We have all been there.
You crack open the door to the toddlers room and the smell hits you in the face. Mouldy cheese and rotting veg springs to mind and you wonder what on earth you fed that child to create such an inhuman smell.
Then you remember.
You remember with a uncomfortable jolt using the last wipe to whip round the loo seat after your six year old son missed his target again that morning.
Reality hits home.
You have a code 1 situation, the worlds worse smelling nappy and no wipes to help you.
You are going in alone, without backup.
Lifting the toddler and waking her from slumber you pin her to the wall, spreading her arms up high, fingers splayed ‘twinkle, twinkle’ style. Undoing the vest you took in the poppers in her neckline. The smell worsens and you pray for firm.
Its not firm, repeat it is not firm, its a wet one, and it is excessive.
With a hard covering around the buttocks and a sprinkling edging down the legs and up the spine you stare at the toilet seat wishing it to be covered in pee and for the last wipe to be in your hand.
The toddler giggles; this does not help.
Grabbing the loo roll you head in.
Instantly it breaks casting tiny white tissues on the floor, your hand goes straight through the paper, straight through onto bare skin, gagging you run to the sink rinsing furiously then you remember the toddler, the nappy and…
“Noooooo” you cry as the toddler starts to dance ganglam style around the bathroom spraying crap everywhere and leaving butt marks up and down the wall.
Pinning her back to the wall you wet the tissue, you know it to be a wrong move but try anyway. Moments later you are left with a stained wet hand and a hole where the tissue once was. The toddlers backside is still explosive.
Furious washing commences once more, this time using your elbow to turn the tap whilst one hand holds the child in place. Once bitten twice shy and all that.
The clock is ticking, you should have left for the school run by now, your eyes are watering from the smell and a solution seems impossible.
Desperate you reach for more loo paper and the last sheet comes away in your grip leaving a bare cardboard roll mocking your efforts.
For the love of god does no one shop in this house.
Grabbing the toddler and holding her at arms length you leg it to the kitchen, ignore the laws of basic hygiene, and you throw the baby softly onto the work surface which still holds the remnant of the tuna mayonanniase sandwich you ate for lunch; lurching for the nearest tea towel, you drench it in water and start to scrub the babies arse.
Finally the colour starts to fade, the smell to dissapate and a bright pink bottom reappears.
You give up hope on the tea towel and throw it in the outside bin and drive at break neck speed to pick up the kids from school.
You are not late – miracles do happen.
When you return home the three children walk in sniffing the air with a look of pinched horror, twin girl cries ‘Jeez it smells like Daddy’s farts in here.’ Twin boy nods in agreement holding his nose between finger and thumb walking through the hallway.
And then…..
“Mum” screams the boy “mum come quick, someone has pooed all over the bathroom walls. It is stuck fast.”
We have all been there, right?
That is so funny, and yes we have all been there. Ben has just recently started wearing big boy pants and still has the odd 1 or 2 (or lots more) poo accidents.due to the large amount of veg and fruit he eats you can imagine the state he gets in. I have now resulted in putting him in the shower to strip him off and clean him up. It’s hideous so I can well sympathie emma x
Aw thanks x
Sorry I’m laughing but you paint quite a picture. The little man pooed all over my mum when he was 2 months. She was changing his nappy, bent his legs and poo just shout out and covered her. I watched and did laugh, my mum not so amused!!
http://oddparent.blogspot.dk/
Got to love a good poo story!
Ahhhh! Nightmare. How do things so little produce so much?!?
It’s a skill…..
Nothing worse than poo under your fingernails…
Yeuch
Next time you’ll have to invite your mate round. I’ve heard she’s quite handy with a nappy and always willing to change them – sometimes even two at a time…
Oh how I remember those days. I thank goodness all mine are now potty trained and no longer have to search around for misplaced wipes!
we are so far off potty training…..
Oh I feel your pain. Which is worse though, poo or sick?!
sick!
You have to hold on to the though that one day, in the natural order of things, that will be you spraying last night’s supper round the walls while your ex toddler tries to attach you to your waterproof safety pants.
Nice!
Can you imagine there were days when there weren’t wipes? I remember my mum rinsing my brothers terry nappy IN THE LOO. I had to do it for her once. But luckily only once. I let go of the thing and the result was disastrous. 😉
I loved your suffering. Sorry. Absolutely hilarious.
I used terries for a while! with inserts…..
I love this post, made me laugh, smile and cry (all with recognition)
thanks for popping by…. x
Oh yes; No3 had craftily removed his sleeping bag during nap time last week, extracted poo and engaged in a toddler Dirty Protest just before school run. Actually, he’s gone a bit quiet *races upstairs*…
eek!
OMG that is hilarious…obviously not for you…well maybe you can laugh about it now. I remember waking in the night to C shouting for me and as I went into check her, I didn’t put the light on. I asked her what was wrong and she said I’ve got sticky fingers. I was dreading putting on the light to find snot or blood all over from a nose bleed but no…it was worse. She had poo all over her hands and all over her face and in her hair and up her back and God it was awful. Straight in the shower for her!
Oh My God!
that is sooo funny! I have had similar happen a few times – but when it happened recently with my youngest, I was able to shout for help for the other two to come and help and bless them, for once they realised what an emergency situation it was and actually did help!
Phew!