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Northern Mum

Crossfitting, pancreas acting, single mum to three

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Dear Natalie Cassidy,

Dear Natalie Cassidy,

I did your exercise DVD last night, yes I know, finally after nearly 18 months of not shifting my backside and consuming extreme amounts of chocolate, pasta and bread I decided that enough was enough and I had to try and shift the weight that seems to have gathered around my middle and my arse.

I didn’t own your DVD beforehand, I actually went out and bought it, I headed to HMV as I thought since they were going up the proverbial creek without a paddle I would be able to get a cheap and cheerful workout DVD but it would seem somebody has stepped in and helped HMV out of the crap and administration is no more.  Curious that didn’t hit the headlines in quite the same fashion.

So Natalie, the direct consequence of HMV now sailing downstream with all paddles working is because you were priced at a reasonable £7.99 you got the pleasure of being my new gym buddy.

Whilst I was out preparing to get fit I also popped into the local M&S and picked up some new Lycra bottoms.  I have plenty of old ones but my new size means the camel toe is simply unbearable, even to wear in my own home, in front of my own TV.  I didn’t want you to feel you had to avert your eyes from my front bottom; I bought new Lycra for you Natalie.

By the way Natalie, I did all of this shopping with three children in tow because it is the Easter Holidays.  After three hours in town picking up one DVD, one pair of leggings, visiting three different public toilets, chasing one child through Boots and preventing another from getting a criminal record for shoplifting, it took all my self-restraint to not dive into a bottle of gin when I got home.  But instead I pulled on my Lycra which fit like a very large glove, and slipped you into the DVD player.

Now Natalie, I don’t have a huge amount of time in my life, I work most evenings, have three kids in the day, two of which need a bit more than average care, I have a husband who thinks I should put out most evenings and I write a parenting blog so am eternally caught up in sagas in the social world that any Dallas watcher would envy.

My point Natalie?

I had to do your DVD whilst the kids were awake.

In my head I had an image of the four of us stretching and jogging in the lounge in a harmonious fashion, all giggling together when we got a step wrong, and doing high fives when we completed some tricky stomach crunches.

Natalie, my head is sometimes a very misleading place.

I put your DVD on and within seconds my son was tearing about the place screeching ‘how many stones you going to lose mum, she lost three y’know and you are bigger than she was’.  My youngest toddler copied him in earnest and before you had even finished explaining how it all works my son had bounced off one wall, careered into his sister and her nose was bleeding madly and swelling up like Violet the blueberry in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

I am sorry Natalie, but I had to put you on pause whilst I sorted the broken child, had a little shout at the other child and cleaned blood out of my new fat lass Lycra.

Ten minutes later, with the lad playing in his room, the little one watching TV in the kitchen, myself and my eldest girl, she is seven by the way, were ready to go, again.

So we pressed play.  Now first things first, you look fab on the DVD, credit where credit is due.  The top if I am honest, whilst making your bosom look simply awesome may not be the most appropriate for a work out but it did make my other half stop and drool for five minutes when he came home.  I have issues with your makeup, who wears eyeliner to do squats?  Quite frankly I started the DVD looking like a bag of shite and finished it looking like a bag of shite that had been dragged through a sewer.  Maybe next time you could do a quick cleanse and tone beforehand so I can feel better about myself?

Anyway I digress, the DVD commenced and off we went.  My daughter and I squatted, lunged, boxed and one of us sobbed a little.  I know you have a training partner in the video who seems lovely, but let me tell you Natalie, you ain’t ever done a workout unless you have done it with a seven year old girl by your side.

Every time I missed a step she snorted, when we went into side step, jump, bunny hop, turn, she let out a howl of laughter that startled the hamster and cried ‘keep going mum, that belly wobble needs to go.’   She took a break for a while to help me try and get it right and sat on the sofa commenting helpfully.

“Don’t stop big mumma.”

“C’mon Mum, you arms flap when you do that.”

“You look like you are going to explode mum, why not do it naked?”

These are an example of her motivating commentary Natalie, I can tell you she doesn’t mince her words.

Also to reassure you, I refused her kind offer to do it naked, as warm as I was I live in a small village and I didn’t want to offend the neighbours.

In the last section of the work out, you know the one where you tried to make me do a press up.  Well that is when my other half came home and was memorised by your cleavage.  I thought he would be chuffed Natalie, to see me finally up off my jacksy battling the bulge, but do you know what he did? He stepped in the room, gazed at the TV, gagged a little and wiped away the drool, then disappeared, returned with a deodorant can and sprayed it like air freshener around my workout zone.

Have you ever tried doing the bench with Dove Natural clogging your lungs Natalie? It takes the whole experience from being excruciatingly painful to being close to death.  I challenge you to control your breathing with a mouth full of aerosol and a seven year old stood in front of you yelling ‘hold it, HOLD IT!’

It wasn’t easy Natalie, but I survived to the end, a little sweatier than when I began but at least a pound lighter.  I even left you in the DVD player with the full intention of doing you again this morning at 6am, but when I got up to go for my middle of the night wee the lightning strikes of pain that ricocheted up my thighs convinced me to forgo seeing you so soon and I stayed in bed with a cuppa instead.

So thanks for the experience and wish me luck on the whole stopping being fat thing.  I did forget to tell you one thing, when I finished the work out, my seven year old mini Hitler embraced my smelly body in a bear hug and told me she was fabulously proud of me and that I would be running marathons again in no time.

It seems she may be ok at motivational speaking after all.

Have a good day and thanks for the fitness,

Jane

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Comments

  1. Trish - Mum's Gone to says

    April 12, 2013 at 2:50 pm

    *Fat lass Lycra* Priceless. Thanks for the afternoon chuckle, Jane.

    Reply
  2. Aly says

    April 12, 2013 at 3:41 pm

    Oh I love funny Jane.This is so much the resemblance of me doing the Wii dance mat last year.I should of blogged about it.

    Reply
  3. Helloitsgemma says

    April 12, 2013 at 3:55 pm

    Do I get to see you in the Lycra doing the woke out. I could vote at the end in the style of Darcy Bussell? I met Natalie Cassidy she opened a bottle of cava for me. I liked her.

    Reply
  4. Grenglish says

    April 12, 2013 at 3:58 pm

    Funniest thing I have ever read! Brilliant x

    Reply
  5. Stacey from Fives A Fellowship says

    April 12, 2013 at 4:06 pm

    I admit I howled with laughter at the fat lass Lycra bit. Reminded me of when I was cleaning the floor and my three year old said, “Mummy, why do your armpits flap?”

    Reply
  6. Actually Mummy... says

    April 12, 2013 at 4:12 pm

    Awesome. I may write my own letter to Jillian Michaels after this 😉

    Reply
  7. Helen Neale says

    April 12, 2013 at 4:18 pm

    This is PRECISELY why I have never bought an exercise DVD in my life, I did do the Wii Fit once, and well – I am not sure my daughter stopped laughing for a week…!

    Reply
  8. Mrs Teapot says

    April 12, 2013 at 4:45 pm

    This has just made me cry with laughter as I read. Absolutely hilarious account – reminds me very much of my many failed exercise DVD attempts, minus the seven year old motivator! It seems like such a good idea at the time doesn’t it?!

    Reply
  9. Agnieszka Jarecka-Griffiths says

    April 12, 2013 at 5:03 pm

    Lol, that sounds enjoyable… 😉

    Reply
  10. Cass@frugalfamily says

    April 12, 2013 at 5:21 pm

    Love this – I even made my OH read it 😉

    Reply
  11. Suzanne says

    April 12, 2013 at 6:11 pm

    Ha ha! I love this! Was it actually any good, the DVD? I didn’t even know that HMV were up and running again – where’ve I been?!

    Reply
  12. Donna @ Little Lilypad Co says

    April 12, 2013 at 6:29 pm

    Brilliant! This inspires me and scares me in equal measures. I may not do any kind of exercise in front of my 7yo …… she may share her observations with my ex husband 🙂

    Reply
  13. Jenny @ The Brick Castle says

    April 12, 2013 at 8:32 pm

    That’s hilarious…..you paint a great picture 😀
    Best of luck with the fitness regime!

    Reply
  14. Donna@MummyCentral says

    April 12, 2013 at 9:13 pm

    *Rolls on floor laughing*

    Reply
  15. michelle twin mum says

    April 12, 2013 at 10:39 pm

    Good girl, keep with it Jane. I want to see the skinny you at the MADs.

    Mich x

    Reply
  16. Liska says

    April 12, 2013 at 10:57 pm

    this is the funniest thing I have read in a looooong time x

    Reply
  17. Otilia says

    April 13, 2013 at 2:51 am

    Oh hon! Lovely post! And yes: why do they look so glam in their videos?!? Argh!
    Good luck!

    Reply
  18. eehbahmum says

    April 13, 2013 at 5:20 am

    Reading this was a brilliant start to the day. I have just spat tea all over my laptop. Thank You.

    Reply
  19. rhian @melbs says

    April 13, 2013 at 7:24 am

    Ahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa that is all. X

    Reply
  20. Mummy Glitzer says

    April 13, 2013 at 7:46 am

    This is the single, most funny post I have read for a long time!

    Reply
  21. Caroline says

    April 13, 2013 at 4:55 pm

    Ha! Bloody loved this. A reet cracker.

    Reply
  22. older mum in a muddle says

    April 13, 2013 at 5:07 pm

    Oh God – that was excruciatingly funny, can I barrow your daughter to motivate me as well – ha ha ha. My three year old is already telling me I have a wobbly tummy! X.

    Reply
  23. Danielle Askins says

    April 13, 2013 at 5:41 pm

    This had me in stitches! x

    Reply
  24. Stacey Guilliatt says

    April 13, 2013 at 7:56 pm

    Love this post!

    (Have you ever tried working out with Jillian Michaels by the way?!)

    Reply
  25. Lorraine from The Party Times says

    April 15, 2013 at 9:10 am

    ha ha – great post – really made me laugh – can relate to so much of this!!

    Reply
  26. Zoe says

    April 17, 2013 at 1:37 pm

    So funny xxx

    Reply
  27. Richmond Mummy says

    April 18, 2013 at 10:52 pm

    Sorry but this had me roaring with laughter – it’s the way you tell ’em!
    Good luck with it though 🙂 xx

    Reply
  28. Helen Baldwin - Newborn Baby Photographer says

    April 19, 2013 at 1:42 pm

    You’ve just cheered up my day. Thank you for posting this. It really made me laugh. I’ve tried to do yoga with my 6 yr old around and found it just as funny. Good luck with getting fit!

    Reply
  29. Carly says

    April 19, 2013 at 4:15 pm

    Ha ha, I tried a fitness DVD the other day (Josie from big brother i think?!) it was ok, i did wait until the kids were out, but i didn’t factor in the 2 dogs, whilst on hands and knees, they were jumping on my back, crawling through my arms!

    Reply
  30. Louise says

    April 20, 2013 at 4:50 pm

    I hear ya. I must have had a mini stroke just before I bought four (count ’em) Jillian Micheals-off-Biggest-Loser DVDs the other week. I had to ban the kids from the room for the whole 20 minutes and while I’m definitely leaner, it’s been a week since I did it and my knees still complain every time I sit down for a wee.

    Maybe I’ll upsize my bikini for a one-piece & be done with it

    Reply
  31. amummysview says

    April 21, 2013 at 12:09 pm

    Another fab post from you 🙂 I’ve nominated you for the Super Sweet Blogger Award because frankly you are a Super Sweet Blogger and your blog makes me smile! http://amummysview.com/2013/04/21/super-sweet-blogger-award/

    Reply
  32. Steph (@imcountingufoz) says

    April 21, 2013 at 12:27 pm

    I LOVE this post. So funny x

    Reply
  33. Becky says

    April 21, 2013 at 1:25 pm

    Fabulous! Well done you for going for it …I need to join you and I do have that DVD somowhere

    Reply
  34. Amanda says

    April 24, 2013 at 5:23 am

    This is so funny. I’ve just chortled and snorted on the tube, much to the amusement of those around me. So funny is this, I want to pass my phone round and let them have a read. Just brilliant.

    Reply
  35. Lauranne says

    July 28, 2013 at 4:40 pm

    A brilliant post that had me laughing out loud – in fact I was laughing so hard it has woken my dog, who has now decided he wants to play and I am writing this with a soggy squeaking pineapple being randomly dropped on the keyboard! On the positive at least the pain means it did some good, perhaps you could start loaning out your eldest as a personal trainer!

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      August 7, 2013 at 10:04 pm

      Do you think I could charge?

      Reply

Trackbacks

  1. Friends, even though. | Helloitsgemma says:
    April 15, 2013 at 5:13 pm

    […] particularly combined with tweeting whilst walking in the dark. Stiff muscles from doing a ‘30 minute shred’ make it very difficult to get up from a star fish ground position after slipping on a muddy […]

    Reply
  2. Something For The Weekend | dorkymum says:
    May 24, 2013 at 3:56 pm

    […] ‘I know you have a training partner in the video who seems lovely, but let me tell you Natalie, you ain’t ever done a workout unless you have done it with a seven year old girl by your side.’ – Jane from Northern Mum chose Dear Natalie Cassidy […]

    Reply

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