Having children has been an eye opener for me. Finding out Santa was a fabrication in my youth was hard to deal with but really some of the lies I have been told since then regarding children are borderline obscene.
Take this popular urban myth; ‘your life will be richer when you have your own family’
This one was clearly spread by the parents of the Oxo kids and their large financial advertising contract. For the rest of us it is simply horse shit. I drive a car that I wouldn’t have even parked next to pre children, if I ever came across a fifty pound note I would simply pop it in BB’s play till as I wouldn’t have a clue what one looks like. Spare cash which was once donated charitably to Karen Millen is now evenly split between two swimming teachers, a football coach, a ballet dancer and the Head of school.
And then the wise words that ‘your children are your legacy’; so far my legacy involves indecent exposure at a school play, an awful lot of poop, and lots of unnecessary breast exposure.
‘Breastfeeding helps you lose weight’. I have stuck to this diet for twenty months; am still nursing, am still fat. It’s a lie people, try eating less and running more, it is far more successful.
One of my favourites, ‘childbirth hurts, but you forget the pain immediately afterwards when you hold your baby for the first time.‘.
Horse shit.
I remember every cruel bite of a contraction, the heat that tore through my belly and set my womb on fire. I also remember the relief of an epidural which meant I went back for more. To quickly dispel another myth, just because you got the good drugs first time round does not mean you automatically get hooked up again. My supply was switched off, I won’t be going back to that delivery suite.
And finally, for those of you with pre school kids, it does not get easier when they go to school. School runs interspersed with nightly reading, homework, helping out with swimming rotas, volunteering in class, paper mache on weekends and not to mention the fourteen weeks of eternal holidays means it is just a new form of hard work.
Don’t get me wrong, if I had my time again I would still have the little darlings, but I would take advantage of the money I had BC* and buy more gin, it makes the fibs easier to bear, I would also take out share in Tena lady and Toys R’ Us – they are never going into recession whilst the world keeps re populating.
Feel free experienced mothers to add the whoppers you were told below; together we can educate the world!
*BC – Before Children
Ah- ha I did a very similar post about this few months ago. The lies they feed you. The smug NCT Groups telling you that childbirth is a miracle and that motherhood is a wonder – utter, utter bollocks. I love my children. I really do. But after having to fish my knickers out of the urine soaked toliet for the 3rd time this week (yes, dear son goes through my laundry bin) I can safely say, children are a NIGHTMARE!!
Evey (Polythene Pram)
and dont you only have one……
I got told that it would be easier with the second child, well it really really doesn’t especially if that second child has medical problems since birth & is autistic as well. It’s bloody hard.
I imagine that to be very hard, big fibs we were told!
x
Well, you definitely are *not* fat. I know. I saw you at the MADs remember! (If you remember, you are *much* slimmer than me… *sobs*)
I totally know what you mean.
Though the whole thing about Davina saying that childbirth is empowering? I kinda did understand what she meant, second time around.
First time? It just BLOODY HURT!
You forgot to mention when they find not-opened box of Special K and decide to empty the entire contents onto their bedroom floor for you to hoover up.
No? You mean that’s just my one then?
Always with the expensive stuff… they have radar, you know! 😉
*coughs* I have ‘grown’ since the MadsQ!
It doesn’t matter how much you read or what you are told, nothing, and I mean nothing prepares you for being a parent. It’s the hardest job I have ever had, and it has the fewest training opportunities I have ever come across.
You forgot to mention the fear, suddenly you are responsible for this small person, how they turn out later in life is largely dependant on your actions over the coming years, are we raising a mass murderer, a psychopath, a nervous wreck, or a future leader?
There is nothing attractive about being a parent, it’s long hours, dirty work and more often than not totally unappreciated by your offspring who take great pleasure in telling you how awful, cruel and mean you are.
Would I do it again? I certainly don’t want another, but would I give up those unsolicited cuddles, the kisses given without being asked for, the little pictures left for me on my desk telling me I am loved, or the pride I take in my daughters accomplishments.
Sure it would be nice to have a nice car and nice clothes again, but they are inconstant, the memories of those won’t keep me warm in my old age like the memories of our time spent together.
So if you’re expecting throw away everything you’ve read (other than this blog which tends to hit the nail on the head so often for me!) and just accept that it’s a hard road ahead but there are a few (just a few mind you) heartwarming moments ahead that you wouldn’t have enjoyed otherwise.
awww, I love it when a comment reads so well.
everyone else – what she says!
You child will sleep through after about 3 months.
lol – did I touch a nerve? x
one truth – you will love your grandchildren unconditionally, you will delight in every loving look and embrace their geniasical utterings and stash away their works of art – why?
Cos you can give them back to their rightful owners and watch in delight as they struggle with THEIR little brats – karma.
One day – you have given me hope!
I came to the conclusion over the weekend that our generation of women were told a load of lies about their being no glass ceiling, we could have it all, should expect to have it all and it was a level playing field.
Total and utter bullshit.
Exactly, all that go out and work crap – I work and my kids revel in telling me how mummies who dont work can make craft and all that stuff and they have tissues apparently to give to snotty children. I on the other hand dont craft and often wipe noses with a spare nappy!
I’m not sure you’re meant to take the “richer” in “your life will be richer when you have your own family” in the financial sense. My interpretation is that everything in the world seems more vibrant when your child’s eyes help you see and experience things. Which I think is true, and rather lovely. Also, maybe give it a few more years before you take stock of your legacy (and in the meantime, don’t forget that your reading public come here for the tales of indecent exposure and poo)…
Oh dearest, I remember when the twins were the same age as your little love, I felt the same, however now the glasses have slipped and the world just seems hard work!!!!
And you have met my son – that is my legacy – god help us!!!!
(Just kidding twin boy – in case you read this in later life)
Oh maybe toothless Binks could be my legacy……
No doubt I do have rose-tinted specs on; feel free to gloatingly remind me of my hamster-faced optimism several years/children down the line, when fatherhood has taken its toll… And surely Twin Boy is destined for great things, either as prime minister or as some sort of maths genius…
True, but if he isnt I am fecked as we have no pension, house is falling down and I am allergic to saving….
Maybe you would like to adopt one of mine? Save them like you did the cat?
I’m with Pants With Names. I feel I was lied to about being able to have it all as well, and have to concentrate on enjoying what I do have instead of an interesting, fulfilling career.
The labour thing sucks; we were told that labour hurts but it’s bearable because you know it won’t last forever and there is baby at the end of it. When I was in labour, I didn’t think twice about the baby; all I could think was ‘ this bloody hurts’ and ask for pain relief.
I also think being told you will know how to deal with your own kids is a crock of shite; quite often I have no idea what I’m supposed to be doing
Exactly, I am bloody clueless, we have ran out of punishments and they laugh at us now. Got no time to read bloody parenting books and when I did have time I found them highly entertaining but realistically quite impossible to stick to. Somebody help me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I went into it with my eyes open. I knew that children, like pets, would be wearing, expensive and malodorous. I also knew that they would distract me from one of my main purposes in life which is self-indulgence. But I bit the bullet, as late as I could get away with, because I fancied the chance of being a grandmother. My daughter declares she’ll never marry if she has to kiss a man and my son likes to carry handbags with lipstick in, so my ambitions may never be realised, but the hope of affectionate small blood relatives that I can stuff guiltlessly with Dolly Mixtures then hand back for bath time keeps me going. The biggest lie I’ve found is that they’ll eat anything if you serve it up seven times.
Ha!!!
Maybe have one more? that way you are hedging the bets slightly?
OMG what a hilarious post, and comments. I hate to break it to you but it really doesn’t get any easier. There’s a saying, “Little kids, little problems; big kids, big problems”, and it’s true. I have an almost 19 y/o, a 16 y/o and an 8 y/o (yes, that’s right) and I am bloody knackered, both physically and mentally.
Last night the 19 y/o (home from college) decided to go out for something to eat at 10.30pm and then give her friend a lift home at around midnight. I lay awake for hours wondering which door wasn’t locked (front or back) and hoping that burglars wouldn’t notice that she hadn’t put the alarm on. (Too tired to get up.)
When the twins turned five I resigned myself to the thought that it would never get easier, I still remain a lovable burden to my parents so I am going into this with gin soaked eyes…
ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! It’s our duty as parents not to pass on these “truths”, its essential to the continuation of mankind that we perpetuate these ridiculous lies.
It must not be told that actually you feel shitty during all trimesters; your perineum will tear; you might only be gushing with blood rather than love, after giving birth; you will never, never sleep peacefully ever again; even if you never have before, you’ll leave having a shower for a couple of days more than you should; you will always have some kind of baby excreta on you; you’ll love being a mum, you will never be alone ever again, not even when you’re on the toilet.
If the truth gets out the human race is f****d
Sorry, I have not told all the secrets….
I kept quiet about stretch marks being for life not just for pregnancy and how the bundle of joy you gave birth to will loathe you for its teenage years……
Absolutely hilarious and for the most part very true. I do disagree with the breastfeeding one though. I breastfed for a year, got down to a uk size 12, was the slimmest I’ve ever been and then I stopped. My normal dress size is 18 but I’m currently a size 22, sigh!! With my next child I’m breastfeeding until he goes to college.
Your breasts must be better than mine!
That’s for certain put me off kids. & really sorry to hear about the ongoing woes with BB…. Be strong, she probably is….
thanks Ben x x
I really liked your blogpost. My OH’s neice is expecting in May and I have to try and bite my lip sometimes when she says “we’re going to do this .. and this” and you think “ok, I give it 2 weeks tops” because you’ll get too tired and it’ll all go out the window! I love being a mum to 2 children, wouldn’t have it any other way but the honest truth is the non-stop routines for a 6 y o and 10 y o can get boring and a bit brain-numbing (dare I say it!), and as a working mum, you feel guilty at work & guilty at home. But they love you and you love them unconditionally which is amazing, they make you laugh till you cry and it’s brilliant how they see the world in such a beautiful way.
very true, bloody hard work but worth it! x
At least your not bitter 🙂
Not in the slightest!
Why did no-one ever ever tell me about the afterpains (especially with the second pregnancy- OMG did they hurt. I thought there must be another one in there that everyone had missed and it was making a bid for freedom. OUch it brings tears to my eyes just remembering.
they were a git!!!!!
Twins are easier than one because they have each other play with. Erm……no!
LOL – I Had that one as well!!!!
That subsequent babies would just “fit in”. No3 rules the bloody roost, and only partly because he is never properly well for more than 5 mins at a time.
youch!
40 years on my mum still tells me what hell it was giving birth to me and twin sis…and you know what I’m going to do the same with my twins! BTW the first baby smile never makes up for the sleepless nights, the scary poo that leaks from everywhere and your body is no longer your own…
keeping it real!
Excellent work Northern Mum! Especially love the use of ‘Horseshit’ as it fits the post so very well indeed. Life certainly was different *BC, I’m eye to eye with you on this one!
Why thank you! X
The biggest lie I was told was “it is easier with two”. This is what my boss told me when I confessed I was worried about having a second child.
On occassion it can be true and they can be beautiful angels exuding tranquility and harmony. This however is rare, very rare! Normally they fight, argue and torment each other while I decide if the latest episode is reason enough to lock myself in the bathroom!
Its a good job I love them that is all I can say.
Unconditional love has a lot to answer for…..
Oooh fab post and very popular as very true! I would definately have had more lie ins, more wine, and travelled more! x
dont worry – plenty of time for more wine in life!!!! x
Love it – very funny!
Thanks x
Another classic, friend. I’m with you on the poor bit. Although I’m utterly disappointed to hear it doesn’t get easier when they go to school…
And you know I only speak the truth!
People continue to tell me lies. A prime example… “Aw, with twins it’s so nice that they’ve got a readymade playmate.” This depends if by “playmate” you mean a victim to be bitten, punched, pushed etc if left unattended for five seconds. Case closed.
I always got the ‘you were made for twins’ – did that just mean I was fat?
I found this post hilarious! Thanks – but (and please don’t lynch me!!) I was one of those mums who told myself through every contraction “One less. One closer to meeting Little Moo… or Ole…” Yes I did. Twice. With only gas and air….
The biggest lie I was told – by no less than my own mother though – was that labour doesn’t feel any worse than period pains. Bloody liar!!!!!!
I didn’t think those people existed *wail*
Sorry ;-p xx
At my antenatal Class we were told childbirth is easy. Pain is just in your head. Not what you tell the partners of heavily pregnant women. Was preparing my reaction if this got repeated in the delivery suite!
Clearly said by some one who has never given birth
I’m still outraged they cut off your drug supply during your second birthing experience. Christ I screamed for an epidural both times – and would have killed anyone who said no!
The biggest lies out there are the baby food/nappy adverts – showing women in full make-up and vomit-free clothing, blowing raspberries on their baby’s belly while the little one giggles.
My boys used to scream and kick me in the face when I was changing their nappy. They usually peed all over me, but I didn’t care cos I was usually in puke-soaked pyjamas with my hair sticking up and bags under my eyes – begging them to go for a nap so I could get some sleep/a shower/a large gin.
Ah happy memories!
Such a wonderful time….