Why adults should never go to a Trampoline Park

My daughter chose to spend her 5th birthday at an indoor Trampoline Park, her older brother and sister were delighted, the three of them are all partial to a bit of bouncing.

I live by the motto that to be active is to be alive, and I like to prove that anything my children can do, well, I can do as well.

In this case….

I was wrong.

Adults should not bounce.

These are reasons as to why…

1. You will look like a nob.

There is no kinder way of describing it.  The kids will be leaping around on invisible pogo sticks, somersaulting through the air and making it look easy.  You will approach the canvas with trepidation whilst toddlers boing past you.  You will inspect the steel strings for safety, because you are an adult – and safety is important.

Before you even put toe to trampoline you will look like a nob to all the other children in the park.

2. When you eventually bounce, you will look like an ass

Yup, when you finally trust the safety mechanism of the trampoline and tenderly place your feet upon it, you will instantly turn into an ass.  Your baby bounces will look comical next to your childs foolhardy circus tricks and soon you will realise that 98% of the other bouncers are at least half your age, if not substantially more.

In an effort to try to be cool your jumping will increase from miniscule to small leaps… then….

3. Your pelvic floor will give way

Remember those children you brought to the trampoline park with you?  Well, when they lived inside you for nine months they did irreparable damage to your bladder.  Women who have birthed babies simply should not bounce without excess padding in their undercarriage.

Just trust me on this one.

4. Eventually you will gain confidence

With your nether regions padded, you may be foolish enough to step back onto the trampoline.

Big mistake.

Once the fear of piddling through your pants is removed you may be struck by a sudden sense of ‘I can do this.’

You can’t.

Locking eyes with the only one other adult in the room you will be tempted to show off.

Your tender bounces will progress to little leaps, your little leaps with turn to straight legged pencil jumps, then suddenly with a nod to your fellow grown up, nob looking new friend, you will issue a silent challenge and bounce from your feet, to your knees, and back up again.

5. You will think you look the dog’s bollocks – you don’t – revert back to points one and two.

Plus your back will start to ache.

6. The you will engage in some weird adult tramp off.

After setting the bar with a feet to knee to feet jump, you will have effectively laid down the gauntlet.  Your nob looking new friend will join in with a nifty feet jump to sitting jump to back to feet jump, all the time staring you in the eye.  They will also think they are the King of the Trampoline Park, you may want to refer them to points one and two.

7. You will copy them, you simply can’t help yourself.

And feet jump to sitting jump to back to feet jump is a complex manoeuvre for any one over the age of ten.  Clearly the ass looking adult was a former gymnast in their youth, copying them will only serve to knock your back out completly and send you running back to the ladies in need of more padding.

Whilst you both look like nobs, he will be the more successful in the tramp off.

8. You will leave embarrassed

…and hobbling, your kids won’t even bother to hide their smirks.

 

And that my friends, is why adults should not join in at Trampoline Parks.

 

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