“Have you been before love?”
“Yes” I whisper shame apparent on seasonally round cheeks.
“We all slip up” she says looking at me as if I were a walking five pound note.
“Fill this in” she says gently pushing me down onto a plastic chair which has one leg shorter than the other therefore creating an odd wobbling sensation.
“Name here,” she points with a slender hand, “address, phone number, so I can always find you” she shrills with a slight look of the terminator about her. “And finally your banks details, right, here.”
The paperwork completed she beams at me, “you’ll crack it this time” she grins “just keep coming to see me.”. She looks like she would like to embrace me so quickly I lurch from the chair and go stand in line.
In front of me women stand talking a language I once remember speaking, a language devised in points and colours.
I lower my head, and shuffle forward damning all the christmas treats that have stubbornly gathered around my waist. As I approach the gleaming satanic scales I curse the fact that whilst one After Eight is only one point the box I consumed last night with a bottle of Pinot is about four thousand points.
The women in front moan and whimper about how we have all found ourselves here again in fatland. I crane my neck trying to work out who is chubbier, me or them.
One women reckons it was her Nigel’s affair that sent her back to food, the other reckons it was caused by stress of the euro collapsing. I chalk up my fall from grace from having multiple one night stands with Domino’s, the curry house, the chinese and the local fish bar. I also accept that my love of cake and wine have not helped nor has the fact that following an argument six months ago myself and exercise have not hung out together at all.
The moment comes, I remove my shoes, socks, gloves, scarf, coat, trousers, shirt and stand in my vest and pants holding in my stomach face slowly turning pink with effort and I squeeze my eyes closed.
Peeking one eye open I audibly sigh and raise my fist to the sky,
“Damn you After Eights”
Bring on the dust….
Similar problem here, but Pringles are my vice!
go on have an after eight…..
Stopped buy 1 one get 1 free offers! I’m on my 2nd box AND I got sucked into the jellytots and dollymixture cake stall in Selfridges yesterday.
hmmmmm dolly mixtures
I can hardly see my feet – even when I’m wearing glasses – and I’m definitely not expecting number 4 lol
feet are overrated
I have eaten all the kids Xmas chocs and feel no hint of guilt, I am saving their teeth (but ruining my own!) xxx
i remain in awe of your parenting skills!
Oh god, I’m also feeling particularly porky post Christmas. After Eights have also been my downfall, but that wouldn’t be so bad if they weren’t shoved in my gob along with Christmas cake (with cream), trifle (with added cream), pannettone, and Christmas pud (with brandy cream AND brandy butter). I am disgusting! And off to have a slice of cake to console myself…. good luck to you! xx
why thanks enjoy the calories
Am refusing to think about my waist line until half way through January. Or maybe February depending upon how long it takes me to eat the rest of the kids Xmas chocolates…
Well that is a challenge on itself…..
Oooh get you – it’s not even new year yet. How virtuous. I intend to continue pigging out until at least new year. I figure the fatter you are, the easier it is to shed weight and I could do with some easy won achievement in my life right now…
Lol you are tiny. X
I have always been bigger than what I should be, I have lost some weight and have given up for now. As long as I do not put on much of what I have lost but hopefully I am going to have another baby soon and if history repeats itself, I will lose weight afterwards…we shall see!
Hope it all goes well. Keep us informed x
Good luck x
Full marks for telling this story against yourself – and in a humorous way!
Welcome x
sadly it is the wine that’s my downfall 🙁 Am planning on an alcohol-free January, just for the boost! (pah! who am I kidding? …)
Good luck!
feeling your pain back on WW when we leave ireland
You are not alone….
I’m going to a WW meeting on the 2nd of Jan. Sadly, I think I need to lose about a stone before then …
I need to lose three…..
Ha ha, very funny. Like some others, I’m saving my quest till the New Year – pass the Thorntons along PULESE…
Brave, clearly you hAve not indulged to my extreme….
I knew from the first line what you were talking about! I hate the return to WW that I do 3 times a year, and the wine that is my consolation prize. They tell you stuff like 5 Maltesers is only 1 point, but it is pointless! Who only eats 5? And when you start on the wine it is of course obligatory to add in the crisp factor – or cheese….*groans*
I’m with you in the queue sister!
Can we hold hands?
Ill be the one with the big bottom…..
Through the years my “waist line” has slowly evolved into an “equator”. I defend my efforts to support numerous third world economies by my consumption of free trade confections as a justification as to why god invented elastic..xx
Tut! I have known you for years and you are tiny x
Ha ha – this sounds a bit like me. I’m a sucker for a bit of after eight…
Evey @ PolythenePram
After eigths are the devils food….
I just love how you write! You rock.
(I can’t resist the chocolate… and NEVER EVER go on scales)
Maggy
and still you are little!
Ah yes the dreaded post Christmas scales are a nightmare! I am shocked how quickly my indulgences register on them 🙁
If only it comes off that quick x
Good luck lovely. I am refusing to get on the scales. Think I might need to give up the beer :-(( xx
I am huge……
Grrr… I would have been fine if those mince pies hadn’t jumped down my throat. And let’s not mention the wine – it clearly had nowhere else to spend Christmas and moved it’s whole family into my stomach *sigh*
I am hosting its distant cousins!
Vest and pants? You strip to your underwear and your underwear is a vest and pants! Heavens. At least go in a push up bra and a thong. It’s good to be remembered.
You slim people would not understand…..
I’ve just spent a month drinking ponche de creme (mainly condensed milk and rum). Should I be surprised that nothing fits right?
Yes, I have existed on wine and cheese and can’t believe I have “grown”