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Northern Mum

Crossfitting, pancreas acting, single mum to three

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A guide to surviving the six week holidays…

A guide to surviving the six week holidays…

I am sure most of you have noticed by the lack of traffic on the road and the increase in gin sales that the summer holidays are well underway.  Local parks are filled with middle-aged mothers hiding bloodshot eyes behind sunglasses and sipping Pinot from a Peppa Pig sippy cup in a bid to survive whilst teachers around the globe lie basking on child free sun drenched beaches in the Costa Del Sol.

It is about time we got the education authorities to rethink this warped form of torture that allows parents to happily time share their children with schools for thirty nine weeks of the year but then has an abrupt divorce in July which forces us to care for our own offspring for six weeks until reconciliation in early September.

It’s unfair, school sets standard that we simply can’t compare to.  They have pipe cleaners, PVC glue, frigging nature trails, all I have is a small patch of grass that we like to call a garden and a hose pipe that most summer’s get banned from being used.

So survival time, it is time to rub chalk on our cheeks and pull together like mother’s united and get through this.

How to survive

  1. Bulk buy alcohol – never leave yourself in the situation where the kids are in bed, the other half isn’t home and you suddenly realise that you have no wine in the fridge.  Nothing says alcoholic like the mother clinking bottles in Odd Bins with three children in PJ’s.

 

  1. Send flowers to your mother with a card that reads ‘just because I love you’; three days later drive up to her door, throw out her beloved grandchildren with a bag apiece, slap your foot down on the accelerator and fly off into the distance shouting ‘love you – see you Sunday’.

 

  1. Allow the garden to grow over a period of two weeks, buy a punnet of strawberries and throw them randomly amongst the blades of grass. Hand each child a basket, a set of shears, and the biggest one a mower.  Place a sign on the gate that reads Free Fruit Picking then sit back, pour your wine into Peppa, read the paper and relax whilst the garden gets sorted before your eyes.

 

  1. Keep hold of any out of date milk and keep it in the fridge.  Invite over relatives, in laws and god parents, offer them a warm beverage, use the out of date milk.  Provide evidence to the visitors and ask them to mind the children whilst you pop out.  Return six hours later pleading traffic issues; ensure you hide all shopping bags in the boot until they have left – don’t forget the milk….

 

  1. Teach them army survival skills – leave them in a field, with water, a compass and a map with home clearly marked on it then time them – all kids loved to be timed….

 

Any others please do let me know….

Please note – any children lost in trying out my survival techniques are not my responsibility.

Good luck to all victims of the holidays and let’s raise a glass to September

Cheers

Comments

  1. Notmyyearoff says

    August 7, 2012 at 5:31 pm

    Hahaaa!! Once they’ve mastered mowing lawns, send them out to warn some money for you. There is a boy is our street that used to do ours for £2.50. He recently upped it to £3.50.. I was outraged! But I’m not doing it myself so paid him. I think he has a clever mother. And recession and all that.

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      August 7, 2012 at 7:24 pm

      I am so hiring my kids out!

      Reply
  2. Hannah says

    August 7, 2012 at 5:41 pm

    Your blog always makes me giggle. Our little terror is only 4 months old but I’m already feeling the chaos that ensues over summer. Where did all the baby groups go!?!

    I plan to keep this in my bookmarks until she’s big enough to explore our lawn come nature walk with a mower of her very own.

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      August 7, 2012 at 7:25 pm

      Get her a child one for christmas; start em early I say.

      Reply
  3. Helloitsgemma says

    August 7, 2012 at 6:10 pm

    Tescos do better drinks deals than Oddbins. In fact think Oddbins no longer exists. Nothing worse than looking for an Oddbins only to find they’ve closed them all.

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      August 7, 2012 at 7:25 pm

      No odd bins?

      Reply
  4. Vik says

    August 7, 2012 at 6:27 pm

    The lady in Asda did give me a funny look when I went in for 12 bottles of wine, a box of lager and a box of cider plus several mixers. I did explain that it was the week before the summer hols…….!

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      August 7, 2012 at 7:26 pm

      I presume she then nodded understandingly?

      Reply
  5. Very Bored in Catalunya says

    August 7, 2012 at 8:21 pm

    We have this strange little summer school thing here in Spain which I sign my boy up to each year (so he doesn’t fall behind on his Catalan you understand…) this year I mistakenly ticked the wrong box and he now goes from 9 -1 and then 4 -7, it’s saved me a fortune on gin.

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      August 8, 2012 at 7:04 am

      So you parent for 3 hours a day? Genius!

      Reply
  6. PhotoPuddle says

    August 7, 2012 at 8:39 pm

    Ha ha. This post had me giggling out loud! I’m not actually minding the holidays too much yet. But that’s because I’m enjoying not having to get dressed until noon if I don’t feel like it. Getting up and out to school is going to seem so harsh now I have a baby to get ready as well. I can see myself doing a few school runs with him in his PJs!

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      August 8, 2012 at 7:39 am

      BB didn’t wear clothes on the school run until she was about one!

      Reply
  7. FamilyFourFun says

    August 7, 2012 at 10:12 pm

    I don’t mind holidays too much as I’m really bad at the routine of school time. I did allow my children to go off and pester the neighbours into letting them wash cars though. 2euro with dirty sponge and water, bargain eh? xx

    Reply
    • jane @ northernmum says

      August 10, 2012 at 9:56 pm

      Wise wise lady

      Reply
  8. Molly says

    August 8, 2012 at 5:12 am

    Marry a teacher….

    Reply
    • jane @ northernmum says

      August 10, 2012 at 9:55 pm

      Always one…

      Reply
  9. Mette says

    August 8, 2012 at 6:31 am

    Ha ha love your blog:) Well in Denmark school holiday is coming to an end. This monday it’s back to school…I survied the 6 weeks. Don’t know how…

    http://oddparent.blogspot.dk/

    Reply
    • jane @ northernmum says

      August 10, 2012 at 9:55 pm

      Bless you

      Reply
  10. Sonya Cisco says

    August 8, 2012 at 7:07 am

    Superb advice. Shall be trying them all at once!

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      August 10, 2012 at 9:51 pm

      Good luck

      Reply
  11. Middle-Aged Matron says

    August 8, 2012 at 4:37 pm

    Now you tell me! For crying out loud, couldn’t you have posted this two weeks ago?! I read this week a report by an child psychology expert which recommended making your child board a train alone, get out at the 16th stop and find their way back. I shall be booking mu infants onto separate Eurostars!

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      August 10, 2012 at 9:52 pm

      Such a good plan

      Reply
  12. Older Mum (In a Muddle) says

    August 8, 2012 at 4:58 pm

    Oh God. I’ve got this all to come …..

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      August 10, 2012 at 9:52 pm

      Oh yes

      Reply
  13. Gillian Richardson says

    August 8, 2012 at 10:26 pm

    Chin up… two more days and we are half way through. (Well I’m actually thinking is, Good Grief, we’re not even half way through yet.)

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      August 10, 2012 at 9:52 pm

      We are there! Today *pops cork*

      Reply
  14. One Mother's Notes says

    August 10, 2012 at 6:43 pm

    Haha. This really made me laugh. Thanks for the chuckle.

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      August 10, 2012 at 9:54 pm

      Anytime x

      Reply
  15. Blue Sky says

    August 12, 2012 at 1:32 pm

    Glad it’s not just me. The August calendar has one entry in big bold letters. On August 31st. It reads: ‘School Starts’. At least we’re in August now!

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      August 12, 2012 at 5:05 pm

      We have 5 extra days *sighs*

      Reply
  16. sarsm says

    August 14, 2012 at 8:25 am

    Our summer holidays have just started. *Off to buy wine*

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      August 14, 2012 at 8:31 pm

      feck it – go straight for the gin…..

      Reply
  17. Kerri B says

    August 14, 2012 at 11:23 am

    Haha love this! I especially love the one where the milk is out of date, a nice shopping day sounds fab!

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      August 14, 2012 at 7:50 pm

      Doesnt it x

      Reply
  18. Lisa @ motherhoodormadness says

    August 15, 2012 at 2:22 pm

    Brilliant – wish I has seen this sooner, my latest outburst, sorry blog, I have realised as a first time parent at the end of the summer holidays, how dememted you become!

    My boy starts school nursery on Monday, I am VERY happy about that lol

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      August 18, 2012 at 9:52 pm

      School is a wonderful thing

      Reply

Trackbacks

  1. Friday finds 10/08/12 « Great British Family says:
    August 10, 2012 at 9:09 am

    […] Just for fun – A guide to surviving the six weeks holidays […]

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