A guide to surviving the six week holidays…
I am sure most of you have noticed by the lack of traffic on the road and the increase in gin sales that the summer holidays are well underway. Local parks are filled with middle-aged mothers hiding bloodshot eyes behind sunglasses and sipping Pinot from a Peppa Pig sippy cup in a bid to survive whilst teachers around the globe lie basking on child free sun drenched beaches in the Costa Del Sol.
It is about time we got the education authorities to rethink this warped form of torture that allows parents to happily time share their children with schools for thirty nine weeks of the year but then has an abrupt divorce in July which forces us to care for our own offspring for six weeks until reconciliation in early September.
It’s unfair, school sets standard that we simply can’t compare to. They have pipe cleaners, PVC glue, frigging nature trails, all I have is a small patch of grass that we like to call a garden and a hose pipe that most summer’s get banned from being used.
So survival time, it is time to rub chalk on our cheeks and pull together like mother’s united and get through this.
How to survive
- Bulk buy alcohol – never leave yourself in the situation where the kids are in bed, the other half isn’t home and you suddenly realise that you have no wine in the fridge. Nothing says alcoholic like the mother clinking bottles in Odd Bins with three children in PJ’s.
- Send flowers to your mother with a card that reads ‘just because I love you’; three days later drive up to her door, throw out her beloved grandchildren with a bag apiece, slap your foot down on the accelerator and fly off into the distance shouting ‘love you – see you Sunday’.
- Allow the garden to grow over a period of two weeks, buy a punnet of strawberries and throw them randomly amongst the blades of grass. Hand each child a basket, a set of shears, and the biggest one a mower. Place a sign on the gate that reads Free Fruit Picking then sit back, pour your wine into Peppa, read the paper and relax whilst the garden gets sorted before your eyes.
- Keep hold of any out of date milk and keep it in the fridge. Invite over relatives, in laws and god parents, offer them a warm beverage, use the out of date milk. Provide evidence to the visitors and ask them to mind the children whilst you pop out. Return six hours later pleading traffic issues; ensure you hide all shopping bags in the boot until they have left – don’t forget the milk….
- Teach them army survival skills – leave them in a field, with water, a compass and a map with home clearly marked on it then time them – all kids loved to be timed….
Any others please do let me know….
Please note – any children lost in trying out my survival techniques are not my responsibility.
Good luck to all victims of the holidays and let’s raise a glass to September
Cheers
Hahaaa!! Once they’ve mastered mowing lawns, send them out to warn some money for you. There is a boy is our street that used to do ours for £2.50. He recently upped it to £3.50.. I was outraged! But I’m not doing it myself so paid him. I think he has a clever mother. And recession and all that.
I am so hiring my kids out!
Your blog always makes me giggle. Our little terror is only 4 months old but I’m already feeling the chaos that ensues over summer. Where did all the baby groups go!?!
I plan to keep this in my bookmarks until she’s big enough to explore our lawn come nature walk with a mower of her very own.
Get her a child one for christmas; start em early I say.
Tescos do better drinks deals than Oddbins. In fact think Oddbins no longer exists. Nothing worse than looking for an Oddbins only to find they’ve closed them all.
No odd bins?
The lady in Asda did give me a funny look when I went in for 12 bottles of wine, a box of lager and a box of cider plus several mixers. I did explain that it was the week before the summer hols…….!
I presume she then nodded understandingly?
We have this strange little summer school thing here in Spain which I sign my boy up to each year (so he doesn’t fall behind on his Catalan you understand…) this year I mistakenly ticked the wrong box and he now goes from 9 -1 and then 4 -7, it’s saved me a fortune on gin.
So you parent for 3 hours a day? Genius!
Ha ha. This post had me giggling out loud! I’m not actually minding the holidays too much yet. But that’s because I’m enjoying not having to get dressed until noon if I don’t feel like it. Getting up and out to school is going to seem so harsh now I have a baby to get ready as well. I can see myself doing a few school runs with him in his PJs!
BB didn’t wear clothes on the school run until she was about one!
I don’t mind holidays too much as I’m really bad at the routine of school time. I did allow my children to go off and pester the neighbours into letting them wash cars though. 2euro with dirty sponge and water, bargain eh? xx
Wise wise lady
Marry a teacher….
Always one…
Ha ha love your blog:) Well in Denmark school holiday is coming to an end. This monday it’s back to school…I survied the 6 weeks. Don’t know how…
http://oddparent.blogspot.dk/
Bless you
Superb advice. Shall be trying them all at once!
Good luck
Now you tell me! For crying out loud, couldn’t you have posted this two weeks ago?! I read this week a report by an child psychology expert which recommended making your child board a train alone, get out at the 16th stop and find their way back. I shall be booking mu infants onto separate Eurostars!
Such a good plan
Oh God. I’ve got this all to come …..
Oh yes
Chin up… two more days and we are half way through. (Well I’m actually thinking is, Good Grief, we’re not even half way through yet.)
We are there! Today *pops cork*
Haha. This really made me laugh. Thanks for the chuckle.
Anytime x
Glad it’s not just me. The August calendar has one entry in big bold letters. On August 31st. It reads: ‘School Starts’. At least we’re in August now!
We have 5 extra days *sighs*
Our summer holidays have just started. *Off to buy wine*
feck it – go straight for the gin…..
Haha love this! I especially love the one where the milk is out of date, a nice shopping day sounds fab!
Doesnt it x
Brilliant – wish I has seen this sooner, my latest outburst, sorry blog, I have realised as a first time parent at the end of the summer holidays, how dememted you become!
My boy starts school nursery on Monday, I am VERY happy about that lol
School is a wonderful thing