.

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      June 18, 2011 at 10:24 am

      Oh honey how awful for you x

      Reply
  38. Baby Genie says

    June 18, 2011 at 12:45 pm

    Just cried a silent tear for you am so sorry x

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      June 18, 2011 at 2:31 pm

      Thanks, I am totally overwhelmed by the support x

      Reply
  39. Sharon donnelly says

    June 18, 2011 at 12:45 pm

    So beautifully put. We had an early miscarriage, scan told us that our baby was gone. It was my 1st pregnancy so I was completely distraught. None of my friends understood and kept their distance. Luckily 3 months later I was pregnant again and Isla is here. Thanks for sharing. x

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      June 18, 2011 at 3:31 pm

      I think it is so hard for people to understand how you can lovesomething so much that

      Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      June 18, 2011 at 3:32 pm

      Whoops.. I meant to say that you have never met. Xx

      Reply
  40. Watershedd says

    June 18, 2011 at 12:46 pm

    Some things just can’t be spoken about, much less expressed. X

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      June 18, 2011 at 3:30 pm

      But writing helps….

      Reply
  41. mummymummymum says

    June 18, 2011 at 12:47 pm

    So sorry Jane….hug xx

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      June 18, 2011 at 3:29 pm

      Xx

      Reply
  42. Doug shaw says

    June 18, 2011 at 12:58 pm

    What a lovely post about such a sad, and sadly common occurrence. We have a darling daughter and three angels. I know how that makes me feel and I can’t imagine what it does to Carole. We gave up trying for more and we three are extremely happy and fortunate to have each other. I feel a twinge every time Keira says “I wish I had a sister”. Thanks for writing this post Jane.

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      June 18, 2011 at 3:29 pm

      This posts response has completly amazed me. It took two years for me to write and I knew I wasn’t alone in my misfortune but I am astonished at how many people I know that have suffered the same fate. ThAnks for commenting and lots of love to you and your family

      Reply
  43. Elsie Button says

    June 18, 2011 at 1:16 pm

    a very moving post xxxx

    Reply
  44. Katie aka mummydaddyme says

    June 18, 2011 at 7:24 pm

    What a beautifully written post while talking about such an emotional subject- you are a very talented writer. I am sitting here with tears in my eyes while feeding my daughter and giving her an extra big cuddle. X

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      June 19, 2011 at 7:45 am

      Thanks katie,

      keep cuddling

      Reply
  45. Tessa says

    June 18, 2011 at 8:29 pm

    I’m so sorry for your loss. When I feel down about things, I remember how fortunate I am that all of my babies are still with me. Hugs.

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      June 19, 2011 at 7:18 am

      Thanks Tessa and thanks for stopping by the blog

      Reply
  46. Anna says

    June 18, 2011 at 10:23 pm

    So beautiful and so moving, and I’m so deeply sorry you went through this x

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      June 19, 2011 at 7:18 am

      Thanks Anna x

      Reply
  47. Lena doherty says

    June 19, 2011 at 8:27 am

    I am so sorry about your loss, such a moving post. Sending love xx

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      June 19, 2011 at 8:35 am

      Thanks Lena x

      Reply
  48. Heidi says

    June 22, 2011 at 7:51 am

    Oh Jane. You are so amazing with words.

    Having gone through the same pain three times I have had a friend turn to me for support this week as she has just gone through it herself for the first time. Even though I’ve been there there’s nothing I can say that will lift her spirits, she just has to ride it out and in time the weight of the pain will lighten and she’ll be able to move forward.

    It is a truely afwul thing for anyone to go through and it makes me so mad that my lovely frinds, or anyone for that matter, who are so deserving of a child to love have to endure the loss of a baby.

    Big hugs Jane xxxxx

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      June 22, 2011 at 8:22 am

      Thanks lovely,

      I completly agree that it is one of lifes cruelest tricks.

      Your comment made me cry (which is a little embarrassing as I am sat in a field surrounded by parents waiting for sports day to start….) X

      Reply
  49. Marissa Bird says

    August 19, 2011 at 1:22 pm

    A Beautifully written post. Xxxx

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      August 19, 2011 at 7:55 pm

      Thanks x

      Reply
  50. speccy says

    August 27, 2011 at 2:31 pm

    Goosebumps.
    Like so many, I was devastated by a miscarriage; you’ve expressed it so beautifully.

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      August 27, 2011 at 7:53 pm

      Thank you x x x

      Reply
  51. Bibsey Mama says

    September 7, 2011 at 11:49 am

    Hi Jane, I am new to your blog and have only just stumbled on this post as I was having a nose around. What a sad thing. I am so sorry. The same happened to us at the beginning of the summer. I hope that the crack in your heart is mending. BM x

    Reply
  52. MmeLindor says

    October 11, 2011 at 3:10 pm

    Thank you for linking this post. The heartbreak of miscarriage is universal, but you have found the words to express it so very well.

    Reply
  53. Katy Hill says

    October 15, 2014 at 8:35 pm

    Amazing post. I had the same happen at 10 weeks with my first pregnancy. I’ve never willed an image to move so much. I’m now even more grateful for my two children but the ache never completely leaves x

    Reply
  54. Mo says

    October 28, 2014 at 10:16 pm

    Hello dear fellow mum; i can’t even begin to imagine how it must have been for you. The thought of what you saw makes my heart break in so many ways. So so so sorry for your loss and well done for the grace with which you shared your story with your readers. My heart goes out to you and I wish you all the very best as you journey through this road.

    Reply

Trackbacks

  1. A Crack in My Heart…. « Northern Mummy with Southern Children | Today Headlines says:
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    […] they wouldn't mistake my bulk for a woman about to go into … Read the original here:  A Crack in My Heart…. « Northern Mummy with Southern Children Share […]

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  2. A different experience of pregnancy | Thinking About Learning says:
    June 17, 2011 at 10:07 am

    […] today’s post she writes about a personal matter, which will resonate with any couple who have tried for a baby […]

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  3. Too soon to know says:
    April 6, 2012 at 8:53 am

    […] weeks had passed since I looked at a scan and saw a silent shadow.  My desire for a baby had not disappeared with my loss, I needed this child, a feeling of […]

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