How you doing old man?
Stressed I imagine? I have to say respect to you for still managing to ho, ho, ho throughout December. If I were you I would send all these letters back return to sender. How often do you get mail January to November and then suddenly everyone wants a piece of you when the snow starts to fall. And does anyone, apart from meals on wheels, ever pop in to see how you are doing? It must be lonely since Mrs Claus ran off with that elf.
It’s snowing over in blighty at the moment; I bet that has you off ho-ing. Whole bloody country has ground to a halt and not one person has even thought of asking you about the magic sledge. Could be a second income for you, hiring out the sleigh for a fee, you could even charge extra for you to drive, ask for cash in hand though or the tax for working your bollocks off doing two jobs barely makes it worthwhile. I am sure you would appreciate the alternate conversation instead of “Santa can I have” you will get some pearlers like “what time are you on to?” and “been busy?”
I have a question, how do you decide who goes on the naughty list and who is on the nice. Is it an immediate cut off point or do you have exceptions to the rule. For example my son bit his sister this morning which to me is a naughty offense, but to be honest if you rock up on Christmas eve with only presents for her the next day is going to be utterly unbearable so can we leave it that I’ll deal with him and you can carry on building his skateboard? Also when considering adults on the list do you look at the stresses they are currently under? I mean I only murmured ‘little shits’ the other day and I am sure the kids didn’t hear me. Yes, I know it not nice to call your children names at the best of times particularly ones which are ‘bad’ words but the little shits had used all my Jo Malone bath oil and soaked the bathroom in their attempt to make a Harry Potter potion. They were hoping to turn invisible, sadly it didn’t work.
Anyway I have sent the kids lists to you up the chimney. Well actually we placed them on the electric fire as we don’t have a chimney and when the kids weren’t looking I whipped them off and stuck a stamp on and posted them to you. See you didn’t have to make a house call so I saved you a job; hopefully you can start scribbling my name back on the good list?
Anyways, let’s presume all is good between us so this year I only want two things please, can I have a bag full of patience, I lost mine last year and life is pretty hard without it. Also my libido has stopped working since I had three kids so can I have a new one or you can have a bash at fixing the old one. Cheers Santa.
Oh one last thing, I know you are busy but Movember has ended, you can lose the tash!