I thought yesterday was going to be a normal day, I didn’t know it was going to be one that would shape the rest of my life for ever. I didn’t know that I would face today a new woman with a renewed purpose in life.
Yesterday, I didn’t know that I would almost die.
The evening started well, I arrived home in the early evening dusk, where night has crept in just enough to hide the dust from the day so I don’t become overwhelmed with dismay at returning to a dirty house. Lamps lit the lounge, again casting just enough light to create an comfortable aura and hiding the footprints on the floor and the hand marks on the wall. The children were sleeping and from the kitchen I could smell potatoes baking in their skins and steak frying in the pan.
Walton style I tiptoed into the kitchen and embraced the chef (my husband for those in any doubt) then taking instruction that dinner was almost ready I popped upstairs to freshen up for my meal.
Moments later I sat, feet curled under me on my favourite chair, a tray positioned on my lap with a plate piled high with food delicious enough to throw any self respecting chubby woman off her two day diet. Only one thing was missing, the steak was near perfect but just needed a sprinkle of salt to add to its splendour.
Now I like my steak rare, I was vegetarian for many years and when I turned back to feeding on animals I turned with a vengeance. I love red meat and I like it bloody. He who helped create them knows this and he prepared my meal last night beautifully, it was almost as if he knew it could be my last.
As I rose to fetch the salt to delicately add to my meal I couldn’t resist tearing a piece of succulent rump from my plate and placing it in my mouth. I succumbed to the sin of gluttony and moments later it felt the devil himself was trying to reclaim me for his own.
It was divine, heavenly drops of meat tickled my taste buds and oozed down my throat, till suddenly the oozing stopped, my taste buds jammed and a huge chunk of rare beef lodged in my throat.
I couldn’t breathe, my eyes watered, I panicked, throwing salt everywhere and not evening bothering to sprinkle some over my shoulder I staggered back to he who helped create them clutching my throat whilst my eyes roamed wildly in my head.
“I….. Can’t…. Breathe…” I choked,
This was it, I knew I was off to meet my maker, my life flashed before my eyes, I saw my kids being born, I watched my wedding happen, I saw the first pimple I squeezed and I watched my baby self blow out the candle on my first birthday cake.
He who helped create them rose to his feet making a noise that sounded like a chuckle but I am sure must have been a groan of concern as he saw life as a single parent of three stretch out before him.
“You ok love?” He enquired
“Call…an…ambulance.”. I squeaked, terror rising,
“Hang on.”
And then he saved me, my knight in faded jeans. He swung his arm back and brought it down heavy on my spine causing the lump of beef flavoured anguish to shoot out of my windpipe, up past my tonsils and out of my mouth.
Wasting no time the rabid hound, who had been watching the nights events silently, launched on the semi chewed instrument of death and removed the evidence, swallowing it whole so it could never attack me again.
Shaken I sat down, wiping the tears from my eyes and thought about what could have been.
Then I finished the steak.
It was a bloody good steak, but not quite worth dying for.
I’ve had that happen to me and it’s so scary. Can you imagine if you live on your own?? I’d never eat steak again!. Glad you’re ok xx
If I lived alone I would be a gonner….
Oh blimey ! I was waiting for this following last nights tweet – but you do have a fab way with words. Well done and I, for one, am glad you are still alive and blogging x
What can I say, you inspired me to write…..
Wow that Dog bloody adores you! He is the unpaid babysitter and now without any thought for his own safety he attacked and destroyed the evil meat in case it decided to carry on with its murderous intentions! Bravo Doggy. P.S as you know I am a nurse and its a little known fact that chocolate helps people with near death experiences especially when consumed with wine xxx
I have also heard that. And I heard massaged from husband help… Can you confirm as a nurse?
You know just how to catch the moment!! 😉
Us ex-veggies and our raw meat. I’m off to eat raw fish tonight.
Had that for lunch Nom.Nom
“Walton style” haha! It could have been Goodnight John-Boy for ever.
Sob, so true x
Too funny – who needs 3 kids to write about when there is just enough material coming from you! xoxoxoxo glad you were well enough and recovered to blog about it. I did wonder the seriousness as you were able to tweet last night! That’s multi-tasking
Dude I nearly died! Really *wide eyed*
Very scary isn’t it? The same thing happened to me in the wilderness on the Isle of Mull, miles from any ambulance…only I choked on Kendal Mint Cake. Never ate it again!
Death by mint cake! Great headline
Well, as a vegetarian – I can only say; Serves you right. That poor cow.
Must have been a tough choice – single parenthood and the life insurance policy or getting up and missing a bit of telly – what a gent. X
Bloody self righteous veggie
Hmmm, not sure if you deserve any sympathy, gluttony is a sin you know 🙂
You and gemma are harsh ladies, and you’d both miss me if I was deader than a dodo!
Frightening experience for you. So glad it turned out okay in the end.
But I’m really quite envious at the thought of your hubby cooking your steak for you!!
CJ xx
Aw thanks CJ! Nice to see the sympathy back!
He is quite a good little house husband and does make a mean steak when he is not trying to kill me!
I promise i’m not laughing … nor am I singing ‘Staying Alive’ in my head right now 🙂 Glad you’re alive ‘n that x
That song is going to be in my head all night now!
I nearly died!
But am staying alive!
Ah …. ah ….. ah …. ah …. ARGH …… ARGGGGHHHHHHHH ….. stayin alive, stayin alive … 🙂
Now you have got my feet a jiggin! Dance with me…
Bloody hell Jane – what a scary moment for you. I’m only glad that he who helped create them (and the rabid hound) were there to jump to the rescue.
So glad you finished the steak though – that would be me too 🙂 x
if I were a single spinster surrounded by cats I would be dead!
Or I would have never had the steak that almost killed me so would be very much alive!
Hmmm a bit paradoxical really!
I’m sorry to laugh at your near death experience but you’re TOO funny! Good to see that it didn’t turn you veggie again! 😉
Think it would have had to kill me to turn me veggie again!
Eeeeekkk! Glad you’re ok, was a bit worried when I read the title…. *gulps* Oh, and I would have finished it off too. Waste not, want not, eh?
Exactly!
Scary – hope it doesn’t put you off steak for good. Will we now see a ‘new you’ on the blog? Parachute jumping, risk taking action woman living life like everyday is your last?!
I’d love to parachute jump! He who helped create them won’t let me, says it is too dangerous. Not as dangerous as eating cow!
I was veggie for 15 years & now I love my steak rare. My hubby is an excellent chef. A story very well told. I was intrigued to wonder how you would brush with death in such a blissful domestic scene…
Ha! I am a bit of a story teller…..
god love us ex veggies and bloody meat.
Scary stuff. Pleased you’re ok – would have been wrong of me to have chuckled reading this post if you weren’t!
yes, very wrong! x
He who helped create them is sickeningly multitalented isn’t he.
Glad you’re okay though..
And happy to find a fellow former vegetarian who likes their meat almost moving. 15 years… What was I thinking?
all that wasted meat…..
Shriek!
what a wonderful way of putting it!
Reasons not to get divorced #14 …. I get really annoyed when people don’t whack you on the back when people start coughing! Well done He who helped create them! I hope you made him a cuppa after!
Now, lets not go mad here……
He’s a keeper!
Glad you’re ok lovely xx
Lived to see another day! Xxxxxx
Christ on a motorbike that was a close call !
Well done to he who helped create them 🙂 Maybe a vegetable puree next time 😉
Through a straw?
It does sound like a beautiful steak though…
It was lush….
Gutted to have lost a bit if honest x