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Northern Mum

Crossfitting, pancreas acting, single mum to three

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My Christmas List….

[subscribe2]Dear Santa,

I am writing to you early this year as I appreciate you have a lot of demands on your time and I don’t want my letter to be overlooked.

I have been a seriously good girl this year, if we ignore all the shouting and that one time I tapped BB’s little paw after she sunk her teeth into my thigh in Tesco’s I don’t think you will really be able to find fault with me.

I have played diligent mother by the hospital bed several times this year.  I am not trying to sway your emotions here and get you to feel sorry for me but I thought you should know and you may want to take this into consideration when filling your sack.

I don’t want much, last year I asked for healthy kids and your elves managed one out of three, perhaps we could ask them to try and little harder this year; rolling their sleeves up and applying themselves is the only way you will ever get an Ofsted Outstanding.  Plus not to scare you but the tooth fairy has been amazing this year, she has remembered every tooth, paid an appropriate sum and even shat glitter on the carpet; the elves may want to raise their game.

So my Christmas list.

I want a new table, a nice one, it doesn’t have to be expensive but if it came without ingrained dog wee on one of the legs then it would be a significant improvement on what I currently own.  If it extended then fabulous because when we all sit down to eat together it sounds likes a herd of cows chewing grass and I would quite like to sit as far away from my family as possible for Christmas lunch.

I don’t really foresee any issues with my first desire, after all we all know elves are skilled carpenters.

Secondly,  I want a size 10 waist.  I appreciate you can’t magic one up for me but potentially we could consider a gastric band operation or even an all expenses paid year membership at a luxury gym complete with personal training (an taller than average elf would do).  The gym needs a crèche though; it means feck all if I cant dump the children somewhere.

You may consider this one a big ask, but I remind you that I have spent the last three half terms on a hospital ward, I have breast fed a child in a spica class, I have taken leave from work to care for my elder daughter; I have sought solace in cake and wine; for the love of God get me slim Santa.

Then finally please may I have working bladder, I don’t care where you get one and how you get it inside me but times are getting desperate.  Three children have taken their toll and the beating my bladder got when twin boy used it as a football in uterus is more evident than ever before.  I need to pee four times a night, I don’t sleep that much at the best of times having to take a break from sleeping is downright torturous for any parent.  Laughing uproariously is becoming an issue, if I watch Jimmy Carr too long I need to sit on a sheet.  Plus that nasty cough I had last week really highlighted that my pelvic floor is shot to death.

That is it really Santa, I will send the kids letters on in the usual fiery fashion, however if you agree to Twin Boy’s request for a Hamster and Twin Girl’s request for a Rabbit you had better get your arse over here weekly to clean the rodents out.  If you need to find a reason to refuse their requests just give me a bell and I can give a choice of naughty scenarios to choose from.

In conclusion, give my best to Mrs Claus, tell her to keep up the diet, regards to the elves (and crack on chaps) and let Rudolph know I will be leaving him  out a carrot which looks rather like a willy just to break up his night with a bit of a giggle.

All my love, Merry Christmas,

Jane

P.S – I would also like a cat – a real one

 

Comments

  1. Very Bored in Catalunya says

    November 29, 2012 at 10:38 am

    You were doing so well until Jimmy Carr, really you find him *that* funny?

    Hope Santa does you proud, although I suspect you may just get a Jimmy Carr DVD and a shower curtain to sit on. 😉 x

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      December 5, 2012 at 7:34 pm

      I find others funnier but couldn’t remember their names!

      Reply
  2. angelfrouk says

    November 29, 2012 at 2:26 pm

    This is one of my favourite posts. Hilarious! I wish I could write like this.

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      December 5, 2012 at 7:34 pm

      Thanks x

      Reply
  3. Ali says

    November 29, 2012 at 8:09 pm

    Perhaps if you were to leave a butternut squash out addressed to Mrs Claus c/o the the reindeer then all the elves would have such a giggle it would make any little “tena” moment pale into insignificance.
    Of course then they could send you a fluffy kitten, which would grow into your desired cat and in turn sort out the rodents. Result?

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      December 5, 2012 at 7:35 pm

      Result! x x

      Reply
  4. older mum in a muddle says

    November 29, 2012 at 8:21 pm

    Fab post (as usual) and I can totally relate to the bladder situation – there’s nothing more annoying than getting up in the cold to go wee – Bah! X.

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      December 5, 2012 at 7:35 pm

      I want a new one!

      Reply
  5. Molly - Mother's Always Right says

    November 30, 2012 at 7:31 am

    Dear Santa, please ignore Jane’s request for a cat. I couldn’t come round to visit her if you met this request, as I am really Not A Cat Person. The other stuff though, yeah, crack on.

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      December 5, 2012 at 7:36 pm

      Please Santa – ignore her!

      Reply
  6. Sheena Byrom says

    November 30, 2012 at 8:11 am

    Brilliant. Utterly brilliant. Another chuckle again this morning thanks to you #makesmesmile

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      December 5, 2012 at 7:36 pm

      welcome!

      Reply
  7. Actually Mummy... says

    November 30, 2012 at 8:59 am

    Is the cat to dispense with the need for cleaning out the rodents?

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      December 5, 2012 at 7:37 pm

      Yup!

      Reply
  8. Looking for Blue Sky says

    November 30, 2012 at 4:00 pm

    Perhaps the cat is the most likely (and useful?) unless you have a very large chimney 🙂

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      December 5, 2012 at 7:38 pm

      We do have a large chimney!

      Reply
  9. LauraCYMFT says

    November 30, 2012 at 9:10 pm

    I asked Santa for Tom Hardy…Hoping he can fit him in his sack for me 🙂 I have 3 cats, I will happily give you one if you like? I’m now doing my pelvic floors, thanks for reminding me 🙂 I hope Santa is good to you all.

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      December 5, 2012 at 7:38 pm

      Thanks Laura!

      Reply
  10. The Beesley Buzz says

    November 30, 2012 at 11:28 pm

    love this! and your tooth fairy has been far more efficient than ours. Ours forgot (ahem .. I mean …couldn’t fly) one night because of bad weather. x

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      December 5, 2012 at 7:39 pm

      hmmmm

      Reply
  11. michelle twin mum says

    December 1, 2012 at 11:13 am

    Love it Jane, I might just nick your list and send it to Santa too, cos to be honest I could do with all those things as well.

    Rock on! Mich x

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      December 5, 2012 at 7:39 pm

      Its yours

      Reply
  12. Bass says

    December 2, 2012 at 9:40 am

    Damn fine funny writing.

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      December 5, 2012 at 7:41 pm

      Thanks very much xxxxxxx

      Reply
  13. James says

    December 2, 2012 at 6:47 pm

    You don’t want to clean up after a hamster, and yet you want a cat? Have you forgotten the hair-shedding, grass-vomiting, litter-tray-missing exploits of Binks Mackenzie?

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      December 5, 2012 at 7:41 pm

      I am missing that cat…..

      Reply
  14. amummysview says

    December 2, 2012 at 8:29 pm

    not much to ask at all! You totally deserve all three! 😉 xxx

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      December 5, 2012 at 7:42 pm

      I like your thinking

      Reply
  15. helloitsgemma says

    December 2, 2012 at 9:50 pm

    sharing the bladder issue is a step too far (note to self, don’t make her laugh or bring plastic sheeting).
    cat is a good idea.

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      December 5, 2012 at 7:42 pm

      Good thinking!

      Reply
  16. Jazzygal says

    December 21, 2012 at 10:06 pm

    Hilarious!Thanks for the giggle 😀 You really do want a cat I see… you should have said so last summer, when my Pretty Cat had Pretty Kitties!

    xx Jazzy

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      December 30, 2012 at 9:32 pm

      can she have more?

      Reply
  17. Sharon says

    December 26, 2012 at 7:45 pm

    Oh that made me laugh, thanks for the giggle.

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      December 30, 2012 at 9:32 pm

      anytime x

      Reply
  18. Sally says

    December 29, 2012 at 9:47 pm

    Love this post. Thanks for the giggles, and good luck with the wish list.
    Sally
    http://www.dorothyandtheodore.com/blog

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      December 30, 2012 at 9:31 pm

      Thanks!

      Reply

Trackbacks

  1. A message for my husband about my love for Robbie Williams...... - Northern Mum says:
    December 2, 2012 at 10:37 am

    […] getting a Cat for Christmas is going badly, every time I mention the word kitten he who helped create them pales a little and […]

    Reply
  2. Advertorial: All they want for Christmas is...... - Northern Mum says:
    December 3, 2012 at 10:54 pm

    […] number one – we are not happy about the pet rodent, I have tirelessly explained that Santa doesn’t carry live animals because of customs and […]

    Reply
  3. Advertorial Post: A cat is not for Christmas..... - Northern Mum says:
    January 16, 2013 at 7:14 am

    […] belief in Santa is starting to fade.  After writing a beautifully crafted and evocative letter to him explaining my behaviour of late it seems he chose to point blank ignore […]

    Reply

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