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Northern Mum

Crossfitting, pancreas acting, single mum to three

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The only way to drive: with wine and Valium ~ Northernmum

I dislike travelling in the car with my children.  In fact I would go as far to say that unless I am packed full of wine and Valium most journeys make me feel borderline suicidal.

My three little leg hangers sit side by side by side.  BB sits behind me and spends the vast amount of the journey switching between chanting “mummy, mummy, mummy” and then screaming as if she has knives in her nappy.  Twin boy likes nothing more than to encourage this behaviour by casually stroking her leg mid scream which merely intensifies the cry of anguish coming from my youngest girl.

Whilst Twin girl sucked her thumb she was an absolute delight to have in the car.  Buckle her in, start the car, watch the thumb go in and silence from the far corner for as long as the journey continued.  Then one day I had the idiotic notion that thumb-sucking was evil and would only lead to expensive braces and jutting out teeth and we developed an incentive plan that meant Twin Girl said goodbye to thumb-sucking forever.  When we kissed the thumb goodbye we inadvertently awoke the car devil in my eldest child, who is often found doing the nudge in order to entice a riot.

The nudge?  Perfected by many a six-year-old, it is simply where they nudge the child next to them, repeatedly so until that child gets incredibly hacked off and turns round and belts the first child causing a noise that can only be likened to wolves howling at the moon.

Tonight I climbed into the car with apprehension washing over me, the children were hyper and as predicted once we were buckled in and ready to go my car sounded like a kebab shop in Swansea at pub closing time in the height of stag do season.  One child was singing See saw Maj -a-ree-door off key and with the wrong words, the second was sobbing helplessly into their hands because one of the others had taken his band and snapped it and the third sat their with mischief etched on her face whilst gently kicking the back of her father’s chair.

“Can you stop that please” enquired he who helped create them.  I wasnt sure to which of my off springs he was talking to but guessed the chair kicker was the intended child.

The wailing hit fever pitch, “my band…..” yelped my son melodramatically, “I loved my band”.  The singing from the baby stopped for a moment, just enough time to allow her to tap Twin Boy on the head and proclaim “Stop!”

…then she carried on…”jon-eee will av new mus-tard”.  

Twin boy didn’t stop; he merely got louder.

Twin girl swung her feet that little bit harder.

The car felt like it was shrinking, my t shirt felt tight around my neck, the volume in the car was precariously close to bursting the sound barrier.  He who helped create them was turning a funny shade of purple and I figured he wasn’t enjoying the drive either.

I am not much of a smacker, I think Twin Boy has felt my palm twice and Twin Girl maybe once in her time, but in situations like this my fingers do start to twitch.

Desperate I turned to my children and said….

“If you don’t stop when we get out of the car you my hand will be coming up your backside.”

Silence fell across the car, it felt like a break in the clouds after weeks of rain.

Then the chair kicker piped up…

“Well you with have a really stinky hand then covered in poop.”

The crying stopped as my three leg hangers collapsed in unity sharing the sweet joy of laughing at their mother.

Valium and wine: the only way to drive….

 

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Comments

  1. Emma @mummymummymum says

    September 9, 2012 at 7:17 pm

    ha ha, I’m with you there. Although we did have all three of them singing ‘frere jacque’ very sweetly today.

    I refuse to do long journeys in daylight hours…

    Reply
  2. Emma @mummymummymum says

    September 9, 2012 at 7:17 pm

    ha ha, I’m with you there. Although we did have all three of them singing ‘frere jacque’ very sweetly today.

    I refuse to do long journeys in daylight hours…

    Reply
    • jane says

      September 12, 2012 at 6:06 am

      You are very wise!

      Reply
  3. Actually Mummy... says

    September 9, 2012 at 9:11 pm

    God she sounds just like mine – always a smart-alec reply.
    One solution works, and one only – 3 iPads

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      September 10, 2012 at 11:41 am

      And we don’t even have one… #hardcore

      Reply
  4. Monika aka mumonthebrink says

    September 9, 2012 at 10:05 pm

    This is exactly why my children know that our car only runs on sleep power and quiet energy. 🙂

    I am curious though, what car do you fit 3 carseats next to eachother?

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      September 10, 2012 at 11:48 am

      A ford s max, its a fab car x

      Reply
  5. SusanEardley says

    September 10, 2012 at 7:26 am

    DVD players my dear. That’s all you need. The couple of hundred £ I’ve spent on in built DVD players is the best money I’ve ever spent!

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      September 10, 2012 at 2:51 pm

      They broke

      Reply
  6. older mum in a muddle says

    September 10, 2012 at 8:10 am

    Oh my lord – what a nightmare – a no-win stuation – that brought back memories – my parents used to go ballistic when me and my two brothers played up in the back of the car!

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      September 10, 2012 at 2:51 pm

      I feel for your parents x

      Reply
  7. Anya from Older Single Mum says

    September 10, 2012 at 10:04 am

    Have you tried duct tape?

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      September 10, 2012 at 2:50 pm

      The beggars take it off

      Reply
      • angelfrouk says

        September 13, 2012 at 6:39 am

        You have to tie their hands and feet as well as their mouths…

        Reply
        • jane says

          September 14, 2012 at 8:09 pm

          Lol x

          Reply
        • jane says

          September 14, 2012 at 8:10 pm

          I am so jealous x

          Reply
  8. teawithonesugar says

    September 10, 2012 at 5:58 pm

    I managed to get 3 kids into the back of the Micra headed to Warrington took 7 hours and still have my sanity (just) needless to say my in-laws think i should join the AA and I don’t mean the car recovery people

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      September 10, 2012 at 9:03 pm

      Ha ha ha x

      Reply
  9. Blue sky says

    September 11, 2012 at 9:15 pm

    Well in no particular order I’ve used soothers, sweets, portable DVD players. Nintendo DS’s , I spy, singalong music tapes, stopping the car and getting the children out until they calm down, even if it’s raining, taking their shoes off which for a time was the ultimate punishment, don’t ask me why and any other bribes or threats I can think of!

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      September 11, 2012 at 9:16 pm

      taking their shoes? how can I not ask why?

      Reply
  10. AlwaysARedhead says

    September 11, 2012 at 9:32 pm

    Gosh I was spoiled when the kids were young, they would actually ask if they had time for a nap. Now they are 23, 20 and 18 and when in the car, it is horrid, who sits where, who is the tallest. Oh how I wish they were young again and ask for nap time.

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      September 12, 2012 at 7:58 am

      See I now nap religiously when oh drives, but then I sleep less than I used to….

      Reply
  11. Susan Mann says

    September 14, 2012 at 3:52 pm

    I feel for you. I will soon have three kiddies and so glad of built in DVD players x

    Reply
    • jane says

      September 14, 2012 at 8:11 pm

      Oh I am jealous….

      Reply
  12. sarsm says

    November 4, 2012 at 9:52 pm

    Sorry for laughing.
    I actually stopped did a screeching emergency stop once (after checking the coast was clear) and told them the naughtiest one would be required to leave the car because I could no longer concentrate and we were heading for an accident. It shut them up for about 5 minutes.
    Question: do your kids also keep telling you to look at things behind when your eyes should be firmly focused in front?
    I swear these ‘kids on board’ signs aren’t to protect the kids in the car, but to alert the other drivers.

    Reply

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Jane is a working Mum of three and has great hair. One of these things may not be true.

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