A guide to surviving the six week holidays…
I am sure most of you have noticed by the lack of traffic on the road and the increase in gin sales that the summer holidays are well underway. Local parks are filled with middle-aged mothers hiding bloodshot eyes behind sunglasses and sipping Pinot from a Peppa Pig sippy cup in a bid to survive whilst teachers around the globe lie basking on child free sun drenched beaches in the Costa Del Sol.
It is about time we got the education authorities to rethink this warped form of torture that allows parents to happily time share their children with schools for thirty nine weeks of the year but then has an abrupt divorce in July which forces us to care for our own offspring for six weeks until reconciliation in early September.
It’s unfair, school sets standard that we simply can’t compare to. They have pipe cleaners, PVC glue, frigging nature trails, all I have is a small patch of grass that we like to call a garden and a hose pipe that most summer’s get banned from being used.
So survival time, it is time to rub chalk on our cheeks and pull together like mother’s united and get through this.
How to survive
- Bulk buy alcohol – never leave yourself in the situation where the kids are in bed, the other half isn’t home and you suddenly realise that you have no wine in the fridge. Nothing says alcoholic like the mother clinking bottles in Odd Bins with three children in PJ’s.
- Send flowers to your mother with a card that reads ‘just because I love you’; three days later drive up to her door, throw out her beloved grandchildren with a bag apiece, slap your foot down on the accelerator and fly off into the distance shouting ‘love you – see you Sunday’.
- Allow the garden to grow over a period of two weeks, buy a punnet of strawberries and throw them randomly amongst the blades of grass. Hand each child a basket, a set of shears, and the biggest one a mower. Place a sign on the gate that reads Free Fruit Picking then sit back, pour your wine into Peppa, read the paper and relax whilst the garden gets sorted before your eyes.
- Keep hold of any out of date milk and keep it in the fridge. Invite over relatives, in laws and god parents, offer them a warm beverage, use the out of date milk. Provide evidence to the visitors and ask them to mind the children whilst you pop out. Return six hours later pleading traffic issues; ensure you hide all shopping bags in the boot until they have left – don’t forget the milk….
- Teach them army survival skills – leave them in a field, with water, a compass and a map with home clearly marked on it then time them – all kids loved to be timed….
Any others please do let me know….
Please note – any children lost in trying out my survival techniques are not my responsibility.
Good luck to all victims of the holidays and let’s raise a glass to September