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Northern Mum

Crossfitting, pancreas acting, single mum to three

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Dear Gina Ford, I’m sorry….

Dear Gina,

I’m sorry;

I have been bewitched. 

 I am completely and utterly spellbound by an eight month old baby girl.

Twin boy and girl were not different, they captivated my heart from the moment they crept out the sunroof, but as they came as a pair  adhering to your routines meant I had a life which involved sleep and lots of it.  But with BB  she has clearly cast a spell on me as she has conjured me into taking a new parenting path; which involves complete abandonment of the rules

Your much loved book sits dusty on the toilet windowsill.  I dare not crack the spine as I am pretty sure your routines don’t read like this:

 Routine for a breastfeeding baby at six to nine months

7am: baby to be woken by daddy’s gentle snores as she sleeps in between her besotted and tired parents.  Baby may or may not have a feed from both breasts; it really depends on how much she drank at 3am

8am:  baby to remain in pj’s for next few hours as twin boy and girl dominate the morning

 8.30am: baby to be tossed a rusk in the car for breakfast as mummy shouts at older children to buckle up and get a move on.

 9.15am: baby to nod off wherever baby happens to be

 10am:  baby to be woken by frantic late mother scrubbing remains of rusk off her face with johnson’s baby wipe before heading to some activity that no doubt will include winding up the bloody bobbin again.

 10.30am baby starts to grizzle and arches her body towards mothers breast, mother to then sigh and comment how she should have dropped this feed  ages ago whilst lifting top.

 10.32am: baby unlatches with wicked glint in eye, giggling at yet another exposure of mummy’s boob.  Mummy eats cookie as forgot to eat breakfast.

 Between 10.32 and 11.45: baby lurches towards breast in annoyance if anyone says ‘are you still breastfeeding her?’ Or ‘isn’t she getting too old for that now?’

11.45am: baby throws a variety of food on floor and grins madly at mummy who claps and shrieks well done every time a tiny particle enters her mouth.

12.30am:  mummy places calm baby in a darkened room in her cot for lunchtime sleep.

 12.32am: baby shouts until mummy comes back and hands over the boob for one last feed before nap time.

 Baby now sleeps as long as baby goddamn wants.

 2.30pm: baby refuses a milk feed, preferring to wait until mummy is driving to school to pick up the twins to mention she is peckish.

5pm: baby once again covers the floor with a variety of food.

5.30pm: baby has some open air time, on change mat mummy  encourages her to have a kick.

5.32pm: baby defecates on said change mat much to wild amusement of older siblings and encourages unhealthy interest from rapid hound.

 5.34pm: bath followed by quick once over with massage cream.

 6.00pm: baby takes full feed from both breasts whilst mummy bathes older children, practices reading with them, gets them into PJ’s and mops floor with the broom handle protruding from her arse.

 7.00pm: baby goes to sleep in darkened room in own cot.

 3.02am: baby wakes up for a snack

 3:32am: baby points out that mummy and daddy’s bed is bigger, more squidgy, and warmer than own cot and refuses to settle until she gets her own spot in it.

 3:45am: baby sleeps attached to mummy with daddy’s arm on her tummy.  Baby is happy.

From the last time I read your manuscript Gina, I recall your routine to be a little different.  So I apologise; I still think your routines are superb but this child has stolen my heart and ridiculed my authority and I can’t bear to hear her sob.

Plus there is only one of her so I can bend the rules a little; can’t I?

yours sincerely,

a little tired northernmum

xxx

Comments

  1. TheBoyandMe says

    February 1, 2011 at 2:40 pm

    Beautiful post about Baby Beautiful.

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      February 1, 2011 at 10:11 pm

      Thanks x x x

      Reply
  2. Maria Mesias says

    February 1, 2011 at 3:25 pm

    Northern Mummy – HILARIOUS!!! That post has put a smile on my face – so like my baby (now 2yrs old) but so funny. And so true. Fantastic!!

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      February 1, 2011 at 10:11 pm

      Thanks 🙂

      Reply
  3. Rachael says

    February 1, 2011 at 4:09 pm

    I find Gina is best used as a rough guide anyway. 🙂

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      February 1, 2011 at 10:11 pm

      I agree and 3rd time round common sense prevails – plus I know i will regret somethings but is all my fault

      Reply
  4. wendy mcdonald says

    February 1, 2011 at 6:18 pm

    Exactly as it should be! 🙂

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      February 1, 2011 at 10:10 pm

      🙂

      Reply
  5. Hannah says

    February 1, 2011 at 6:19 pm

    haha, my thoughts exactly.

    Gina could learn something from this…

    😛

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      February 1, 2011 at 10:10 pm

      do you think she would read?

      Reply
  6. Michelle Twin Mum says

    February 1, 2011 at 8:32 pm

    Ohh Jane I realy was laughing our loud, especially the broom up your arse!

    Do you actually need to get a book published!

    Mich x

    Reply
  7. MellyBentley says

    February 1, 2011 at 9:22 pm

    Brilliant. Every mum finds their own way and yours is lovely, endearing and a pleasure to read.

    Melissa

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      February 1, 2011 at 10:10 pm

      thanks melissa

      Reply
  8. motherporridge says

    February 1, 2011 at 9:42 pm

    love it. As am expecting number 3 and dreading how to do bedtimes I particularly enjoyed ‘baby takes full feed from both breasts whilst mummy bathes older children, practices reading with them, gets them into PJ’s and mops floor with the broom handle protruding from her arse’ Brilliant. I shall be emulating your arse sweeping activities.

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      February 1, 2011 at 10:10 pm

      good luck honey – 3 is madness

      Reply
  9. mummy@bofortea says

    February 1, 2011 at 9:50 pm

    Ha ha! LOVE this post. I carried on far longer than I thought I would too! 🙂

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      February 1, 2011 at 10:09 pm

      I will stop when she is at Uni – promise

      Reply
  10. waterbirthplease says

    February 1, 2011 at 9:55 pm

    This post is brilliant! I was determined to do Gina Fords routine but the STRESS it caused was ridiculous. My husband one day chucked the book out the window (literally!) and we were all much happier! Great stuff x

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      February 1, 2011 at 10:09 pm

      I still heart gina, but am rubbish at adhering to it! sleep times are right tho!

      Reply
  11. The Coffee Lady says

    February 1, 2011 at 10:15 pm

    I remember ‘baby is unlatched from breast because older sibling needs a wee’ featuring pretty prominently in our routine.

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      February 1, 2011 at 10:36 pm

      god the amount of times i have to wipe an arse then re latch!

      Reply
  12. mrs scruff says

    February 1, 2011 at 10:20 pm

    Hearing every word. my 5 month old feeds twice in the night as well as on the hour in the day. I stick with her nap times and that lunchtime theory is pretty spot on. My 2 yr old still loves her nap. As for all that settle with cooled water malarky. pah. its always about the boob

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      February 1, 2011 at 10:36 pm

      cool boiled water is detested in this house!
      x

      Reply
  13. MummyLion says

    February 1, 2011 at 10:46 pm

    Phew! it’s not just me then 🙂 my mum keeps nagging me that i should have a strict routine but i’m happy, he’s happy, what more can you ask for? x

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      February 2, 2011 at 8:25 am

      happiness is underrated!
      x

      Reply
  14. Mummy Beadzoid says

    February 1, 2011 at 10:58 pm

    Haha brilliant post! Such hilarious imagery with the broom. LOL’d I actually did!

    Can’t say I ever had the urge to try Gina Ford, but then little one often wakes me after 9am (hey I struggle with insomnia!) and we’re often not dressed til we’ve had lunch. Think I’d be booted out of Gina bootcamp in disgrace.

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      February 2, 2011 at 8:24 am

      i have to get dressed – school run and all!

      Reply
  15. Chris Mosler says

    February 2, 2011 at 2:57 pm

    *Stands up and addresses the room* I never read Gina Ford!

    I have 4 children aged 4 – 14 and I did with all of them what you are doing with yours., guess what?…They survived! (and bloody lovely they are too!)

    Hilarious piece, made me laugh, thanks!

    Reply
  16. This Mid 30s Life says

    February 2, 2011 at 7:37 pm

    Love that! And I loathe Gina Ford so I loved it even more. xx

    Reply
  17. cherrymumof6 says

    February 2, 2011 at 8:04 pm

    Brilliant post, really made me smile. x

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      February 2, 2011 at 9:24 pm

      thanks x

      Reply
  18. Teawithonesugarplease says

    February 2, 2011 at 9:28 pm

    Ah she has smitten you and got you wrapped round your finger 🙂 I only ready Gina’s Twin book for direction on how to get the twins into a routine but gave up following it when they reached 6-9 months as no way would they sit quietly and watch you wash up whilst they digest their meals….. With the first born it was the Baby Whisperer.

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      February 3, 2011 at 9:34 pm

      ha. please let baby sit quietly and encourage them to stay at the table – what a pile of bile! x

      Reply
  19. sarsm says

    February 3, 2011 at 2:47 pm

    Great post!

    I think there’s no exact science in bringing up children. They’re all different, parents are all different and therefore different rules apply for each.

    With my four children I apply the try and test and if it doesn’t work take a crack at another route.

    I fed all of my daughters for ten months. I have no idea what Gina suggests, like Chris above I have never read anything she has written. Truth be told I haven’t even heard of her. OK, the real truth is I have never read a parenting book in my life.

    In my mind a good parent is loving, communicative, respectful, can tell them when they’ve stepped over the line, and has a good sense of humour.

    Your blog shows you to be a very good mother.

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      February 3, 2011 at 9:33 pm

      ahhhh thanks!
      x
      x

      Reply
  20. Don't step on the cracks says

    February 4, 2011 at 3:40 pm

    Haha Very very funny – it’s brightened up my day and always so nice to hear of other people in the same boat although my youngest is 2 and really does need to sleep in his own bed. At some point …

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      February 4, 2011 at 10:01 pm

      glad i made you smile x

      Reply
  21. outofourtownieminds says

    February 5, 2011 at 8:03 am

    My GF twin book was destined for ebay after two hours trying to do her routines.. Now much happier babies and sane Mummy.. love the blog!

    Reply
  22. littlepiecesofwood says

    February 6, 2011 at 7:59 am

    Great post!!

    Reply
  23. ella says

    February 6, 2011 at 10:17 pm

    I actually laughed out loud at ‘baby now sleeps as long as baby goddamn wants.’

    You wouldn’t believe what the routine has been like with number 4 in our house! But we all somehow get through the day anyway….

    Reply
  24. butterflyexperience says

    March 10, 2011 at 9:40 am

    hahaha very funny!
    My 9 month old is also meant to be asleep at 3am and what would Gina say to my baby’s 5:30am poo’s?

    Answers on a post card please…

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      March 10, 2011 at 9:57 am

      I spent 12am, 3am and 5am with my 9 month old last night gina would despair of me!

      Reply
  25. Notmyyearoff says

    May 24, 2012 at 8:08 pm

    This is so funny, it’s one of the first posts I ever read ages back.

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      May 27, 2012 at 8:43 pm

      Cheers lovely

      Reply
  26. Afleming says

    August 8, 2013 at 4:52 am

    Love it! Typing one handed with v contented 8 month old finally asleep after 2 hours of teething/babbling/crawling round cot/dancing round room – at last got his way with milk and mummy on sofa at 5.30am. Tired and soft southern mum!

    Reply

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