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Northern Mum

Crossfitting, pancreas acting, single mum to three

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Terror: and how I survived…

Terrified…

There is no other word to sum up my emotions as I slowly climbed step by step, higher and higher towards the summit.

Below me my husband and three children waved on crying out words of encouragement. Waves of worry fluttered over BB’s face as she watched her mother ascend up towards the sky further away from her out reached arms. He who helped create them smiled as he yelled “you can do it.” But behind his smile I could see the doubt, I could see he thought I might not survive this trip.

Finally I reached the top, shivering with both cold and fear, I turned my round chubby body, coated only in a support enhanced swimsuit to the lifeguard beside me.

“Av you bin on this before luv?” She said gesturing to the steep slide before me.

I shook my head, anxious tears threatening to expose me for what I was, a terrified, freezing, idiotic mother of three who was determined to show her kids she was as cool as Daddy.

“Just took yer chin in and lay flat on yer back and you’ll be fine.”

I took a deep breath and surveyed the sight before me. The pink mouth of the slide mocked me, its circular shape called me a scarededy cat and dared me to lay down inside it. I peered over the side of the stairwell and waved one last time to my audience below before committing myself to sliding down an vertical tube into a puddle of water below.

I caught the faint sound of chanting twins on the wind calling “go mummy go, go mummy go.”

Had I been wearing pants not a costume there was a chance that I may well have gone where I was standing.

The chap behind me, ten years younger and covered in tattoos that my kids could have inked on, nudged me and said.

“Ya goin on? Tis a long queue behind ya init. Get on then.”

So I climbed into the pink plastic beasts mouth, I laid down and in my own very slow time released my fingers one by one from the metal bar and then started to slide.

I started off slow, then quickly gathered speed, the claustrophobia of being stuck in a fluorescent pink tube overwhelmed me and I started to whimper. Suddenly the slide curved and dropped, like a bullet out of a gun I shot down, water sawing up through my feet forcing my swimsuit to ride into my rear in a slicing motion. I hit literally sixty miles an hour and almost choked on water because I was foolish enough open my mouth on a water slide so I could let out a little wail of intense displeasure.

Then bang, I landed in the puddle of water, it was over, I was alive.

And now my kids think I is well cool, and I also got to see if a thong based swimsuit was for me…

It’s not by the way; did me no favours at all…

Comments

  1. thesingingmummy says

    September 12, 2011 at 10:22 pm

    Ha!!! Love it!! 🙂 I once tried to be cool in a water Park in Portugal, it ended with me being shouted at several times by a very angry life guard who was at the top of the slide beacuse I would not move, I was frozen to the spot with fear!! When I did get going, I ended up going into the water head first and really did think for a moment I was going to drown……I didn’t and am here to tell the tale, however, my step son who I was trying to impress was stupidly embarrased by me and would not be seen with me the rest of the time we were in the water park!! It is safe to say I have not been back on a water slide since!! The things us Mummys do eh?!!!

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      September 13, 2011 at 7:09 pm

      Oh dear!

      But yes I agree we try and impress and often shame instead!

      Reply
  2. Sarah says

    September 12, 2011 at 10:26 pm

    Excellent work and very brave. My husband went down the Stuker in Florida, some ridiculous 80 foot vertical slide thing. He said he actually felt the water push his balls pushed up inside his body – silly twit. Wouldnt have got me on it – don’t do heights so kudos – you are a hero!

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      September 13, 2011 at 7:08 pm

      Oh lord that’s fabulously funny,

      Balls inside body! Classic

      Reply
  3. mothersalwaysright says

    September 13, 2011 at 7:03 am

    Hilarious! Reminds me of a trip to a water park with my parents aged 12. My dad went on a huge water slide and ended up with a about 5 litres of water shot up his behind. Had to limp out of the pool straight to the toilet to deal with his DIY enema. Poor dad.

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      September 13, 2011 at 7:06 pm

      Can’t reply laughing too much!

      Reply
    • NotMyYearOff says

      September 17, 2011 at 11:21 am

      Hahaaaa lmao 🙂

      Reply
      • janeblackmore says

        September 17, 2011 at 1:56 pm

        Glad you liked x

        Reply
  4. Deliciousnessy says

    September 13, 2011 at 7:41 am

    Hahahahahha! Well done.
    When I was little I went on a flume one of those really steep ones. Was so tense and scared that I ended up in a neck brace after pulling a bunch of muscles in it!
    So it’s ok to be scared. You can in fact hurt yourself 😉 xx

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      September 13, 2011 at 7:06 pm

      You are a lesson to all little people out there! *snorts* 🙂 x x x

      Reply
  5. speccy says

    September 13, 2011 at 7:44 am

    Good tale 🙂 No, I’m never going to do that …

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      September 13, 2011 at 7:05 pm

      Oh go on….

      Reply
  6. lucy says

    September 13, 2011 at 9:51 am

    well done, you are a braver lassy than I x although i was a massive extreme sports fan before children, I actively tried paragliding, climbing, canyoning, white water rafting etc yeh I could do all that, but now the mere thought of a water shute or roller coaster fills me with dread, mine will have to deal with the prospect of a wimp for a mum, WELL DONE xxxxxxxxxxx

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      September 13, 2011 at 7:04 pm

      Its an age thing I think! I used to be first in line for rides, slides etc, now I dislike getting my hair wet and have started swimming with my head above water to avoid getting it wet!

      Reply
  7. helloitsgemma says

    September 13, 2011 at 9:56 am

    sounds like such a paradise and this is the perfect time of year to be wandering around in your swim suit at the top of a huge slide!
    I thought you were queen of the slides? was I wrong?

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      September 13, 2011 at 7:03 pm

      Whatever gave you that idea?????

      Your son clearly remembers me as slide lady!

      Reply
  8. Mummy's Little Monkey (@Jax2000) says

    September 13, 2011 at 11:51 am

    Was planning to comment, but I’m laughing too hard at the thought of Sarah’s hubby’s balls being pushed up into his body, and M.A.R’s father’s impromptu enema. x

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      September 13, 2011 at 7:00 pm

      The comments on my posts are often far funnier than the post! 😉

      Reply
  9. richmondmummy says

    September 13, 2011 at 1:19 pm

    Ha ha ha what a picture you’ve painted! I love reading your blog, it is so entertaining. I remember once going on one of those inflatable doughnut things that get pulled along by a speedboat when on holiday in Ibiza, I flew off it at great speed and ended up with my bikini bottoms so far up my a**e that I thought they were going to come out of my mouth! Not pleasant. Never again.

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      September 13, 2011 at 6:57 pm

      Hehehe,

      However be happy you can still wear a bikini! Those days are long gone for me….

      Reply
  10. MmeLindor says

    September 13, 2011 at 4:42 pm

    Great blog post.

    You are much braver than I.

    Reply
  11. Love In The Nest says

    September 13, 2011 at 6:19 pm

    Hahaha this is fabulous! Fantastic blog post & how brave of you 🙂

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      September 13, 2011 at 7:14 pm

      Why thanks x

      Reply
  12. Bod for tea says

    September 13, 2011 at 7:51 pm

    Tee hee had to have a good chortle at your expense reading this one! At least you’re one cool mutha now in the little’s eyes 😀

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      September 13, 2011 at 9:41 pm

      Oh yeah baby!

      Reply
  13. Lorraine from The Party Times says

    September 13, 2011 at 8:42 pm

    made me laugh!! Have so been there!

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      September 13, 2011 at 9:41 pm

      X

      Reply
  14. teawithonesugar says

    September 14, 2011 at 8:40 pm

    You are always impressing your kids, marathon, sports day, water slide etc…no stopping you from getting that gold medal! xoxoxo

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      September 14, 2011 at 9:10 pm

      Hear hear x

      Reply
  15. MummyMummyMum says

    September 15, 2011 at 7:44 am

    Ha ha, love it! You are a braver woman than me! x

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      September 15, 2011 at 12:07 pm

      or more stupid…..

      Reply
  16. NotMyYearOff says

    September 17, 2011 at 11:22 am

    Hate when swim suits ride up like that! Still… Better than a DIY enema!

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      September 17, 2011 at 1:57 pm

      Exactly!

      Reply
  17. sarsm says

    September 21, 2011 at 3:47 pm

    My lot persuaded me ONCE to take a trip on the one with the rubber ring. ONCE. Never again.

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      September 21, 2011 at 7:41 pm

      hehehehe! i like the ring ones! ya big wuss!

      Reply

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