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Northern Mum

Crossfitting, pancreas acting, single mum to three

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What he really said was….

It all boils down to communication, or lack of it  as it would seem in our case.  Although I have spoken to numerous girlfriends and it seems to be a common problem across all relationships that involve two people of a different gender.

Our husbands, partners, boyfriends, lovers, simply do not understand the language we speak.

Now I understand my husband perfectly.  I am fluent in his own unique way of combining words.  When he asks ‘what is there for tea?’, I translate it immediately into ‘what are you cooking for tea?’.

When he flies into the bedroom, with his ear tips pink with rage asking where the screwdriver is, I clearly hear the words…

“What the hell did you do with my tools, stop touching my stuff, stop it, stop it….

…And tell me where the hell it is.”

When I respond to his true words with a simple disclaimer that I have never seen said screwdriver and perhaps he should look where he last had it.  I fully realise the grunt he utters is his way of telling me to feck right off.

When the screwdriver turns up later in a place that only he could have placed it I know the silence that follows really means sorry.

Well I think it does, I am better at interpreting words over silence.

But him? And most other menfolk I encounter are simply terrible at comprehending us women.

I buy a new dress, stand for hours in the store – twisting side to side seeing if it suits.  I fall in love with said frock, and I adopt it, bring it home, give it shelter in my wardrobe.  When it is ready, I take it out to show it off, I ask the other half how it looks.  Any other women would hear the blatant desperation in my question and the real question which is…

“I look good, don’t I?”.

Another woman would take time to compliment in her response, adorn with praise about how desirable the dress is.

A husband?

He translates the question into Swahili and simply hears,

“I have a new dress, do you want to ask me what it cost?”

And quickly he replies back,

“Is it new? How much was it?”

The dress is insulted, I realise I should have taken it out with my friends first, they don’t care about the price tag.

He always misses the meaning…

I say, “the dishwasher has finished.”

He simply agrees.

I say, “the washing is dry on the line.”

He comments on what a great day for laundry it has been.

When I ask why the dishwasher is still full and the clothes are now hard enough to suit the tinman, he replies “you didn’t ask me to do it, I thought you were making conversation.”

Conversation is usually marginally better in our house.

And of course, when I say, ‘I’m tired, I am going to have an early night.”

He starts to beam and translates, “I could not be hornier right now, please quickly strip to undies, leap into bed and start groping at my ladies lumps.”

Is it misunderstanding – or just hopefulness?

 

It is the last few days in which you can vote for your favourite in the 2014 Mad Blog Awards,

If you would like my blog to win either Best Writer or Most Entertaining then…

Please click the link and select ‘northernmum’ in either (or both) of those categories.

Thanks

xxxx

Comments

  1. Grenglish says

    April 22, 2014 at 5:35 pm

    Ah, one and the same. I could have written this, although not nearly as well obvs x

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      April 24, 2014 at 9:59 pm

      aw shucks thanks

      Reply
  2. Middle-Aged Matron says

    April 23, 2014 at 8:21 am

    What a brilliantly observed and written piece. Wish I’d authored it! The Vicar went off for a week to Paris yesterday. ‘I hope my bag isn’t too heavy,’ he said that dawn in bed. And with intuition worthy of you I knew he was saying can you give me a lift to the station in your nightie before getting the kids up. So I did.

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      April 24, 2014 at 10:00 pm

      You are fluent!

      Reply
  3. Emma says

    April 23, 2014 at 12:21 pm

    Ha ha, personally I think they misunderstand on purpose, especially the early night thing!

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      April 24, 2014 at 10:00 pm

      Totally!

      Reply
  4. Becky says

    April 23, 2014 at 12:27 pm

    Ah men…continually they confuse me

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      April 24, 2014 at 10:00 pm

      they do it on purpose

      Reply
  5. Liz Burton says

    April 23, 2014 at 12:29 pm

    Haha! Spot. On.

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      April 24, 2014 at 10:01 pm

      Thanks x

      Reply
  6. Lauranne says

    April 23, 2014 at 12:39 pm

    And yet it was always me that got the blame for not been clear enough?!!

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      April 24, 2014 at 10:01 pm

      they are clever like that

      Reply
  7. Chris at Thinly Spread says

    April 23, 2014 at 1:32 pm

    *snorting and nodding wildly*

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      April 24, 2014 at 10:01 pm

      *beams*

      Reply
  8. Mary Keynko says

    April 23, 2014 at 2:54 pm

    Whilst Badger was away for the weekend I completely sorted and re decorated our bedroom – when he got back he asked if I could get a laundry basket for our room rather than the bathroom, because he didn’t want to litter the floor with socks! I nearly fell over – yesterday he made the bed when he got up – seriously after 25 years together this is the 1st time ever he has done it! I’m worried now about what he’s done or broken to result in this behaviour!

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      April 24, 2014 at 10:02 pm

      If you get flowers then question heavily!

      Reply
  9. otilia says

    April 23, 2014 at 4:29 pm

    oh lovely how right you are. absolutely love the way you write so i am going to vote for you 🙂

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      April 24, 2014 at 10:02 pm

      why thank you very much x

      Reply
  10. Michelle Twin Mum says

    April 23, 2014 at 6:12 pm

    Funny, how we understand them so well but they just cannot seem to get it right for us! Mich x

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      April 24, 2014 at 10:02 pm

      Simple folk really x

      Reply
  11. maggy, red ted art says

    April 23, 2014 at 6:33 pm

    Yep! Totally confuse me too!

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      April 24, 2014 at 10:03 pm

      silly beggars

      Reply
  12. Kirsty says

    April 23, 2014 at 6:58 pm

    Brilliant! Another one in our house is “I’m going out tonight” which he seems to interpret as “I’d like to go out but I promise I will only go if I have made your dinner, put the child to bed, tidied up and made you a cup of tea”. Numpty!

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      April 24, 2014 at 10:03 pm

      Ha!

      Reply
  13. Penny A Residence says

    April 23, 2014 at 7:05 pm

    Yes, yes. What is for tea? or more recently ‘Do you have any thoughts on what we might have for tea?’

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      April 24, 2014 at 10:03 pm

      That old chesnut!

      Reply
  14. HPMcQ says

    April 23, 2014 at 8:54 pm

    i love it when they say yeah yeah then give it half hour and they ask you back the same question? brilliant just brilliant

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      April 24, 2014 at 10:04 pm

      xx

      Reply
  15. Mrs C says

    April 23, 2014 at 9:07 pm

    As ever you’re completely spot on. My husband’s most common phrase is “of course I was listening when you asked me to do that, but I just didn’t hear the question”. I’ve started sending him emails instead!

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      April 24, 2014 at 10:04 pm

      oooh wise!

      Reply
  16. Wendy at Tots says

    May 6, 2014 at 7:29 am

    It’s that old chestnut Mars and Venus again isn’t it?

    Reply

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Jane is a working Mum of three and has great hair. One of these things may not be true.

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