not a good end to year…

by

“Have you been before love?”

“Yes” I whisper shame apparent on seasonally round cheeks.

“We all slip up” she says looking at me as if I were a walking five pound note.

“Fill this in” she says gently pushing me down onto a plastic chair which has one leg shorter than the other therefore creating an odd wobbling sensation.

“Name here,” she points with a slender hand, “address, phone number, so I can always find you” she shrills with a slight look of the terminator about her. “And finally your banks details, right, here.”

The paperwork completed she beams at me, “you’ll crack it this time” she grins “just keep coming to see me.”. She looks like she would like to embrace me so quickly I lurch from the chair and go stand in line.

In front of me women stand talking a language I once remember speaking, a language devised in points and colours.

I lower my head, and shuffle forward damning all the christmas treats that have stubbornly gathered around my waist. As I approach the gleaming satanic scales I curse the fact that whilst one After Eight is only one point the box I consumed last night with a bottle of Pinot is about four thousand points.

The women in front moan and whimper about how we have all found ourselves here again in fatland. I crane my neck trying to work out who is chubbier, me or them.

One women reckons it was her Nigel’s affair that sent her back to food, the other reckons it was caused by stress of the euro collapsing. I chalk up my fall from grace from having multiple one night stands with Domino’s, the curry house, the chinese and the local fish bar. I also accept that my love of cake and wine have not helped nor has the fact that following an argument six months ago myself and exercise have not hung out together at all.

The moment comes, I remove my shoes, socks, gloves, scarf, coat, trousers, shirt and stand in my vest and pants holding in my stomach face slowly turning pink with effort and I squeeze my eyes closed.

Peeking one eye open I audibly sigh and raise my fist to the sky,

“Damn you After Eights”

Bring on the dust….

45 thoughts on “not a good end to year…”

  5. Oh god, I’m also feeling particularly porky post Christmas. After Eights have also been my downfall, but that wouldn’t be so bad if they weren’t shoved in my gob along with Christmas cake (with cream), trifle (with added cream), pannettone, and Christmas pud (with brandy cream AND brandy butter). I am disgusting! And off to have a slice of cake to console myself…. good luck to you! xx

  7. Oooh get you – it’s not even new year yet. How virtuous. I intend to continue pigging out until at least new year. I figure the fatter you are, the easier it is to shed weight and I could do with some easy won achievement in my life right now…

  8. I have always been bigger than what I should be, I have lost some weight and have given up for now. As long as I do not put on much of what I have lost but hopefully I am going to have another baby soon and if history repeats itself, I will lose weight afterwards…we shall see!

    Hope it all goes well. Keep us informed x

  14. I knew from the first line what you were talking about! I hate the return to WW that I do 3 times a year, and the wine that is my consolation prize. They tell you stuff like 5 Maltesers is only 1 point, but it is pointless! Who only eats 5? And when you start on the wine it is of course obligatory to add in the crisp factor – or cheese….*groans*
    I’m with you in the queue sister!

  15. Through the years my “waist line” has slowly evolved into an “equator”. I defend my efforts to support numerous third world economies by my consumption of free trade confections as a justification as to why god invented elastic..xx

  20. Grrr… I would have been fine if those mince pies hadn’t jumped down my throat. And let’s not mention the wine – it clearly had nowhere else to spend Christmas and moved it’s whole family into my stomach *sigh*

  21. Vest and pants? You strip to your underwear and your underwear is a vest and pants! Heavens. At least go in a push up bra and a thong. It’s good to be remembered.

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