“not there lad”: why a southerner should not drink in the north

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A couple of years ago we had been out in t’north. We don’t go out in the south often because once we have covered the babysitting cost we only have enough left for a cup of tea each and we normally have tea bags and water at home so it seems a bit pointless. But when staying in my parental home we tend to go out a fair bit as grandparents make excellent free childcare providers.

But because we don’t go out much myself and he who helped create them have become what it technically known as “lightweights”.

One glass of wine and I think my humour could rival any of the comedic greats; two glasses of wine and I am a comedic great, three glasses of wine and I am asleep face down in my dinner.

He who helped create them normally does better publically but still he doesn’t have the same staying power he had BC*.

But sometimes we both like to pretend we have still got the ability to party; and it was on such an evening that this story begins.

We had been out with my family and their friends. We had a severe disadvantage as living in the south means we just don’t have access to as much alcohol. I have known northerners who have poured tenants on their frosties and chased it down with a glass of vodka fused milk.

So we went out, we tried to keep pace, I faltered first and fell asleep in my chair with my wine in hand. He who helped create them bravely stepped up to the mark. Although southern by birth he showed the true grit of a northerner by consuming all that was slid down the bar to him. Hours later he was not the clearest linguistically but still he managed to put both himself and me to bed.

A couple of hours later I woke up with a head as sore as a teething bairns backside and a thirst strong enough to rival a blood deprived vampires. As I tried to lift my abused body from the bed I realised he who helped create them was also rising and watched as he silently planted two feet on the ground and left the bedroom.

I heard him pad towards the bathroom as sleep started to call me back to its lair. Then suddenly all my senses were rudely awoken by a booming northern voice calling…

“Nah, not there lad.”

Leaping out of bed, hangover momentarily forgotten, I managed to retrieve the father of my children from my own mother and farthers room which he had mistakenly identified as the bathroom and was just about to make a rather catastrophic error by using their bed as a toilet.

Dressing him as we hurriedly left the room I put him back on his correct journey and then he returned to bed, sat down, lifted up his feet, pulled up the duvet, laid down and began emitting tiny gentle snores.

He had slept through his adventure and had to be reminded the next day.

Needless to say we also don’t go out much in the north now either…

*BC: before children

35 thoughts on ““not there lad”: why a southerner should not drink in the north”

  1. Hahahahaha this is what happens when I take people home t’yorkshire from t’south too… good to know it’s not just my southerners who are softies!!

  2. love it!
    I had to retrieve my husband (before kids & before we were married) from my lodgers bedroom (on more than one occasion) as he was about to pee in her bin!
    A few more sessions and you will be back up there with your fellow Northerners!
    x

  3. Fabulous!!! As I don’t drink I can’t comment on the effects of alcohol and hangovers, but my brother almost did the same thing many, many years ago. He was about 18 at the time and peed in my mum’s linen basket, lifting the lid first. He’s never been allowed to forget that!

    CJ xx

  8. My mum once ran to the loo, absolutely bursting, sat down relieved, let it go…suddenly felt warm, heard the sound of liquid on lino…she’d forgotten to lift the loo seat.

  10. I’m not as good as I used to be with drink for the same reason and my hubby has done a silly thing whilst drunk too. I think the best was when he was in the bathroom trying to go to the toilet, he lost his balance and fell in the bath which my hubby hadn’t emptied earlier, full of freezing cold water!

  14. I love you both – hilarious! Is it bad that I know someone who actually did a wee on his mother-in-law’s head after making the same mistake and stumbling into their bedroom instead of the bathroom in a drunken stupor? Needless to say I don’t see much of him anymore. I think he’s been put off drinking for quite a long time. x

  17. you share this story and then wonder why he is getting on your nerves by being cheery in the morning – clearly he has to get his revenge somewhere.
    Tell him as a Southern in the North I can never go out, therefore, I need a Northerner to help me and although I am in a town full of them – none of them are free anytime soon – the point of this is …… come to the NORTH for the week and hang out with me….. tell him I need him to drive you Norff – ps. what is a bairns???

  18. You made me LOL like mad with this post! I remember my (northern) Nana telling me a story about my Grandad being found weeing in a drawer in their bedroom after a particularly heavy night on the John Smiths down’t club. What is it with men and their sense of direction when drunk??

  19. Hilarious!!

    Right after I married my second husband, we emigrated to Germany. As in, 5 days later. The kids remained behind with their dad until we found a flat here. In the meantime we lodged with my new mother-in-law.

    One evening my husband, brother-in-law and I went to an open air festival. I was so wrecked after a few drinks I managed to fall over the fork on a fork lift truck. I had to be carried back to the house as I could no longer walk. My MIL did not seem too impressed!!

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