At times I find life terrifying.
(As I suspect many have in 2020)
I have written really honestly about my bout with anxiety last year; and the last 48 hours, it has returned, hopefully for a short stay, but nonetheless, even as I write, I am inwardly panicking about what my life will look like in twenty years, where I will be and what I will be doing.
Twenty years ago, I did not give a rats ass about what I would be doing in twenty years,
And with that nonchalant attitude, I managed to birth 3 incredible children, do ok in my career, carve out some form of work for my own company and I’ve survived an unhappy marriage; and I think I’ve helped my lovely children cope through that.
But, currently I am obsessed with trying to predict the future,
I also know why.
Its because I have fat.
I’ll just let that sit there a minute. In my quest to repair myself mentally, I ignored myself physically. Like I got anxiety, I got fat, and for the last two days – I’ve have had both conditions weighing heavily on my body and soul.
However, I have no desire to let either condition define me, but rather direct me.
I’m being flippant.
When I say I have fat and that is spiking my anxiety. It is actually the consequence of the action that was mistreating my body. I have been pouring in lots of rubbish petrol into my body whilst I looked at ways to feed my mind.
Now – on most days, I feel feisty, focused, I have so many ideas for what I want to do when I grow up that it is overwhelming. But, I don’t feel like me.
I feel heavy, groggy, my passion for fitness diluted by the uncomfortableness of my body when training.
The irony is – I think my passion in life is to work with people like me. People who use food and wine to comfort themselves when they struggle with life. People who have a relationship with food that dictates what is good and bad in their world.
So this is my declaration of self.
I want to help women who struggle with food and a healthy waistline. You don’t need to be thin to be healthy, but healthy inside and out makes us all feel better,
But I need to walk this path myself.
I am lucky, I have roped in two guinea pigs who have agreed to let me coach them, to help them build a happy, healthy, relationship with food, exercise, alcohol and mindset.
I am going to do it alongside.
Because they deserve to not be on a perpetual rollercoaster of yo yo dieting and weight prescribed happiness.
And I deserve to be happy with myself, in body and mind.
Feck it – we all do.
This is my first instalment of a commitment to being happy, to working with others to find contentment.
Watch this space