I’ve been thinking about this body fat thing lately.
Quite a lot as it stands.
Because in my head, I really want to be a size 10-12, yet my body stays firmly a 14. I have lost about a stone since Christmas, but seem unwillingly to actually commit to anymore. My inbox screams at me daily with newsletters I have signed up to about nutrition, weight loss, shredding, ya da, ya da, ya da.
If I ate what I read I would be tiny.
But here is the thing.
I’m not miserable, nor do I look at myself in disgust, because I think I am getting to the point in my life where my weight doesn’t quite dominate my emotions.
I was looking back at photos in the week and saw one when quite frankly, I was skinny.
I am rarely skinny so it stood out.
It was three years ago, I was in a size 10 top and size 8-10 jeans. I remember the moment I slipped them on and the euphoria that accompanied them.
Skinny putting up a tent…….
Finally I was there! Because nothing tastes as good as being slim.
So they say.
Three years ago, my husband had recently left me and I cried myself to sleep almost every night. I worried myself sick about money, saw a a future that ended with me and 14 cats eating at my remains. In my skinny state, I spoke to doctors about antidepressants, questioned my ability to parent and was a state.
But Christ I looked good in skin-tight frock.
Since then, I have used food and wine as a crutch to get me through the bad days.
I have gained weight, I have lost weight.
I use weight as my goal.
When I am slim I will *insert your own*.
But recently it occurred to me.
Feck that shit.
My weight no longer defines me or makes me who I am.
I will always be Jane, slightly stressed, sometimes hovering on a bit of depression, mainly daft, normally smiling, always up for a night out with friends.
This body is my only one and I intend on treating it well, but like the kids I am not afraid to spoil it from time to time.
Ask me if I should eat that, and I will probably have two.
Tell me I would be happier skinny and I will talk to you about the dark times when I only got out of bed to drive the kids to school.
I may lose weight, I may gain weight, I will probably share both experiences.
I have wasted too many sentences starting with ‘when I am slim I will….’
If I lose weight it is because I want to be able to do cardio workouts without dying on my arse, rather than conform to a size dream.
I am going to do everything and anything I want – my jean size does not dictate my happy radar.
Feel better for just writing that down!
Me – with body fat, and my best friend – who likes me for me rather than my jean size!
Wow. I honestly think I was 21 the last time I fitted in a pair of size 10 jeans (never size 8, it’s these hips you know…). But I do often think, what’s the point in being slim if you’re not happy? And personally I know that being on a diet would not make me happy. So yes I’m a stone or so heavier than I’d like to be *ideally*, but I don’t really care THAT much. Only when I’m sitting down and I think all of that stone is in my belly. Anyhow, enough about me, I know that you are super fit and have achieved much, and I do hope you’re happy 🙂
Thanks Steph x x
I soo get this Jane. After having the twins I NEVER lost my belly. On a bad day I look 6 months pregnant – a 6 month twin pregnancy! Over the past year I have put on weight that just won’t go away, my clothes no longer fit me and it depresses me. It’s time I stopped hanging on to my pre 50 body and embraced my new one because, like you say, it’s been damn good to me so far.
Love you for writing this x
Mrs you are gorgeous x
Thank you for sharing this. I too have had a lifelong battle with the scales. I got on the scales last night and after a weekend of indulgence, discovered I’d gained 6lbs. I kicked the scales away in disgust and then sobbed. I’m DISGUSTING…I’m HIDEOUS, I thought. No man will EVER LOVE ME.
Later, I wondered where I’d learned this stuff? So yes, I do need to lose 2 stone, just for health reasons if nothing else, but since when did having extra flab make me a bad, disgusting person? I wish I knew where I’d absorbed these terrible ideas so that I could unpick them. Thank you for your honesty and I’m glad you’re starting the journey toward a balanced attitude.
Ach it is so daft, I often feel the same, why should anyone date me, because I have a few extra pounds that clearly masks my stunning personality.
Is so silly…
Healthy yes, but the obsession with the scales has to go.
I am not at this stage yet. I piled on a lot of weight when I hit college and have never been able to lose the weight so live my adulthood as a fuller woman.
Since Christmas I have been going to the gym but my job often takes a lot of time and I often make excuses so I haven’t lost a lot of weight. I’m not calorie counting but I do eat salads for lunch and I have halved my food portions.
I don’t think I’ve lost much weight because I’m not disciplined and I will have what ever I want when I eat out and I like to have a G&T or 2. But, I’m not happy with the way I look and not comfortable yet.
I am getting there, I wore a pair of shorts the other day which is a massive step for me.
I applaud your mind set and the troubles you’ve overcome, you bring light to the people who are also struggling.
I struggle with this as well, including the bit about making plans for when I am slim. Still not at peace with it, but getting there. Thanks for sharing.