It has been a year.
For someone who usually just gets on with things, it comes as much of a surprise to me that I still feel like I am laying in a million pieces on the floor some days. That the process of separation has simply shattered me.
I have gone through the stages.
I have danced till dawn, cried into my pillow, stood with my shoulders squared and told the world I am ok, then crept back home and worried about how the hell I do this on my own.
No one gets married with the intention of getting a divorce at the end of it. It seems that it takes some getting over. Time is a healer but she is taking her sweet ass time in finding the plasters and the Nurofen.
But I am getting there.
(I think.)
The children seem to be adapting, as parents apart I think most of the time we do a decent job, they know they are loved no matter whose home they are sleeping in that night. We still have time together as a five, they come first, always.
I am keeping busy, not having time to think seems to be a way of coping, forcing fun upon myself and refusing to soak the pillow anymore is a mechanism that is working.
I have tried new things, this has been the hardest year but one full of so many incredible experiences.
But sometimes your smile fades a little when you get home after an amazing day and no grown up is there for you to bore senseless with the details.
Truth be told, I miss being part of a half, albeit I can cope as a one.
And on the days that I do break, when the enormity of life is simply too much, when reality hits home and I allow myself to confess that it really is bloody hard; well then I have friends who pick me up, pour the wine or pass me a loaded barbell, and wrap themselves round me like a fluffy blanket that I can sink into until I feel strong enough to clamber out again and face the world.
I thought after a year it would be all better.
It is easier but still my journey seems so unclear, the road I am traveling has no destination, I am walking alone and my map reading skills are rubbish.
But I am not stopping, eventually a sign will appear to direct me on my way, and of course at times a small person will slip their hand into mine and remind me that I am the world to three people and I can never really be alone.
If you ask, ‘I’m fine’. And really I am, the irony of being someone who writes an online diary for the world to read, I am a bit rubbish at talking. But I am ok, I am just shocked at how something can still ache after a year, and how terrifying at times being a single parent can be.
But if I can breathe fire and swallow a flame?
The perhaps it is time to realise I can do anything if I put my mind to it.
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It is hard being a single Mum at times but you sound like you are doing a great job. You also sound like you have amazing friends. x
Lots of hugs. I hope that road shows some kind of direction soon for you xx
So lovely to hear that you’re coparenting effectively and can all spend time together. You look like you’re doing fab!
Beautifully written, as always. You are loved very much. xxx
Awww Jane, sending lots of love, a barbell and some wine. You are AMAZING. xxx
The last bit, that bit (Not the vote for me bit, the words above that) You always have and you will continue to. You are one of the strongest women i know. There might be times when you are down but you are never out.
You are amazing, and I wish I could say something to take that fear and uncertainty away. Karma is sending you lots of good things lady – I’m sure of it xxx
Indeed you can do anything Jane, you are oe of those capable and strong ladies but I truly understand sometimes that doesn’t help when you just want someone to hold you or to listen, I pray this next leg of your journey is a great one. Mich x
You are amazing (not just because you can breath fire) and you will come out the other side. Hope it gets easier for you soon xx
So beautifully written, Jane. And you can. Really you can. Look how far you’ve come already!
hey hey my gorgeous friend, the prosecco is always in the fridge and I just look forward to you being here. make it soon again love you xx
Big hugs, I’ve been off-line but getting back my blogging mojo but still been reading up on your blog to see how you’ve been doing. Will I see you on a Boris bike in London soon? xxxx
It sounds like you are doing so well, it is such a hard thing to face but all you can do is take it one day at a time. I have similar worries but am trying not to think about them at the moment. Sending love and support x
Becoming a single mum was the scariest thing…12weeks into being a new mum, the first few weeks alone awful! You do tell everyone your ok even if your not 100% it easier, its been 6 weeks and i feel alot stronger but i still find myself having to hold back the tears when someone new asks me how its all going. Thats the only thing i miss the company especially in the evenings when the little ones asleep. My mum was a single parent so i know its possible you just have to find inspiration around you. Take every day as it comes. More good days than bad. Life always goes on. Stay strong 🙂
Inspirational, as always : ) Outward strength is not always mirrored on the inside, but it sounds like you’ve got great family and friends and breathing fire, enough said!
Sian
I admire your courage and strength. I do hope that you and your family will always stay together and strong. There might be hard times, yes, but you can get past that. Just hold on! And a warm hug for you my friend!
It’s not just about parenting alone, it’s about living alone too, and having to manage all those things that were previously shared between two people. I don’t know that it gets easier over time, but you do get used to it (well mostly). I hope that you start to feel more comfortable with your new life soon x
#FLAMETHROWER
LOVE IT! 😀
Beautiful! I am a single mom too.
beautifully written but that image is really scary