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Northern Mum

Crossfitting, pancreas acting, single mum to three

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Did you hear me call them little sh*ts….(sorry)

I wrote this post last year, but it is one of my favourites and as the festive season beckons I am giving it a fresh leash of life.  To be fair he who help create them is liable to get the same Christmas gift this year, me wrapped in a bow – fully clothed – I am not trying to upset anyone,  so I don’t think it really hurts to repeat my one and only Christmas post….

Let me know what you think….

Dear Santa,

How you doing old man?

Stressed I imagine?  I have to say respect to you for still managing to ho, ho, ho throughout December.  If I were you I would send all these letters back return to sender.  How often do you get mail January to November and then suddenly everyone wants a piece of you when the snow starts to fall.  And does anyone, apart from meals on wheels, ever pop in to see how you are doing?  It must be lonely since Mrs Claus ran off with that elf.

It’s forecasting snow over in blighty at the moment; I bet that has you off ho-ing.  Whole bloody country has will grind to a halt and not one person has even thought of asking you about the magic sledge.  Could be a second income for you, hiring out the sleigh for a fee, you could even charge extra for you to drive,  ask for cash in hand though or the tax for working your bollocks off doing two jobs barely makes it worthwhile.  I am sure you would appreciate the alternate conversation instead of “Santa can I have” you will get some pearlers like “what time are you on to?” and “been busy?”

I have a question, how do you decide who goes on the naughty list and who is on the nice.  Is it an immediate cut off point or do you have exceptions to the rule.  For example my son bit his sister this morning which to me is a naughty offense, but to be honest if you rock up on Christmas eve with only presents for her the next day is going to be utterly unbearable so can we leave it that I’ll deal with him and you can carry on building his skateboard?  Also when considering adults on the list do you look at the stresses they are currently under?  I mean I only murmured ‘little shits’ the other day and I am sure the kids didn’t hear me.  Yes, I know it not nice to call your children names at the best of times particularly ones which are ‘bad’ words but the little shits had used all my Jo Malone bath oil and soaked the bathroom in their attempt to make a Harry Potter potion.    They were hoping to turn invisible, sadly it didn’t work.

Anyway I have sent the kids lists to you up the chimney.  Well actually we placed them on the electric fire as we don’t have a chimney and when the kids weren’t looking I whipped them off and stuck a stamp on and posted them to you.  See you didn’t have to make a house call so I saved you a job; hopefully you can start scribbling my name back on the good list?

Anyways, let’s presume all is good between us so this year I only want two things please, can I have a bag full of patience, I lost mine last year and life is pretty hard without it.  Also my libido has stopped working since I had three kids so can I have a new one or you can have a bash at fixing the old one.  Cheers Santa.

Oh one last thing, I know you are busy but Movember has ended, you can lose the tash!

Merry Christmas

NorthernMum

Comments

  1. Notmyyearoff says

    December 3, 2011 at 8:42 am

    Hehe!!! Did he reply? Or was he busy shaping his tasche into different styles? End of Movember is a pain in the arse for trying to get them to do anything!

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      December 5, 2011 at 7:51 pm

      He never replied….. 🙁

      Reply
  2. Kelly says

    December 3, 2011 at 10:00 am

    Ha ha ha! Or should that be ho ho ho!

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      December 5, 2011 at 7:52 pm

      Ha! Good one

      Reply
  3. Expat Mammy says

    December 3, 2011 at 10:05 pm

    very funny,x

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      December 5, 2011 at 7:53 pm

      Thanks

      Reply
  4. Blue Sky says

    December 4, 2011 at 10:52 pm

    Harry Potter potions were made in large quantities in this house too…and when we got the family home back after 4 years I found bottles of them still lurking in the cupboard under the stairs!

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      December 5, 2011 at 7:53 pm

      Euch! Were they rancid?

      Reply
  5. actuallymummy says

    December 5, 2011 at 1:43 pm

    Ho ho ho! If you know where they’re handing out new libido’s I suspect there will be a queue longer than the one outside the Apple shop. And my husband will be at the front to get me one for Christmas!

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      December 5, 2011 at 7:54 pm

      Mine would sleep out for a week trying to get me one!

      Reply
  6. Circus Queen says

    December 6, 2011 at 1:59 am

    A bag full of patience for me too, Santa, please. Having a baby’s made me realise I’d only thought I had any to begin with.

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      December 6, 2011 at 7:34 am

      I don’t think even Santa is that magical.

      Reply
  7. Emma @mummymummymum says

    December 6, 2011 at 10:05 pm

    Giggling! i hope Santa doesn’t take offence at you calling him ‘old man’

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      December 6, 2011 at 10:13 pm

      He is age old! Older than time! Tis a compliment x

      Reply
  8. Helloitsgemma says

    December 14, 2011 at 7:21 pm

    It was better last year. What did you change?

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      December 14, 2011 at 7:50 pm

      P off!

      Reply

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Jane is a working Mum of three and has great hair. One of these things may not be true.

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