I remember being a slightly, shall we say mischievous, teenager and my mother would reprimand me verbally. The conversations would always end the same with me providing a witty retort to everything she said often along the lines of; ‘don’t care’ and ‘so’. Until eventually she would throw up her hands in sheer frustration and cry;
‘Just wait till you have kids.’
And on that cliffhanger she would turn on her heel and walk out of the room.
Well I have kids and now know that weighted sentence is the ultimate last word. Even though my children are not close to the dreaded teenage years I whole heartedly know how my mother must have felt with every smart arsed response I gave her. And now to my teenaged self horror I find myself quoting my mother; knocking out some of her infamous one liners in an attempt to rule my kids.
I coax twin girl at meal times to eat her crusts and at night she dreams of waking up to shirley temple curls and faces crushing disappointment daily as her hair remains ironed straight all because I have told her a whopping great porkie! Why the bloody hell are crusts so important anyway? Is that where Hovis secretly inject the hidden vegetable glue?
Twin boy foils my stupid sayings easily; when I ask him to eat his greens saying there are starving children in Africa. He merely disappears from the table and returns with an envelope and pen ready to post his broccoli and peas to sunnier climates.
Like my mother when I am fed up of hearing ‘mummmmmmmmmy’ I merely announce I am changing my name. Again no effect on my children they merely start calling me Jane; or if twin boy is on top form my name can be changed on my behalf to ‘poo poo head’ or ‘wee wee pants.’
The classic one liner I have not used yet is ‘ oh just go and play with traffic’. My kids have a habit of taking me literally which could evoke a rather disastrous situation.
I did rather stupidly tell twin boy off last week when he was swinging from his bunk bed with the clever line of;
“Don’t come running to me when you break your legs.”
Needless to say he didn’t. However I had my revenge as the poor lad now thinks he is growing an orange tree in his belly as he defied my advice to not eat the pips.
And be honest does anyone know anyone who has had the misfortune to die from sucking their hair? My mother drummed it into me that should I persist in this rather yucky habit I would cultivate a hair ball the size of a hamster in my throat which would eventually lead to my untimely demise. I in turn repeat the same words to twin girl but feel that like the crust thing this could be a bit of a whopper.
Last summer I assured my children that should they break their necks whilst playing carelessly in the garden there was no way I would take them to legoland the next day.
And when their play fighting eventually leads to an injury of some nature I actually turn into my mother, my hair darkens slightly and my accent turns more broad yorkshire as I look upon the injured child and say ‘has your leg fallen off?’, ‘no? Then its fine, stop fighting with each other?.’ I barely recognise the women who used to rush a toddler with scraped knee to the sink and tenderly wipe the tears away.
But my two favourite saying of my mothers, both which are used frequently are;
1. ‘Wait till I get you home!’
Completely pointless; my short term memory is so appalling after the birth of bb that we all know I will forget what upset me so much in the first place. I may as well just shout ’empty threat, empty threat’ as it would have the same impact.
2. ‘Because I said so and mummy know best.’. To end any argument.
Again I use it so often and the twins just laugh as me and often reply; ‘ok how do you make a rocket?’
Clearly they have inherited my ability to have the last word!
Any more clangers you or your mum say please leave them below so I know I am not alone in my stupid one liners.