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Northern Mum

Crossfitting, pancreas acting, single mum to three

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It’s because I have fat

At times I find life terrifying.

(As I suspect many have in 2020)

I have written really honestly about my bout with anxiety last year; and the last 48 hours, it has returned, hopefully for a short stay, but nonetheless, even as I write, I am inwardly panicking about what my life will look like in twenty years, where I will be and what I will be doing.

Twenty years ago, I did not give a rats ass about what I would be doing in twenty years,

And with that nonchalant attitude, I managed to birth 3 incredible children, do ok in my career, carve out some form of work for my own company and I’ve survived an unhappy marriage; and I think I’ve helped my lovely children cope through that.

But, currently I am obsessed with trying to predict the future,

I also know why.

Its because I have fat.

I’ll just let that sit there a minute.  In my quest to repair myself mentally, I ignored myself physically. Like I got anxiety, I got fat, and for the last two days – I’ve have had both conditions weighing heavily on my body and soul.

However, I have no desire to let either condition define me, but rather direct me.

I’m being flippant.

When I say I have fat and that is spiking my anxiety.  It is actually the consequence of the action that was mistreating my body.  I have been pouring in lots of rubbish petrol into my body whilst I looked at ways to feed my mind.

Now  – on most days, I feel feisty, focused, I have so many ideas for what I want to do when I grow up that it is overwhelming.  But, I don’t feel like me.

I feel heavy, groggy, my passion for fitness diluted by the uncomfortableness of my body when training.

The irony is – I think my passion in life is to work with people like me.  People who use food and wine to comfort themselves when they struggle with life.  People who have a relationship with food that dictates what is good and bad in their world.

So this is my declaration of self.

I want to help women who struggle with food and a healthy waistline.  You don’t need to be thin to be healthy, but healthy inside and out makes us all feel better,

But I need to walk this path myself.

I am lucky,  I have roped in two guinea pigs who have agreed to let me coach them, to help them build a happy, healthy, relationship with food, exercise, alcohol and mindset.

I am going to do it alongside.

Because they deserve to not be on a perpetual rollercoaster of yo yo dieting and weight prescribed happiness.

And I deserve to be happy with myself, in body and mind.

Feck it – we all do.

This is my first instalment of a commitment to being happy, to working with others to find contentment.

Watch this space

 

 

 

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Jane is a working Mum of three and has great hair. One of these things may not be true.

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