smack on the bum

by

My stress levels are rising, my blood is ready to boil,
Four and a half years of parenting has finally taken its toll.
They argue over nothing, shout like they can’t hear
The naughty step doesn’t work anymore, there is nothing that they fear.

I don’t believe in violence, hitting kids is wrong,
But I am ready to throw an almighty paddy and oh boy its going to be long.
Sometimes I wish I could follow the school of thought that directed my dad and mum,
And reward bad and naughty behaviour with a great big smack on the bum.

When I was growing up and acting just a little bit cheeky,
I remember my nanna leaning over to me and saying to me meekly;
‘Stop that now little miss or the punishment will befit the crime’
Which instantly started me moaning and I had a whinge and whine.

Thwump! the palm would reach me, high up on my backside
Little or no warning meant I didn’t have time to scarper and hide.
‘That’ll give thee somat to moan about’
My lovely old nan would say with a shout!

Quite right as well the moans and wails would very quickly cease
And the house would once again descend into calm and peace.
I don’t remember any actual pain
In reality the smacks were actually pretty tame.
It just ensured and guaranteed that I wouldn’t play up again.

But still I plunder on whilst my children play me for a fool,
One acts like an angel to hide the other breaking a rule.
The naughty steps a haven where they can relax waiting for the whole four minutes to end,
Pondering different ways that they can drive me round the bend.

Mischievousness is a condition by which my children are afflicted.
The only time I sample quiet is when my monsters are in bed.
So help me other parents, are there lessons as yet untold?
What is it that you do when the itch in your hand takes hold?

I love my little devils with each and every chamber of my heart,
But there are times when I could happily leave their company and depart.
So for those of you reading this for who the naughty step is still a cure.
Your toddler clock is ticking so keep your eye on your little him or her.

When the day comes that you realise they aren’t really sorry,
Then head over to this blog with speed, yes that’s right you must hurry.
Hopefully the generous readers will leave a comment below
Saying the best ways to parent and put a clear end to my strife and woe.

Any tips are welcome and I can help in return with kids under three,
After that I’m rubbish so don’t come asking questions of me.
If you want to try and tame them name a weekend and I will keep it free.
And I will pop off to the spa and have some time for me, me, me!

Xxx

15 thoughts on “smack on the bum”

  1. Absolutely fantastic!
    You know, my boy will be 4 in Feb and sometimes I see red to the point my head is going to blow up. My mother did slap – quite often if I recall, and I vowed I would bring up my kids differently. I’m managing, just about, to do that, but occasionally, just occasionally I lose it and he cops a smacked hand. I then hate myself for days. I agree it probably doesn’t do them any harm, but I think, as a parent, a smack is just significant of a loss of control. That said, sometimes I have no idea, like you, what else to do in that moment. I am subscribing to the replies on this … eagerly impatient for that miracle solution. C’mon someone, please, let us share your wisdom!!

    An awesome poem and thank you for sharing what so many of us are thinking. Just shows how similar these problems are for all of us, doesn’t it! Phew!

    MJM x

  2. Oh the woes of parenting small people! I remember one trick worked and that was me throwing myself on the floor, rolling around like a two year old having a tantrum . Shocked my kids into stopping the misbehaviour! I would usually try weird things that they weren’t expecting like jumping up and down and mouthing expletives so they could only see my mouth gowing wildly and no sound coming out. OK they’ve grown up thinking I’m a bit odd but hey…. I call it eccentric! LOL

  3. Just be think everytime they run rings around you, that it could be worse, they could be obsessed with worms, smear thier poo everywhere(even at school), still wet themselves whenever the mood takes them, drink out of puddles, roll around in mud, and eat wax crayons! In other words you could have a Daisy!

  5. Fantastic! Glad it’s not just me! On occasion I confess I have lost control with a tap on the bum! It did nothing butvmskecme feel like a failure! I’m currently reading 123 magic by Thomas Phelan. Just starting it, seems to be working a bit!! I’ll let you know in a week or so. My eldest was 3 in September 🙂

  6. I have no words of wisdom but I really enjoyed the post! I only had one going through those ages, but still felt great pressure to get it right. My daughter was a bit clingy so sending her to her room was a huge punishment for her which usually worked. Finding the right discipline is frustrating though!!

  7. This isn’t going to be much help, but save it up for later.

    When my two were teenagers, squabbly in the back of the car, I missed a turning racing to catch a train I dropped a really bad word. It was the first time they’d heard me swear and I didn’t hear a pin drop for the rest of the journey. Total awe and respect.

  8. Lol I would love to have someone come over for a weekend also so if you find someone please send them my way!

    I’m sure you are doing a great job!!

  9. Its so true and so hard.
    I do think smacking in the way you are talking about has a place.
    One thing I found that helped with my kids was to remove a treasured toy for a while or stop them doing something they enjoy or want, so can’t have friends for tea etc until behaviour improves (added benefit here being you can say no to friend coming over!!!). The other thing that is better is that at least as they get older at least they have a memory !

    hope that is helpful in someway, does sound like you are doing a really good job.

  10. I had a bad day not so long ago and actually smacked my oldest without thinking. It did nothing but make her cry and break my heart.

    I’m sorry I’ve no advice as my oldest is 2.5 years old… I’d love to hear these tips for under 3s, though???

  11. You are a poet and I didn’t know it (see what I did there).
    Genius post.
    Sometimes I think the answer is – time on the naughty step for me. He isn’t going to moderate his behaviour but if I could have naughty step minutes in the Italian Deli Cafe round the corner with a hot chocolate (I’d get 40 minutes at least). I’d calm down and then maybe it would seem a bit easier.

  12. Oh it’s so difficult this one. All kids are so different and where some respond to a dark look or a verbal rebuke others will ignore and carry on. Mine is at the age where she occasionally says ‘no I won’t ‘ if asked to do something she doesn’t want to do followed by ‘ you can’t make me’. Hmmm – now this is what I call catch 22. Ive tried most things but packing my bag and leaving has crossed my mind!! Smacking may help but I couldn’t do it. Back to the drawing board! X great poem

  13. I admit I sometimes smack my kids. With just turned 4 yo it’s the thing that shows him he really has gone too far. I don’t do it to hurt but enough to shock. Wish other things worked but they don’t.

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