I loved my NCT classes I really did and I don’t regret a penny I spent on them but still in retrospect I think they glossed over some of the parts of motherhood creating a more idealised view, just thought it was worth sharing a couple of things that the NCT never told me.
Breastfeeding can make you thin was the advice my lovely natural leader told me, turns out that doesn’t apply if you spend all day feeding and eating cake; if you do this for two and a half years you will simply be a biffa.
Epidural will give you a high that you will spend months of your life looking for in other ‘legal’ forms .
A C-section can save your ladies bits splitting but no amount of tummy crunches will hide that extra ‘fold’ the knife leaves behind.
Epidural gives a false introduction to childhood, it takes away the pain that your seven-year old daughter can shovel firmly back at you when she retorts back at you with all the wit and wisdom of a sixteen year old girl
Your libido is prone to catching a piggy back on the placenta in the after birth, this should be a deterrent for future children but somehow us women manage to cope without it when going in for number two.
A contraction is like a feeling of tightening around your tummy, tightening meaning an equivalent to King Kong embracing you fiercely and snapping a couple of ribs.
Your bladder control will be knackered, regardless of how that baby makes it out; sneezing is to be avoided at all costs and you may want to ditch your highly amusing friend who can make you laugh out loud (or carry spare pairs of M&S knickers.)
Your own babies cry will be 4,000 decibels louder that anyone elses.
You could make any one elses child adhere to a routine via controlled crying but your own baby will be the exception to the rule.
Kids can still on occasion crap themselves when they are way past potty training age….
Being a mum can accelerate emotions, you don’t know a love like it but in return you discover a whole new way of yelling.
Looking at schools can dominate your life, take over your conversation and leave a dinner party bore.
Your monthly food bill with three kids is likely to be equivalent to the same cost as a mini break pre childbirth.