Tonight was a turning point for me, I surprised and disappointed myself, I used the ultimate ridiculous threat.
Twin boy and I had a falling out. He was so naughty that I couldn’t even shout. In fact I went to the other extreme and used my super quiet growl, the one that sets the dogs hair on edge.
In fact my choices were use the growl or attempt a Homer and Bart moment. Because of the laws around choking your child in the UK I found the growl more appropriate for the occasion however I think Homer’s infamous choking hold may have offered me more satisfaction.
(Again its a crime to do it people but not to think it!)
But do you know even the super scary mum growl is completely ineffective against twin boy. He just doesn’t care about getting into trouble. As I crouched down on his level (just as Jo Jo says to) explaining why his behaviour (not him just his sodding behaviour) was bang out of order he merely grinned like an imp and swung his hips whilst trying to turn his jumper into Batman’s cape.
“Sorry mum”. I heard from somewhere inside his top, in a voice that clearly wanted to say “am only sorry I got caught and let’s speed up the telling off bit as twin girl is pretending to be The Joker downstairs and I need to zap her with my supercool invisible gun.”
“It’s not good enough.” I retorted trying to extract his head through an arm hole.
But he’d gone, in the few short seconds I had lost eye contact twin boy had forgotten what had made me so cross and instead he was off in his own fantasy land fighting baddy mummies who wouldn’t let him play.
However I have lost my childhood ability to pop off to Neverneverland at a moments notice and was still bloody furious; so I began to list my punishments, intending originally to only issue one but since my clever clogs five-year old had an answer for everything I decided to add a few more.
“No scooter for a week.” Me
“You said it would rain anyway” TB
“No watching Batman for a month.” Me
“I’m Batman I don’t need to watch me, zap zap baddy mummy.” TB
“Fine, no chocolate for a year.” Me in a slightly high pitched tone
“Don’t like chocolate anyway I’ll have sweets.” TB in a normal I don’t care what you say voice.
“Fine, I am telling your father what you did.” Me
Silence broken by wails of remorse and full begging on his knees for me to keep his naughtiness a secret!
Well I don’t get it. Firstly how have I run out of decent punishments so that I have had to play the dad card and secondly when did he who helped create them turn into something to fear?
I want to be feared!
I get laughed at and mocked and zapped by a supercool invisible gun. He who helped create them has done nothing to earn this reputation, I have put hours of practice into my different shouts and growls, and it seems I am merely a spectre of ridicule; not even fit to play a real Batman baddy. But he who helped create them he gets star billing. He is the equivalent of Voldemort to Harry, Darth to Luke, Robbie Rotten to that pink haired chick.
Note to self: must try harder
Second note to self: use the line ‘just waits till your father gets home with caution, don’t over use it, it seems to bloody well work!’