I thought I was safe, the clouds had been angry for days and the heavens had been weeping upon us all night.
“Oh kids” I sighed in fake despair “I know I said if you were good we would go to the funfair but the rain is pouring”
“Awwwwwww” I heard in disappointed union “but we have done everything good” mourned twin girl.
I smiled inwardly “I know” I murmured sympathetically grinning at my evil plan.
Then would you believe it, a huge crack of sunlight started to push away the clouds right before my sodding eyes.
Elated the twins jumped for joy and despite my protests I suddenly found myself stood in a muddy field, surrounded by shifty looking teenagers, inhaling smoke filled air and listening to Mr Vain at full volume.
In front of me stood “Speedchaser”, built in approximately 1832 its faded sign promised me thrills and chills for the grand sum of one pound fifty.
Twin boy seized his fathers hand and dragged him onto the death trap. I smirked and then twin girl slapped my smile away with the words “we are next mummy”.
A toothless, ale smelling man dressed in a Sergio Tacchini shell suit took my money and showed me to my seat. I crammed my size 16 arse onto a wooden plank and twin girl squeezed in beside me. I reached for a seatbelt and found myself grasping empty air.
Then it began….
Slowly at first we cruised forward, then the rickety old carriage stopped and fell backwards sliding past the entrance blind on its journey.
Engine failure. My heart froze in my mouth.
Then a sudden rush of power and we spluttered into action and I almost wet my pants with fear. Wind rushed through my hair as we tilted on one side and twin girl slid into me with ferocity. We survived the first bend then fell into a dip, if I had balls they would have been up near my ears. My knuckles turned white as I saw tracks nailed together, water squirting near the electrics and the toothless old man laughing at my terror. The ride continued to twist and turn showing no mercy as my hair turned to grey.
“Awesome” screamed twin girl as vomit threatened to flood my mouth.
In my minds eye I saw the carriage splitting in two, the track crumbling from old age and my daughter flying from her unsecured seat.
I prayed to the holy father (whose existence I have never been completely convinced off) to forgive my sins and to give us a family pass into Heaven. When I had finished praying I mentally counted my clubcard vouchers as a back up to see if we could convert them into a family pass for heaven, we had originally been saving for a Merlin pass but owing to my current situation I was happy to trade than for eternal life.
It. Was. Hell.
We approached the start which was also the end and my heart began to slow with relief, tears of joy filled my eyes as I saw my family as survivors.
It didn’t stop.
We flew past the toothless old man who smelt like ale who was dressed in a Sergio Tacchini shell suit and started the descent into hell again.
I experienced it all again; balls by ears, near death experiences for us and pure white knuckle fear…
The bastard thing did nine circuits of the track.
I was shaking when I was finally granted my freedom; knowing how a prisoner must feel when they are released from jail.
I am officially too old for fairs…