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Northern Mum

Crossfitting, pancreas acting, single mum to three

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Eight years since a fear free fumble

It is the twins birthday this week, they are turning eight.  For most of the week I will be patting myself on the back and toasting myself for managing to parent (without badly maiming) two children for eight years.

But also I see the eight year marker as a time for reflection…

I could be typical and tearful and tell you that the years have melted past and it seems like a mere blink ago that I was holding two tiny newborns in the crook of each arm. But, it was twin boy’s birthday party last Sunday and that in itself lasted for at least three days, so I fear I would be fibbing to say that time has flown, when memories of potty training forever, days of dance exams and elongated sweaty swimming lessons still haunt my dreams and linger in my reality.

I cannot believe that it has been eight years since I last sneezed without having to crush my pelvic muscles tightly in an attempt to stop a bit of liquid falling out.  It has been eight years since a lie in was a weekend thing  with newspapers and coffee, rather than being something you hanker after with a yearning so strong it could be described as pure desperation.

twins
And, it has been eight years since I last had sex without a lingering feeling of fear.

Any parent will agree, once the kids rock up, dump their bags and take up residence at your house, it is impossible to have any hanky panky without being plagued by worry.

It starts when they are babies, the fear of an impromptu yelp of passion being the cause of waking the babies is a severe dampener on the mood.  Multiple orgasms don’t even come close to the feeling of five hours straight sleep when you have a little one in the house.

Making ‘boom boom’ when the bairns turn into mobile creatures creates a whole new fear sensation.   Spontaneity all but disappears once you have children and all action is confined to the bedroom.  Before having a family, I recall christening every room in the house as a fun filled festivity.  Now the thought of rumpy on the kitchen table is rapidly killed by the remnants of play doh in the cracks and the image of the twins eating their toast in the morning.  Same goes for having a swifty in the shower or a quickie on the couch, once the kids have been there, you no longer want to play hide the sausage anywhere near.

Even in the privacy of your own room, with the door squeezed tight and a pillow against the bottom of the wood to muffle the sounds of squeaking bed frames, the fear still festers.

What if they hear the sounds of loving in action?

What if the noise of nookie disturbs them?

And oh sweet Jesus, What if they walk in to find Daddy treating Mummy to a round of bedtime Olympics and the pair of us approaching a sprint finish….

The fear of scaring the children for life by the sight of middle aged parental humping is too much to bear.

It has been eight years since I had a fear free fumble.  In fact, it is only thanks to an all night babysitting offer that our youngest even managed to be conceived.

Eight years on limited sleep, with very little loving time, and a fair few accidents caused by sneezing.

It has been the time of my life.

Happy birthday kids  – please don’t ever read this!

twins 2 headline

Comments

  1. Wallymummy says

    January 20, 2014 at 7:18 pm

    LOL! I love it 😉 My plan is to have lots of weekends away… (never gonna happen) until they’re 18 and bugger off to uni… #fullproof

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      January 20, 2014 at 7:27 pm

      good idea xx

      Reply
  2. Katie says

    January 20, 2014 at 7:51 pm

    Happy birthday to your twins!

    Until your last line i was thinking – crikey i hope they don’t ever read this! Or worse one of their friends does and passes copies round the class 😉

    Reply
  3. Molly says

    January 20, 2014 at 8:38 pm

    I do love you. And yes, you are so right.

    Reply
  4. LauraCYMFT says

    January 21, 2014 at 10:17 am

    You need a bedroom lock and just to practise being really quiet when you reach the finish line. LOL. Your posts do make me laugh. I had to practise my pelvic floors whilst reading this.

    Reply
  5. Coombemill says

    January 21, 2014 at 10:57 am

    One of the huge benefits of us both working from home and all six being school age 🙂

    Reply
  6. lauranne says

    January 21, 2014 at 1:58 pm

    Being newly single without kids at least your post has made me see the silver lining to the situation. Although I will not be having sex for the foreseeable future so suddenly not such a silver lining!

    Reply
  7. Sarah (@tamingtwins) says

    January 21, 2014 at 4:09 pm

    Oh heck. Mine are only 2 and not quite in danger of breaking out of their cot to break into our room yet. I hadn’t even considered this. THIS is what I have to look forward to?! Arrrggg. I’m off for a bonk, quick.

    Reply
  8. Boo Roo and Tigger Too says

    January 21, 2014 at 4:57 pm

    Still giggling at ‘hide the sausage’, hopefully there will come a day when you feel safe to re-christen every room.

    Reply
  9. Looking for blue sky says

    January 21, 2014 at 7:33 pm

    I knew there was a good reason for insisting on regular bedtimes 🙂

    Reply
  10. Stephs Two Girls says

    January 22, 2014 at 10:38 pm

    I’m willing to bet that nearly every Mum has subconsciously done her pelvic floor exercises (well OK, maybe once or twice, half heartedly) whilst reading this. I’m so with you on the fear factor – at least it’s a better excuse that ‘I’ve got a headache’ 😉

    Reply
  11. older mum in a muddle says

    January 23, 2014 at 5:52 pm

    LOL’s…. I hear you loud and clear, it kind of all goes out the window when they arrive, never quite the same as it was before. X

    Reply
  12. Michelle Twin Mum says

    January 23, 2014 at 9:11 pm

    I love that last line! I dread to think about one day when the kids read the blogs, well more yours than mine of course! Mich x

    Reply
  13. Emma says

    January 24, 2014 at 6:54 pm

    We are so NOT Middle Aged 🙂

    Reply
  14. Helloitsgemma says

    January 26, 2014 at 4:41 pm

    Had to stop reading. Not sure where the over sharing was going.

    Reply
  15. Chris at Thinly Spread says

    January 30, 2014 at 11:34 am

    Nodding ruefully and… just wait until you have a gaggle of teenagers in the house 😀

    Reply

Trackbacks

  1. Fresh Five Week 40 | Tots 100 says:
    January 24, 2014 at 9:01 am

    […] feeling flat? We better pull out the big guns then. Stock up on Tena Lady and then read Northern Mum’s ode to her twins on their eighth birthday. It’s not what you’re expecting. Possibly not one to read […]

    Reply

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