nervous wreck with leaky eyes

by

I am not a tea and tissues type of gal. I tend to crack on with life dealing with whatever pops up in my path and try and find the funny side of most things. When the dog leaves a present on the floor I over dramatise for the kids and make a joke out of it whilst mentally imagining how she would look as a string of sausages. When the kids drive me to the point of insanity I merely utter every curse word I know under my breath whilst smiling gaily. I am sure
the neighbours refer to me as the grinning mad mutterer.

But jaysus it’s flipping hard to remain positive and look for the funny in life when you are slowly turning into a nervous wreck with leaking eyes.

Do you know, four weeks ago I didn’t really know what epilepsy was; three weeks ago I didn’t know what tonic clonic epilepsy was and until yesterday I had no idea what cluster seizures were.

And yet now not a day passes without me finding out something new about this scary condition.

My rational brain tells me things could be so much worse; I know families who have had really poorly children. But my rational mind runs away at breakneck speed when my tiny baby rolls her eyes, starts to jerk and turns a shade of blue Mr Frosty would be proud off.

My rational brain also goes hitch hiking every time I google epilepsy and I read the worrying tales of worse case scenarios. My eyes start to water as if someone has began to peel a million onions and my usual healthy sarcastic nature buggers off with the fairies! I also know not to read the stuff on the web but hey who takes their own advice

So I am tiring of this new word that seems to frequent my vocabulary, and I am weary of holding my breath whilst libby-sue suffers another seizure. I want more than anything (as all parents do) for her to not have to suffer any pain and for her never to see the interior of a hospital again.

But yet I suffer with copers disorder. I don’t want the world to see how scared I am and I want my children to be led by a strong confident northern mummy. And I come from a family re known for being pillars of strength who can cope with all the shite that is thrown at us on the crazy rollercoaster life.

So this nasty fearful condition will slot into my family life, I refuse to hide away from it. I will deal with it as my older children do dismissing it as ‘just another fit’. (Whilst watching her like a hawk of course)

And of course I will spoil BB absolutely rotten in the mean time.

The funny is coming back tomorrow!

24 thoughts on “nervous wreck with leaky eyes”

  1. Aww missis, its ok to admit to being frightened and worried and anxious sometimes you know? Life isnt always about the funny, we love your blog and you and your lovely little family through the hard aswell as the funny.
    I find myself thinking of you alot these days and hoping BB is suffering less fits.
    DO NOT GO ON THE BLOODY INTERNET FOR MEDICAL STUFF!
    Those WORST CASE scenarios will NOT happen and most are just to scare monger.
    Lean on he who helped create them when you feel this way, as well as your twit buds, we are all here to listen.
    Huge great big squishy northern hugs.
    You are an amazing woman you know that? and BB will be alright as long as you are there with her, which you always will be xx
    Lexy xxxx

  3. Your attitude throughout this has been inspiring. Everyone is allowed to have moments when they don’t want to face the world. Especially when they’ve been dealing with what you have.
    Big love to you. Xx

  4. You can’t keep it all in all the time 🙂 Thank you for sharing this. You really are an inspiration to the rest of us that turn into mental jelly after just a one hour temper tantram. Thank you for putting it into perspective.

    M
    x

  7. Don’t know what to say other than I am thinking of you. seems to me you are doing a great job, I too would research and want to know more, also agree re being careful of what you read, it may not apply. no other job is as hard as being a parent.

  8. *hug* it’s good to cry, let’s it all out and then you can carry on again, hope everything works out for you and the little one

  9. I’ve been following your updates. Really sorry to hear of the rough time you’re having with BB. I witnessed the geekdaughter having a febrile convulsion and recognise your description of how scary it is to watch your child having a fit.

    Hang on in there. I hope the medical profession continue taking good care of BB, and something can be done to control or manage the seizures.

  11. Hullo,
    I don’t know much about epilepsy per se, but I do know how to search and interpret medical research, which I have access to via work. If you wanted to restrict your internet research to the non-anecdotal, and get some cold, hard facts, I’d be happy to help out. For example, the wikipedia page for epilepsy cites a review that determined that vitamins don’t help – I had a quick look at the research out of curiosity and I think it’s a trustworthy, believable study.

    Let me know, anyway, either if you come across something obtusely scientific that you need help to decode, or if you want me to look for research related to some particular keywords (‘epilepsy’ on its own returns a quarter of a million hits, so a bit of specificity would help…)

    All the best to you all.

  12. It’s not something I know much about either. Sorry you’re having to go through this. And it’s OK to be a bit of a wreck sometimes – I know I would be if I was in your place. Sending hugs to you all xx

  13. I also couldn’t get off the internet initially but I will say this, now I know the worst and we’re accustomed to what we’re dealing with, I can cope quite well knowing that there’s nothing else I’m going to be finding out! And if we’re not dealing with the worst right now, then that’s my silver lining.

    Hugs that you’re having to go through this at all though xx

  14. Oh hun, leak away, we’re all hear to listen and mop those tears! You can’t make an omelette without breaking a few eggs and you can’t move on without oiling the wheels my friend always says. I’m afraid I know nothing of any use to you so just sending a (hug) instead and lots of lovely webby positivity xx

  15. I can’t imagine what it must be like right now for you… I would say please don’t google too much though. It’s too easy to look at worse case scenarios on the web. I had my mum down as needing an immediate kidney transplant within five minutes of googling a condition that she has now lived with (without any problem) for over 5 years…

    Emma

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