To have had a conversation about bladder control, arse modeling and general body bruising before 9am is quite an achievement, even for me, yet it is slowly becoming the norm.
To say life of late has been a steep learning curve would be an understatement. Since I first signed up to Crossfit I have had quite an education, one that was quite unexpected.
No day is typical, no session repetitive. And no conversation pre or post workout is particularly normal, which means it is right up my street.
The world of Crossfit is slowly engulfing me, I go to sleep thinking about the workout of the day and find myself doing airsquats when queuing up to pay at Tesco much to the horror of the checkout lady. I have gone from a general hatred of lycra to wearing it out and about most days, even the school run has been exposed to my lily white legs wrapped in black sweaty shorts.
And I have learnt a lot….
I would love to tell you that I have learnt to pull my own body weight up on a bar, or I would love to tell you that I have discovered a physique that comes equipped with abs, but alas….
All I can tell you is that I have learnt to speak Crossfit, which makes me as proud as a Trekkie who has finally mastered Klingon.
Someone says burpees, and I tense my knees, drop to the floor, spread my legs, and jump back up again. Then I clapping my hands whilst furiously gripping my pelvic floor hoping no accident occurs. If someone says 50 burpees, then I swear like a solider before dashing for a Tena lady.
Clean and press – I have cracked this one. The first time it was mentioned I looked around for some Pledge to spray and flowers to press, mistaking the box (gym) for a W1 session. Imagine how silly I looked when everyone else started thrusting bars upwards with their thighs and raising them above their heads. In retrospect, cleaning and pressing petals may well have been easier.
The first time I was asked to do these, I misheard and thought we were doing double udders. My fear was we were going to have to do something with a cow that would involve milking. I was worried for the cow, I was worried for me.
Terms out double unders is passing a skipping rope twice under your legs in one skip.
Milking a cow would be easier.
It just sounds rude. Every time thrusters are mentioned my inner child sniggers, until I have done about ten, then my inner child grows old, tired and is begging to go to bed early.
A thruster is where you ‘thrust’, *snigger*, the bar up into the air. The aim is to look strong and powerful. I look sweaty, and can only do them if I belt out a sex noise at the same time.
Thrust and grunt, thrust and grunt….
Ironically, despite all the innuendo, not my sexiest move.
Grace, perhaps the most deceptive of all Crossfit workouts. The name Grace means blessing (I know this because Google told me, and Google never lies).
In Crossfit, Grace isn’t even a blessing in disguise. In fact it is a blessing that has gone bad and is now simply a curse….
30 reps of clean and jerk…..
Sorry, you don’t know what clean and jerk is? Well, if I thought clean and press was dusting and petal pressing, I am sure you can only imagine what entered my little head when someone wrote clean and jerk up on the board. I nearly left the very male filled box there and then until someone kindly explained it was another phrase for getting the bar off the floor and above my head….
So you can see, there is a whole other language, a lingo to learn as well as moves to master. And once you do master the speak you find you can stay with the conversation past bladder control without looking dim. It is also nice to be able to add more than recommendations for Tena lady and Vaseline to the conversation.
Oh, and one last thing…..
If, when at Crossfit, someone asks to see your Snatch, don’t thump and run, grab a bar and catch it. If anyone asks in any other environment, definitely thump and run…..