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Northern Mum

Crossfitting, pancreas acting, single mum to three

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Emergency, Help: The Bog Monster Got my Mum…..

It was never going to be fun.

But as the four of us, me, twin boy, twin girl and BB piled into my vintage, has its own tape deck, car I realised the extent of how unfun today’s excursion would be.

“Mummy, while BB is in the hy-dro-ther-apy pool fixing her leg is it ok for me to strip naked and bomb the phy-sio-ther-apy lady?” Questioned twin boy before my foot even hit the accelerator.

“And Mummy, if twin girl is annoying me can I shove her in so she drowns a horrible drowning in the phy-sio-ther-apy pool?” Continued twin boy.

Twin girl let out a turmoiled scream as she envisioned a watery grave and then punched her brother in the side of his arm forcing a similar noise to emit from his mouth.

I sighed wearily, we were not even at the end of the street and it was another twenty miles to the hospital for BB’s therapy session.

The journey went on as it started.  Two emergency urine stops (admittedly one was me) and a terrifying brush with fear when the petrol light came on with no garage in sight and the breakdown membership ran out yesterday.  No one wants to be stranded on oxfordshire lane with my kids and no petrol to escape.

By the time we arrived at hospital my nerves were shot, my knuckles sprained white and everyone had all their Christmas gifts removed from them with the promise that when we got home I was shoving them back up the chimney.

We parked the car.

Once inside the quiet hospital lobby I issued the ‘behaviour code’, assuming the correct parental stance of bending down to eye level and speaking through forced gritted teeth with peeled back white lips.

Thou will not talk, Thou will not fight, Thou will not embarrass me, Thou will not argue, Thou will not conduct science experiments with your own saliva….

It went on for a while, during which twin boy perfected the art of eye rolling and twin girl learnt to yawn with her mouth closed.

My strict instructions went in one ear, rattled round a pair of moshi monster addled brains and then floated out back into the world of the NHS.

I was exhausted from talking and my bladder began to complain again.

“Before we go to the pool, I need a quick wee.”. I declared.

“Mum,” cried twin girl, “you have the bladder of a diabetic with no insulin who has eaten a bag of sugar.”

I couldn’t argue, my bladder is pretty shameful.

We all crammed into the loo, twin boy stayed by the sink, BB joined me in a cubicle and twin girl took advantage of the moment ‘to have a try.’

No sooner than my arse hit porcelain did I hear a ringing in my ears.

BB stood innocently hanging off a red piece of string, her eyes wide with the expression of ‘it wasn’t me mum.’

“Shit, shit.” I yanked up my drawers, “where’s the reset?”

Outside the cubicle door, I heard twin boy start to screech “emergency come quick my mothers fallen in the loo.”

I found reset.

I hit reset.

The ringing stopped for a minute.  I let out a deep breath and resumed my spot on the throne.

Then it started again.

Twin boy peeked his head under the door, his grin literally splitting his face from ear to ear.

“I set it off again mum in case the bog monster got you.”

Such a thoughtful lad.

As I said, it was never going to be fun.

Comments

  1. Helloitsgemma says

    January 3, 2013 at 8:10 pm

    LOL! Properly lol!!

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      January 3, 2013 at 10:15 pm

      Tis your fault – you and your bloody tea

      Reply
  2. LauraCYMFT says

    January 3, 2013 at 9:44 pm

    OMG LOL!!! Actually snorted a bit too!

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      January 3, 2013 at 10:15 pm

      Nice image…..

      Reply
  3. Jess @ Catch A Single Thought says

    January 3, 2013 at 9:45 pm

    Oh this made me laugh!!

    Reply
    • jane says

      January 4, 2013 at 10:27 am

      Oh good x

      Reply
  4. Coombemill says

    January 3, 2013 at 9:51 pm

    Jane you should write a book or have a comedy slot on TV, Victoria Wood move over Jane Blackmore is here!

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      January 3, 2013 at 10:21 pm

      Aw thanks x x x

      Reply
  5. thisdayilove - leyla says

    January 3, 2013 at 10:01 pm

    Oh I love this post, it made me giggle so much. I hope the bog monster did not get you and you are ok

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      January 3, 2013 at 10:13 pm

      We survived! Just

      Reply
  6. The Fool says

    January 3, 2013 at 10:33 pm

    You can’t be too careful with the bog monster can you?

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      January 3, 2013 at 10:35 pm

      exactly!

      Reply
  7. Crumbs & Pegs says

    January 3, 2013 at 10:47 pm

    Hee hee. Nowhere better than public toilets for family bonding and high jinxs. Little fingers fiddling with locks normally expose my nether regions to the queue.

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      January 6, 2013 at 9:49 pm

      *sniggers*

      Reply
  8. Notmyyearoff says

    January 3, 2013 at 10:58 pm

    Hahaaa!! Did anyone come to save you?

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      January 6, 2013 at 9:49 pm

      No 🙁

      Reply
  9. Mama and more says

    January 3, 2013 at 11:10 pm

    Friggin hilarious! Are your kids for hire?

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      January 6, 2013 at 9:50 pm

      God yes!

      Reply
  10. Rhian @melbs says

    January 3, 2013 at 11:12 pm

    At least you only went in for a wee! Be thankful for small mercies. 🙂

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      January 6, 2013 at 9:50 pm

      Too true

      Reply
  11. Molly - Mother's Always Right says

    January 4, 2013 at 8:59 am

    Ah, such a thoughtful one, that boy of yours… x

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      January 6, 2013 at 9:50 pm

      angelic…..

      Reply
  12. Jazzygal says

    January 4, 2013 at 10:02 pm

    Lol! You have my sympathy but I SO love your Twin Boy… !!

    xx Jazzy

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      January 4, 2013 at 11:11 pm

      Would you like him for a holiday?

      Reply
  13. Karen Jackson-West says

    January 5, 2013 at 10:00 am

    Ha love it!!! X

    Reply
  14. Karen Jackson-West says

    January 5, 2013 at 10:01 am

    Ha love it!!! Xx

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      January 6, 2013 at 9:48 pm

      Thanks ms Jackson x

      Reply
  15. kizzy says

    January 5, 2013 at 10:17 am

    So pleased its not just my family has journeys and days out like this. He is a very thoughtful lad though making sure the bog monster didn’t get you again.

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      January 5, 2013 at 10:27 am

      All heart that one x

      Reply
  16. Becky says

    January 5, 2013 at 5:02 pm

    Twin boy is a riot!! Love this story!

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      January 6, 2013 at 9:48 pm

      He is available for hire?

      Reply
  17. older mum in a muddle says

    January 8, 2013 at 8:20 am

    That was very, very funny ……

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      January 8, 2013 at 9:19 pm

      Glad you liked x

      Reply
  18. Lauranne says

    January 11, 2013 at 1:44 pm

    I’m sorry but that is hilarious!! Thanks for a brilliant and much needed laugh! Motherhood sounds so appealing right now!

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      January 11, 2013 at 8:46 pm

      Thanks x

      Reply

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