Lost: one sex drive
I have looked everywhere, under the bed, in the fridge, even in the garage and no success. I did manage to find a mouldy tomato, a long ago forgotten set of pyjamas and my collection of Bros Records but my sex drive remains hidden from view.
To be honest it has been broken up in bits for a while and I have been losing parts of it on and off for years but it seems that unfortunately I have lost it in its entirety.
I lost half of it when the twins were born in the delivery suite just after he who helped create them popped down the business end for a quick squint; but to be honest with having two babies around it didn’t seem too much of a trauma functioning with only a fifty percent libido. It would have been far more traumatic to have loaded the babies into the car, fold up the double buggy, return to the hospital, unfold the double buggy, stop for a feed, then find the right delivery suite and hunt around on the floor looking for it whilst some poor woman lay on the bed above me trying to birth a baby without adequate pain relief.
But a zero percent drive? I am not sure I am prepared to live with that, and I am pretty sure he who helped create them won’t be over impressed either.
So the hunt continues, twin boy suggested I retrace my steps but if I am honest I did misplace it a while ago but I haven’t been over fussed about finding it in the summer holidays, it would have just added something else to my to do list. I thought I had found it about a fortnight ago but it turns out that was just a bottle of wine mixed up with an old Christian Slater movie..
I think it may be in the pocket of one of my pairs of size twelve jeans because god only knows I haven’t had a reason to see those in a while. Maybe it is hiding away with a two penny piece and a stick of gum refusing to come out and play until my backside shrinks enough to squeeze back inside the trousers.
But should I be wrong and it has wondered off completely please do me a favour and keep an eye out for it. It is getting quite urgent as we are going away for he who helped create them’s birthday this weekend and he expects me to pack it, I really don’t want to be the one to tell him I’ve lost it. He finds my ability to lose all things a tad frustrating to say the least. He went mad when he caught me in jeggings once and I had to confess that I had lost my dress sense, and he went ballistic after my last smear when I came home and told him I had left my dignity in the waiting room and I shouldn’t mention the argument we had after I lost my patience after a session in soft play on a saturday and I don’t see this new admittance going down any better…
Any help? Anyone?