My maternal clock has started to tick.
Don’t panic I am not about to crack on with number four; having three children means I barely have time to make the bed never mind make a baby. Plus in order to have a fourth child I would need to get a new husband as mine is a little reluctant to bring another small person into the world.
However should he who helped create them ever lose control of his senses and decide to run away as fast as he can I am prepared to go ‘live’ on the dating sites the same day with the following personal ad in order to secure me a new man and a fourth baby.
“Hot to trot buxom momma seeks loving secure relationship with stable good looking chap. Enjoys nights out, good food and wine and exercise. To know more please call me.”
Ok its not the best ad in the world but I don’t want to oversell myself so the lucky chap shrieks in horror at the sight of me and I think it is a marked improvement on my first draft.
“Hot to trot, well slightly sweaty with potential early onset of menopause buxom* momma seeks financially stable (ie minted as quite frankly working disagrees with me) gorgeous** chap. Before my social life and bladder control died on me with the birth of three children I used to enjoy nights out. I would like to do so again so babysitting will be a required part of our dating ritual. I can offer good food, the kids say no one can knock out fishfingers and chips like I can and good wine. Aldi do a great rose for £2.98 and just one glass of it is bound to get me in the mood for bed… I enjoy exercise and would love any lucky future potential husband to buy me a lifetime membership to a spa where I can be rubbed on a daily basis by a male masseuse named Brad. Should you fit the above criteria please pop round I’ll have the vicar waiting.”
P.S I have a dog who doesn’t like men so please wear boots and have your arms and legs covered when you first pop in so the bites hopefully won’t break the skin.
* disclaimer: should you attempt to form any relationship with the chest area be warned bb may attack, she is armed with one tooth. Those boobies are hers.
**if you get a fright when you look in the mirror stop reading now and go see your mother, she has to love you the mummy book says so.
Honestly I am quite a catch will probably never have to use either of these as he who helped create them is clearly one lucky lucky fella.