This is a curious feeling….
The euphoria from the kids getting the A level results they worked so hard for has settled somewhat and been replaced by a hole in my stomach that feels like it is nibbling away at me; consuming me from the inside out.
They are leaving….
50% of my family will be living under another roof in less than 4 weeks, with one leaving in as soon as two.
I’ve read about empty nest trauma and rejected it as not being right for me, yet it seems to have wrapped itself around my guts like an Octopus suffocating its prey. Some moments I can’t breathe with the knowledge that 18 years ran past me at speed and I am literally counting down the days.
Don’t get me wrong.
I want them to go, I want everything that this beautiful life offers for them. I want them to explore, adventure, find themselves, and be the strong, independent creatures I have raised them to be.
But don’t get me wrong.
Lord, I don’t want them to go, but they have to – its their time.
We bought bowls today, in the discount aisle in Tescos. I had to go and have a moment in the soft toys section.
Note to other suffering parents – the place to have a moment is NOT the soft toy section in Tescos. The sad eyes of the stuffed teddies once again echo how many years have passed in a smattering of moments.
(Plus the staff look at you funny when you stifle sobs by the board games.)
I am SO excited for them, my University days remain my best memories, nights laughing through Tequila shots, surviving on bread sauce soup, smoking roll ups to save cash rather than realising smoking was just an expensive stupid idea. Going to balls in velvet frocks (wasn’t a good look then either), meeting friends for life.
This is all for them to enjoy (except the smoking – they are wiser than me).
But why didn’t I comprehend it would ache this much, kudos to my mother for protecting me from what she always knew was coming.
18 and a half years – simply no time at all.
But it is time.
Ask us first time student mums if we are ok – we will reply yes – because we have done it, we have raised them with wings to fly.
But feel free to bob in and check on us, because we may need people more than before, we have holes in our hearts that we are repairing…
We are adjusting to a new normal, watching what we created soar, live and do all they should…
Keep turning the page, and living the chapters, on I go.