We have been dancing with diabetes for almost a year and my limbs are starting to drag. As soon as we master the Tango it seems we switch to a Foxtrot, then as we conquer that step the music changes again and we start an Irish Jig.
It seems to be an ongoing rhythm that never pauses for a break or refreshment.
And I am tired; we are all feeling the impact of tapping our toes in time to a dance that doesn’t have an end. The tendrils of diabetes stretch into all aspects of our lives, it slides into our days, dominates our nights, challenges our unit, threatens our familial bonds.
I feel that I am not a good enough mover, I lack the co-ordination to be all I need to be to try and lead this disease until twin girl is old enough and ready to take over. I feel that I am letting her down by sighing with exhaustion and moaning with the constant movement.
I speak to other diabetics parents who leap out of bed to test sugars through the night; the thought of running high or low blood sugars is motivation enough to raise them from slumber. I sleep like the dead, whilst I dream of the dance, but then the alarm sounds and I growl, and I rise, resenting the music that plays on in my ears, and I test blood sugars and normally dread the results. Does it mean more alarms, does it mean more worry, does it more fear, is the dance migrating towards a whirling waltz.
I return to sleep, alarm set for the next test, and I feel guilt for wanting to throw my tap shoes away, to walk like non diabetic parents, to have a night in their shoes. I feel guilt for wanting a life that my eldest daughter will simply never have.
It has been a long week, high blood sugars one night, excessive hypos the next day, the dance has changed almost hourly and the lack of sleep means we are stumbling through the steps. I have tried to befriend this condition, to work hand in hand, but this week I loathe it, dread it, and fear it for the disruption it can cause.
There is no point to this post, no rhyme or reason to the words, I merely long to be a better dancer, someone who finds diabetes an easy partner to move with. I want to push away my moaning and find comfort in knowing the steps.
I need to learn to dance a bit better.
Bear with me whilst I try.
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