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Northern Mum

Crossfitting, pancreas acting, single mum to three

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I have body fat. And?

I’ve been thinking about this body fat thing lately.

Quite a lot as it stands.

Because in my head, I really want to be a size 10-12, yet my body stays firmly a 14.  I have lost about a stone since Christmas, but seem unwillingly to actually commit to anymore.  My inbox screams at me daily with newsletters I have signed up to about nutrition, weight loss, shredding, ya da, ya da, ya da.

If I ate what I read I would be tiny.

But here is the thing.

I’m not miserable, nor do I look at myself in disgust, because I think I am getting to the point in my life where my weight doesn’t quite dominate my emotions.

I was looking back at photos in the week and saw one when quite frankly, I was skinny.

I am rarely skinny so it stood out.

It was three years ago, I was in a size 10 top and size 8-10 jeans.  I remember the moment I slipped them on and the euphoria that accompanied them.

Skinny putting up a tent…….

Finally I was there!  Because nothing tastes as good as being slim.

So they say.

Three years ago, my husband had recently left me and I cried myself to sleep almost every night.  I worried myself sick about money, saw a a future that ended with me and 14 cats eating at my remains.  In my skinny state, I spoke to doctors about antidepressants, questioned my ability to parent and was a state.

But Christ I looked good in skin-tight frock.

Since then, I have used food and wine as a crutch to get me through the bad days.

I have gained weight, I have lost weight.

I use weight as my goal.

When I am slim I will *insert your own*.

But recently it occurred to me.

Feck that shit.

My weight no longer defines me or makes me who I am.

I will always be Jane, slightly stressed, sometimes hovering on a bit of depression, mainly daft, normally smiling, always up for a night out with friends.

This body is my only one and I intend on treating it well, but like the kids I am not afraid to spoil it from time to time.

Ask me if I should eat that, and I will probably have two.

Tell me I would be happier skinny and I will talk to you about the dark times when I only got out of bed to drive the kids to school.

I may lose weight, I may gain weight, I will probably share both experiences.

I have wasted too many sentences starting with ‘when I am slim I will….’

If I lose weight it is because I want to be able to do cardio workouts without dying on my arse, rather than conform to a size dream.

I am going to do everything and anything I want – my jean size does not dictate my happy radar.

Feel better for just writing that down!

Me – with body fat, and my best friend – who likes me for me rather than my jean size!

Comments

  1. Steph Curtis says

    July 17, 2017 at 11:04 pm

    Wow. I honestly think I was 21 the last time I fitted in a pair of size 10 jeans (never size 8, it’s these hips you know…). But I do often think, what’s the point in being slim if you’re not happy? And personally I know that being on a diet would not make me happy. So yes I’m a stone or so heavier than I’d like to be *ideally*, but I don’t really care THAT much. Only when I’m sitting down and I think all of that stone is in my belly. Anyhow, enough about me, I know that you are super fit and have achieved much, and I do hope you’re happy 🙂

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      July 18, 2017 at 9:10 am

      Thanks Steph x x

      Reply
  2. Mari says

    July 18, 2017 at 6:33 am

    I soo get this Jane. After having the twins I NEVER lost my belly. On a bad day I look 6 months pregnant – a 6 month twin pregnancy! Over the past year I have put on weight that just won’t go away, my clothes no longer fit me and it depresses me. It’s time I stopped hanging on to my pre 50 body and embraced my new one because, like you say, it’s been damn good to me so far.
    Love you for writing this x

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      July 18, 2017 at 9:10 am

      Mrs you are gorgeous x

      Reply
  3. Grace says

    July 18, 2017 at 8:55 am

    Thank you for sharing this. I too have had a lifelong battle with the scales. I got on the scales last night and after a weekend of indulgence, discovered I’d gained 6lbs. I kicked the scales away in disgust and then sobbed. I’m DISGUSTING…I’m HIDEOUS, I thought. No man will EVER LOVE ME.

    Later, I wondered where I’d learned this stuff? So yes, I do need to lose 2 stone, just for health reasons if nothing else, but since when did having extra flab make me a bad, disgusting person? I wish I knew where I’d absorbed these terrible ideas so that I could unpick them. Thank you for your honesty and I’m glad you’re starting the journey toward a balanced attitude.

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      July 18, 2017 at 9:10 am

      Ach it is so daft, I often feel the same, why should anyone date me, because I have a few extra pounds that clearly masks my stunning personality.
      Is so silly…
      Healthy yes, but the obsession with the scales has to go.

      Reply
  4. Helen says

    July 27, 2017 at 5:07 pm

    I am not at this stage yet. I piled on a lot of weight when I hit college and have never been able to lose the weight so live my adulthood as a fuller woman.

    Since Christmas I have been going to the gym but my job often takes a lot of time and I often make excuses so I haven’t lost a lot of weight. I’m not calorie counting but I do eat salads for lunch and I have halved my food portions.

    I don’t think I’ve lost much weight because I’m not disciplined and I will have what ever I want when I eat out and I like to have a G&T or 2. But, I’m not happy with the way I look and not comfortable yet.

    I am getting there, I wore a pair of shorts the other day which is a massive step for me.

    I applaud your mind set and the troubles you’ve overcome, you bring light to the people who are also struggling.

    Reply
  5. Caroline says

    September 28, 2017 at 9:07 pm

    I struggle with this as well, including the bit about making plans for when I am slim. Still not at peace with it, but getting there. Thanks for sharing.

    Reply

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Jane is a working Mum of three and has great hair. One of these things may not be true.

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