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Northern Mum

Crossfitting, pancreas acting, single mum to three

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not a good end to year…

“Have you been before love?”

“Yes” I whisper shame apparent on seasonally round cheeks.

“We all slip up” she says looking at me as if I were a walking five pound note.

“Fill this in” she says gently pushing me down onto a plastic chair which has one leg shorter than the other therefore creating an odd wobbling sensation.

“Name here,” she points with a slender hand, “address, phone number, so I can always find you” she shrills with a slight look of the terminator about her. “And finally your banks details, right, here.”

The paperwork completed she beams at me, “you’ll crack it this time” she grins “just keep coming to see me.”. She looks like she would like to embrace me so quickly I lurch from the chair and go stand in line.

In front of me women stand talking a language I once remember speaking, a language devised in points and colours.

I lower my head, and shuffle forward damning all the christmas treats that have stubbornly gathered around my waist. As I approach the gleaming satanic scales I curse the fact that whilst one After Eight is only one point the box I consumed last night with a bottle of Pinot is about four thousand points.

The women in front moan and whimper about how we have all found ourselves here again in fatland. I crane my neck trying to work out who is chubbier, me or them.

One women reckons it was her Nigel’s affair that sent her back to food, the other reckons it was caused by stress of the euro collapsing. I chalk up my fall from grace from having multiple one night stands with Domino’s, the curry house, the chinese and the local fish bar. I also accept that my love of cake and wine have not helped nor has the fact that following an argument six months ago myself and exercise have not hung out together at all.

The moment comes, I remove my shoes, socks, gloves, scarf, coat, trousers, shirt and stand in my vest and pants holding in my stomach face slowly turning pink with effort and I squeeze my eyes closed.

Peeking one eye open I audibly sigh and raise my fist to the sky,

“Damn you After Eights”

Bring on the dust….

Comments

  1. thebabywife says

    December 28, 2011 at 8:35 pm

    Similar problem here, but Pringles are my vice!

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      December 28, 2011 at 8:38 pm

      go on have an after eight…..

      Reply
  2. Notmyyearoff says

    December 28, 2011 at 9:19 pm

    Stopped buy 1 one get 1 free offers! I’m on my 2nd box AND I got sucked into the jellytots and dollymixture cake stall in Selfridges yesterday.

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      December 30, 2011 at 11:14 am

      hmmmmm dolly mixtures

      Reply
  3. Blue Sky says

    December 28, 2011 at 11:15 pm

    I can hardly see my feet – even when I’m wearing glasses – and I’m definitely not expecting number 4 lol

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      December 30, 2011 at 11:15 am

      feet are overrated

      Reply
  4. teawithonesugar says

    December 28, 2011 at 11:16 pm

    I have eaten all the kids Xmas chocs and feel no hint of guilt, I am saving their teeth (but ruining my own!) xxx

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      December 30, 2011 at 11:15 am

      i remain in awe of your parenting skills!

      Reply
  5. richmondmummy says

    December 28, 2011 at 11:16 pm

    Oh god, I’m also feeling particularly porky post Christmas. After Eights have also been my downfall, but that wouldn’t be so bad if they weren’t shoved in my gob along with Christmas cake (with cream), trifle (with added cream), pannettone, and Christmas pud (with brandy cream AND brandy butter). I am disgusting! And off to have a slice of cake to console myself…. good luck to you! xx

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      December 30, 2011 at 11:15 am

      why thanks enjoy the calories

      Reply
  6. Pants With Names says

    December 28, 2011 at 11:57 pm

    Am refusing to think about my waist line until half way through January. Or maybe February depending upon how long it takes me to eat the rest of the kids Xmas chocolates…

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      December 30, 2011 at 12:50 am

      Well that is a challenge on itself…..

      Reply
  7. Pooky @poorparenting says

    December 29, 2011 at 12:41 am

    Oooh get you – it’s not even new year yet. How virtuous. I intend to continue pigging out until at least new year. I figure the fatter you are, the easier it is to shed weight and I could do with some easy won achievement in my life right now…

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      December 30, 2011 at 12:50 am

      Lol you are tiny. X

      Reply
  8. Kelly Wiffin says

    December 29, 2011 at 9:20 am

    I have always been bigger than what I should be, I have lost some weight and have given up for now. As long as I do not put on much of what I have lost but hopefully I am going to have another baby soon and if history repeats itself, I will lose weight afterwards…we shall see!

    Hope it all goes well. Keep us informed x

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      December 30, 2011 at 12:49 am

      Good luck x

      Reply
  9. fireflyphil says

    December 29, 2011 at 10:10 am

    Full marks for telling this story against yourself – and in a humorous way!

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      December 30, 2011 at 12:49 am

      Welcome x

      Reply
  10. Mandy (@mummyontheedge1) says

    December 29, 2011 at 11:00 am

    sadly it is the wine that’s my downfall 🙁 Am planning on an alcohol-free January, just for the boost! (pah! who am I kidding? …)

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      December 30, 2011 at 12:48 am

      Good luck!

      Reply
  11. Expat Mammy says

    December 29, 2011 at 11:26 am

    feeling your pain back on WW when we leave ireland

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      December 30, 2011 at 12:48 am

      You are not alone….

      Reply
  12. speccy says

    December 29, 2011 at 12:34 pm

    I’m going to a WW meeting on the 2nd of Jan. Sadly, I think I need to lose about a stone before then …

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      December 30, 2011 at 12:21 am

      I need to lose three…..

      Reply
  13. AmsterdaMummy says

    December 29, 2011 at 2:41 pm

    Ha ha, very funny. Like some others, I’m saving my quest till the New Year – pass the Thorntons along PULESE…

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      December 30, 2011 at 12:21 am

      Brave, clearly you hAve not indulged to my extreme….

      Reply
  14. actuallymummy says

    December 29, 2011 at 4:57 pm

    I knew from the first line what you were talking about! I hate the return to WW that I do 3 times a year, and the wine that is my consolation prize. They tell you stuff like 5 Maltesers is only 1 point, but it is pointless! Who only eats 5? And when you start on the wine it is of course obligatory to add in the crisp factor – or cheese….*groans*
    I’m with you in the queue sister!

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      December 30, 2011 at 12:20 am

      Can we hold hands?

      Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      January 1, 2012 at 8:54 pm

      Ill be the one with the big bottom…..

      Reply
  15. ali says

    December 29, 2011 at 8:17 pm

    Through the years my “waist line” has slowly evolved into an “equator”. I defend my efforts to support numerous third world economies by my consumption of free trade confections as a justification as to why god invented elastic..xx

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      December 30, 2011 at 12:20 am

      Tut! I have known you for years and you are tiny x

      Reply
  16. Evey says

    December 29, 2011 at 8:41 pm

    Ha ha – this sounds a bit like me. I’m a sucker for a bit of after eight…
    Evey @ PolythenePram

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      December 30, 2011 at 12:19 am

      After eigths are the devils food….

      Reply
  17. maggy,red ted art says

    December 30, 2011 at 12:08 pm

    I just love how you write! You rock.
    (I can’t resist the chocolate… and NEVER EVER go on scales)

    Maggy

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      December 30, 2011 at 12:17 pm

      and still you are little!

      Reply
  18. Lou Strachan (@Bobbity666) says

    December 30, 2011 at 12:28 pm

    Ah yes the dreaded post Christmas scales are a nightmare! I am shocked how quickly my indulgences register on them 🙁

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      December 30, 2011 at 9:56 pm

      If only it comes off that quick x

      Reply
  19. Emma (@mummymummymum) says

    December 30, 2011 at 9:49 pm

    Good luck lovely. I am refusing to get on the scales. Think I might need to give up the beer :-(( xx

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      December 30, 2011 at 9:57 pm

      I am huge……

      Reply
  20. Bod for tea says

    January 2, 2012 at 3:06 pm

    Grrr… I would have been fine if those mince pies hadn’t jumped down my throat. And let’s not mention the wine – it clearly had nowhere else to spend Christmas and moved it’s whole family into my stomach *sigh*

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      January 2, 2012 at 5:36 pm

      I am hosting its distant cousins!

      Reply
  21. Helloitsgemma says

    January 3, 2012 at 8:24 am

    Vest and pants? You strip to your underwear and your underwear is a vest and pants! Heavens. At least go in a push up bra and a thong. It’s good to be remembered.

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      January 3, 2012 at 5:51 pm

      You slim people would not understand…..

      Reply
  22. Circus Queen says

    January 3, 2012 at 3:55 pm

    I’ve just spent a month drinking ponche de creme (mainly condensed milk and rum). Should I be surprised that nothing fits right?

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      January 3, 2012 at 5:52 pm

      Yes, I have existed on wine and cheese and can’t believe I have “grown”

      Reply

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