Things they don’t tell you at your antenatal class.
1. Midwives are not care bears who will automatically adore you and want to make your labour as pain free as possible. They are underpaid, overworked women who dislike being swore at on a daily basis. Be nice to them and they may get you the good drugs.
2.However though be aware when it comes to drugs, petherdine will make you look like you are on crack.
3.Demand feeding is not something you do just for the first year; it continues until the teenage years. The toddler stage of demand feeding often occurs in Tescos with chocolate treats packaged in cbeebies characters. As your child matures the constant rooting for milk changes to juice, to fizzy drinks and eventually to your bottle of Jim Beam.
3.Whilst stressing the importance of your pelvic floor, no one really spells it out that if you don’t do 800 pelvic floor exercises daily you will wee yourself when you laugh, sneeze or cough. To this day I cannot watch Gavin and Stacey without wearing a tena lady.
4. Once your baby has established a sleeping pattern and lulled you into a false sense of security; teething, bed wetting and night terrors kick in therefore guaranteeing you will never enjoy a full nights sleep again.
5. Expressing milk will make you feel and look like a cow in the milking parlour.
6. Practising latching a baby on with a plastic doll in a room full of pregnant people is absolutely nothing like the real thing.
7. After a natural labour you can resume your marital pleasures as soon as you feel ready. For most new mothers this almost always coincides with the desire for a second child. For most new dads it is a couple of weeks after the birth when their brain has managed to erase the image of something the size of a large melon popping out through their pleasure centre.
8. If you have one baby you will marvel at how women who give birth to twins cope; if you have twins you will marvel how women with triplets cope. If you have quads chances are you won’t cope.
9. After having a baby you will not be able to watch a romcom of any description without welling up.
10. Finally the beautiful wriggling baby you hold in your arms, that you spent hours of agonising labour pushing out will one day tell you he wishes he had never been born. (Odds are he won’t mean it!)