I swore I wouldn’t be like this….

Remember when you were a kid and you swore to never turn into your parents.

I do.

I remember sitting on my bed, planning how I would raise my children without committing whatever parental crime my folks had just done to me.

I was going to be an ace parent.  The type whose kids would always be smiling and asking for apples over sweets and would never forget their manners, or belch in public.

Image courtsey of Shutterstock

I can’t pinpoint exactly when this masterplan failed to kick into action, but I can pretty much conclude that the metaphorohis into my parents is pretty muchness complete.  Plus my kids scorn the fruit bowl, think manners are optional and they can belch the alphabet at dinner.

As they failed to be cartoon images of happy kids, I failed to be a reasonable, normal parent.

For example…

My son asked me the time yesterday.   Rather than checking my phone and giving him the answer I merely yelled.

“Time you got a move on.”

How frigging annoying is that.

Then he really pushed it by repeating the question because he had a simple desire to actually know the time, so I, maturely, ignored him again and yelled..

“Time to do your teeth and hair.”

My inner child who was going to be an ace parent was disgusted.

My other favourite gem, is to answer most questions with the golden buzzer parental come back.

“Because I said so.”

Yup, that phrase is key in all leading parenting guides, leadership books, and empowerment essays.

  “Mum can I have a friend round”

  “No.”

  “why”

  “Because I said so.”

Imagine the same conversation with a  adult.

  “Jane, can I have a cup of tea.”

  “No.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I said so.”

To be honest I’d probably respond with a swift ‘feck off’.

But hey, I can  say it to the kids.

I have a list of dumbass things I’ve said to the kids since they joined the family….

If you feel you have not yet completed the metamorphosis into your parents,  and want to speed it up; feel free to steal a few.

“Your face will stay like that if the wind changes.”

(Blatant stupid lie)

“Are your legs broken?”

(Clearly not, we’d be in A&E)

“If you keep crying about nothing ill give you something to cry about.”

(Oh yes, make the kids think you are the terminator – nice move mum.)

“Watching TV will give your square eyes…”

(Ever seen anyone with square eyes – even a kid knows that is horseshit)

“Telling lies will give you a blue tongue.”

(Clearly not true either, as no parent has a blue tongue and we spend most of our kids younger lives telling them porkies about a bloke in a red suit and a fairy who collects children’s teeth.)

“Wait till I get you home.”

(Where’s the threat – they can go to their luscious toy kitted out room, play x-box, go on the trampoline.)

But yet I use them all, daily in some cases….

I know when they grow up they plan on not being like me.  And like my parents, I will spare them the painful truth that it is simply inevitable….

Anyone got any to add?