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Northern Mum

Crossfitting, pancreas acting, single mum to three

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“not there lad”: why a southerner should not drink in the north

A couple of years ago we had been out in t’north. We don’t go out in the south often because once we have covered the babysitting cost we only have enough left for a cup of tea each and we normally have tea bags and water at home so it seems a bit pointless. But when staying in my parental home we tend to go out a fair bit as grandparents make excellent free childcare providers.

But because we don’t go out much myself and he who helped create them have become what it technically known as “lightweights”.

One glass of wine and I think my humour could rival any of the comedic greats; two glasses of wine and I am a comedic great, three glasses of wine and I am asleep face down in my dinner.

He who helped create them normally does better publically but still he doesn’t have the same staying power he had BC*.

But sometimes we both like to pretend we have still got the ability to party; and it was on such an evening that this story begins.

We had been out with my family and their friends. We had a severe disadvantage as living in the south means we just don’t have access to as much alcohol. I have known northerners who have poured tenants on their frosties and chased it down with a glass of vodka fused milk.

So we went out, we tried to keep pace, I faltered first and fell asleep in my chair with my wine in hand. He who helped create them bravely stepped up to the mark. Although southern by birth he showed the true grit of a northerner by consuming all that was slid down the bar to him. Hours later he was not the clearest linguistically but still he managed to put both himself and me to bed.

A couple of hours later I woke up with a head as sore as a teething bairns backside and a thirst strong enough to rival a blood deprived vampires. As I tried to lift my abused body from the bed I realised he who helped create them was also rising and watched as he silently planted two feet on the ground and left the bedroom.

I heard him pad towards the bathroom as sleep started to call me back to its lair. Then suddenly all my senses were rudely awoken by a booming northern voice calling…

“Nah, not there lad.”

Leaping out of bed, hangover momentarily forgotten, I managed to retrieve the father of my children from my own mother and farthers room which he had mistakenly identified as the bathroom and was just about to make a rather catastrophic error by using their bed as a toilet.

Dressing him as we hurriedly left the room I put him back on his correct journey and then he returned to bed, sat down, lifted up his feet, pulled up the duvet, laid down and began emitting tiny gentle snores.

He had slept through his adventure and had to be reminded the next day.

Needless to say we also don’t go out much in the north now either…

*BC: before children

Comments

  1. Alice says

    June 27, 2011 at 1:06 pm

    Hahahahaha this is what happens when I take people home t’yorkshire from t’south too… good to know it’s not just my southerners who are softies!!

    Reply
  2. HELEN JESSUP says

    June 27, 2011 at 1:21 pm

    love it!
    I had to retrieve my husband (before kids & before we were married) from my lodgers bedroom (on more than one occasion) as he was about to pee in her bin!
    A few more sessions and you will be back up there with your fellow Northerners!
    x

    Reply
  3. Crystal Jigsaw says

    June 27, 2011 at 4:11 pm

    Fabulous!!! As I don’t drink I can’t comment on the effects of alcohol and hangovers, but my brother almost did the same thing many, many years ago. He was about 18 at the time and peed in my mum’s linen basket, lifting the lid first. He’s never been allowed to forget that!

    CJ xx

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      June 27, 2011 at 4:34 pm

      We don’t seem to ever hear female equivilant stories…

      Reply
  4. mummymummymum says

    June 27, 2011 at 4:11 pm

    apparently my father in law once did a wee in the corner of my husbands room when he was a baby! Must be a bloke thing! x

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      June 27, 2011 at 4:32 pm

      Men equal charmers!

      Reply
  5. Muddling Along says

    June 27, 2011 at 4:20 pm

    Oh no – tea over laptop!

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      June 27, 2011 at 4:32 pm

      Ha! Fab x

      Reply
  6. PoorParenting says

    June 27, 2011 at 5:18 pm

    Oh Jane. Thismade me laugh so hard I nearly weed*

    *not in the in laws’ bed though…

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      June 27, 2011 at 5:45 pm

      Nothing wrong with a bit of belly laughing wee x

      Reply
  7. Geeky Mummy says

    June 27, 2011 at 5:43 pm

    When growing up my brothers would frequently try and use wardrobes and the stairs as a bathroom in the night. the perils of sleepwalking.

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      June 27, 2011 at 5:46 pm

      Again though its always the chaps us ladies are so refined

      Reply
  8. Knackered Mother says

    June 27, 2011 at 6:51 pm

    My mum once ran to the loo, absolutely bursting, sat down relieved, let it go…suddenly felt warm, heard the sound of liquid on lino…she’d forgotten to lift the loo seat.

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      June 27, 2011 at 7:37 pm

      Finally a ladies tale….

      and ewwwwwwwww

      Reply
  9. butwhymummywhy says

    June 27, 2011 at 9:04 pm

    Fantastic, this really made me giggle!

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      June 27, 2011 at 9:18 pm

      Thanks 🙂

      Reply
  10. Kizzy says

    June 28, 2011 at 5:43 am

    I’m not as good as I used to be with drink for the same reason and my hubby has done a silly thing whilst drunk too. I think the best was when he was in the bathroom trying to go to the toilet, he lost his balance and fell in the bath which my hubby hadn’t emptied earlier, full of freezing cold water!

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      June 28, 2011 at 4:05 pm

      Ouch!

      Reply
  11. I'm So Fancy says

    June 28, 2011 at 11:52 am

    HIlarious! You know, you might consider a glass of wine with dinner at home. Just to lay a foundation!

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      June 28, 2011 at 4:04 pm

      Ha! Great idea 🙂

      Reply
  12. Lucy@who_loves_me_ says

    June 29, 2011 at 7:29 am

    Brilliantly written, really made me chuckle!

    Reply
  13. Circus Queen says

    June 29, 2011 at 10:42 am

    Good grief this made me giggle. I’m sure it’s brought your husband and parents closer together…

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      June 29, 2011 at 11:47 am

      or made them put a lock on their door?

      Reply
  14. mothersalwaysright says

    June 30, 2011 at 9:11 pm

    I love you both – hilarious! Is it bad that I know someone who actually did a wee on his mother-in-law’s head after making the same mistake and stumbling into their bedroom instead of the bathroom in a drunken stupor? Needless to say I don’t see much of him anymore. I think he’s been put off drinking for quite a long time. x

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      June 30, 2011 at 9:46 pm

      That is fabulous! And I love that it is you telling the story x

      Reply
  15. Mañana Mama says

    June 30, 2011 at 9:35 pm

    Wonderful. No better way to bond with the in-laws than by pissing all over them. Works wonders every time.

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      June 30, 2011 at 9:46 pm

      Simply lol!

      Reply
  16. PoorParenting says

    July 1, 2011 at 10:33 pm

    Missing your posts. I hope all is well xxx

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      July 2, 2011 at 7:40 am

      Been swallowed whole by work! 🙂

      Reply
  17. helloitsgemma says

    July 3, 2011 at 8:38 pm

    you share this story and then wonder why he is getting on your nerves by being cheery in the morning – clearly he has to get his revenge somewhere.
    Tell him as a Southern in the North I can never go out, therefore, I need a Northerner to help me and although I am in a town full of them – none of them are free anytime soon – the point of this is …… come to the NORTH for the week and hang out with me….. tell him I need him to drive you Norff – ps. what is a bairns???

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      July 3, 2011 at 8:52 pm

      A bairns is a baby! for the love of god woman, you are wasted in the north….

      I will come soon I promise x

      Reply
  18. Miss Hemmings says

    July 17, 2011 at 8:47 am

    You made me LOL like mad with this post! I remember my (northern) Nana telling me a story about my Grandad being found weeing in a drawer in their bedroom after a particularly heavy night on the John Smiths down’t club. What is it with men and their sense of direction when drunk??

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      July 17, 2011 at 7:08 pm

      Fab – I love to make people lol, thanks for visiting x

      Reply
  19. sarsm says

    July 25, 2011 at 9:30 pm

    Hilarious!!

    Right after I married my second husband, we emigrated to Germany. As in, 5 days later. The kids remained behind with their dad until we found a flat here. In the meantime we lodged with my new mother-in-law.

    One evening my husband, brother-in-law and I went to an open air festival. I was so wrecked after a few drinks I managed to fall over the fork on a fork lift truck. I had to be carried back to the house as I could no longer walk. My MIL did not seem too impressed!!

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      July 25, 2011 at 9:33 pm

      what a way to leave an impression!!!!!
      x

      Reply

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