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A near death experience… : My descent into Hell

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I thought I was safe, the clouds had been angry for days and the heavens had been weeping upon us all night.

“Oh kids” I sighed in fake despair “I know I said if you were good we would go to the funfair but the rain is pouring”

“Awwwwwww” I heard in disappointed union “but we have done everything good” mourned twin girl.

I smiled inwardly “I know” I murmured sympathetically grinning at my evil plan.

Then would you believe it, a huge crack of sunlight started to push away the clouds right before my sodding eyes.

Elated the twins jumped for joy and despite my protests I suddenly found myself stood in a muddy field, surrounded by shifty looking teenagers, inhaling smoke filled air and listening to Mr Vain at full volume.

In front of me stood “Speedchaser”, built in approximately 1832 its faded sign promised me thrills and chills for the grand sum of one pound fifty.

Twin boy seized his fathers hand and dragged him onto the death trap.  I smirked and then twin girl slapped my smile away with the words “we are next mummy”.

A toothless, ale smelling man dressed in a Sergio Tacchini shell suit took my money and showed me to my seat.  I crammed my size 16 arse onto a wooden plank and twin girl squeezed in beside me.  I reached for a seatbelt and found myself grasping empty air.

Then it began….

Slowly at first we cruised forward, then the rickety old carriage stopped and fell backwards sliding past the entrance blind on its journey.

Engine failure.   My heart froze in my mouth.

Then a sudden rush of power and we spluttered into action and I almost wet my pants with fear.  Wind rushed through my hair as we tilted on one side and twin girl slid into me with ferocity.  We survived the first bend then fell into a dip, if I had balls they would have been up near my ears.  My knuckles turned white as I saw tracks nailed together, water squirting near the electrics and the toothless old man laughing at my terror.  The ride continued to twist and turn showing no mercy as my hair turned to grey.

“Awesome” screamed twin girl as vomit threatened to flood my mouth.

In my minds eye I saw the carriage splitting in two, the track crumbling from old age and my daughter flying from her unsecured seat.

I prayed to the holy father (whose existence I have never been completely convinced off) to forgive my sins and to give us a family pass into Heaven. When I had finished praying I mentally counted my clubcard vouchers as a back up to see if we could convert them into a family pass for heaven, we had originally been saving for a Merlin pass but owing to my current situation I was happy to trade than for eternal life.

It. Was. Hell.

We approached the start which was also the end and my heart began to slow with relief, tears of joy filled my eyes as I saw my family as survivors.

It didn’t stop.

We flew past the toothless old man who smelt like ale who was dressed in a Sergio Tacchini shell suit and started the descent into hell again.

I experienced it all again; balls by ears, near death experiences for us and pure white knuckle fear…

The bastard thing did nine circuits of the track.

I was shaking when I was finally granted my freedom; knowing how a prisoner must feel when they are released from jail.

I am officially too old for fairs…

53 thoughts on “A near death experience… : My descent into Hell”

  1. Brilliant – absolutely brilliant! I love rides at theme parks but fairs are way scarier. They are so makeshift!!

  2. I read this gritting my teeth; I used to LOVE the fair but the last few years I have stood imagining my children flung off, all their limbs mixed up with metal parts. It takes every ounce of mummy happy smiles to get round them and I am always praying with gratitude when we leave intact. Must definately be an age thing!

  3. Hilarious! I remember going on a ride on a day trip to Butlins with my mum once. It was one of those swing ones, that go round and round and round. She was sobbing – as I remember if the ride had to be stopped early so she could get off!

  4. I am still shaking from reading that! I shudder at the thought of the rides I used to go on, whenever some dodgy fair came into town. Now I dread my daughter wanting to go on them, either with or without me. I am officially too old for fairs too!!

  5. 9! Nine?!
    You brave, brave soul. Did they give you a medal?
    I avoid all such things where possible, but there are times when we just have to step up, take that little hand and try to hide the fear. It is hell.
    On the other hand, you may need a wee glass of something every time you think of it …

    • thanks and they are god awful – I like hook a duck – but 3 quid? 3 quid to hook a fecking duck

  8. I actually feel sick and dizzy reading this post….I HATE fun fair rides….I am off for a little sit down.

  9. I’m with you there lady, although I’m not sure when my thrill at such rides left me forever and it is very sad. Blackpool pleasure beach only shows it’s tacky side these days, despite my love of it as a teenager!
    PS, I am loving that your emails still come to me from “itchy.whittle” 😉

  10. I used to absolutely love funfairs when I was younger. No ride was too scary, too high or too extreme. Now – not so much. I went on a ride recently (forced to) and I honestly thought I had died on the way down and it was all over. I survived.

  11. Hehe, I used to love running around all the rides at Alton towers. Now I’m quite happy to just walk around admiring the fake swans!

  13. My standard mantra is , when any mention of fairgrounds, theme parks etc is
    “People die on those.”
    My children learnt it off by heart. So did their father. When a tragic story appears on the news – as it often does – I simply point and say , “See?.”

    As I stated in my post about deathscalaters, I like my feet on terra firma!

  15. hee hee this made me laugh so much I totally felt your pain! My sis and I passed a fairground after a night out with our family and stopped to take a walk around. dressed up to the nines we got on a waltzer and had a similar experience. The guy spun and spun and spun us to the point where I was pinned against my sister, head banging off the metal rails and didn’t know if I was upside down or not. Apparently all you could hear were our screams every time we came back round and a small crowd had gathered to watch and laugh! lol! I too am now far too old for fairground rides! I had a bump on my head and felt sick and dizzy for the rest of the night… hubby had no sympathy!

  16. I understand your fear. I know your pain. And I can only offer the knowledge that one day soon those fearless young’uns will be old enough to do it on their own. Not sure which is worse though.

  17. Gah – technology – I thought I had commented, but alas it didn’t work!

    My mantra is that people die on these things! Tragically stories on the news confirm my theories all too often! My role in days out such as the one above is chief bag holder, It’s true. I am a bag lady. Also when their father takes my PRECIOUS OFFSPRING onto these death traps _ I have to walk away and hold the bags elsewhere. The constant rolling of my stomach in fear is too much!

  18. You’ve just dislodged the grape I’d swallowed. Your only comfort is that you’re a far better mother than I could ever be. I got overcome on the carousel in the last fair I went to and now refuse to go on anything.

  19. Glad it’s not just me. I bloody hate any fairgrounds. I was once reluctantly dragged onto the Big One at Blackpool by boyfriend I was keen to impress at the time and I seriously would rather have got off and walked down the steps than go over the top and face certain death! No amount of peer/child/man in shell suit pressure shall persuade me to succumb again. Terra firma for me.

    • I dont mind the big one – mainly because it doesnt look like it was cobbled together by a drunk////

      the grand national though?!?!?!?

  20. Lordy, I hate fun fairs…anything that can be assembled in a day and pack up and be gone overnight, escaping lawsuits and locals with bats cannot be trusted. ours has a heinous ride called the brain scrambler or the lobotomies or something and my kids LOVE it.. Aack.

  22. such a brilliant post. I am dreading the day that my kids request I take them to the fair, just as my mum did with me and my sister. We’d make them ride the Walzer time after time – loving every minute and not to mention the mickey mouse rollercoaster on the top of an amusement arcade in Littlehampton! As I’ve got older I’ve got ‘the fear’.

  23. Oh my gosh, i do love a funfair, but Zach who is 5 desperately wanted to go on the fun house ride where everything moves as you try and got to the slide….he then mid-struggle with the ride, had is finger nail tore off from the nail bed (leaving the top half!)… Needless to say we avoid these now with a barge-pole! We stick to the dodgems where ‘no-rules’ exist and the risk of breaking a rib is at its largest!!

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