Many moons ago, when I sat my GCSE’s I convinced my parents that I had failed, when I sat my A levels, I did it again.
The only thing I have failed is Art – mainly because I can’t draw. I am the proud owner of two A’s at A level and a B (and this was way before all that A*** nonsense started.)
My mindset is set to avoid optimism. It is a character trait that I don’t like and one that has held me back from taking a few risks in the past. However, on the plus side, it is also a mindset that drives me from failure, as I am so terrified of doing so, so I work exceptionally hard to attempt to succeed.
However it seeps in when I least expect it.
Today, I trained with my best friend, and despite feeling immensely proud of myself for turning up to my CrossFit box five times this week and getting it done, I spent much of the workout laughing at how unfit I had let myself become.
My friend, known to always to be on hand with a massive wet kipper of realism scolded me afterwards, “you are fitter than you think, sort it out.”
She is probably right, but sometimes hiding behind a giggle and groan feels comforting.
I spend a lot of time, worrying about my future, my teeny pension, my self employed status, the fact that I am raising three kids and most of the time I don’t really know how to adult. As I convinced my parents I had failed every exam, I can convince myself I will be unemployable and homeless at 55.
But I am really trying to change.
Because what if it all goes right?
What if by eating well and going to the gym 4/5 times a week, I get fitter and feel healthier.
What if by working bloody hard and learning new tricks, I build a business empire that I can keep doing well into retirement age if I choose.
What if, my kids continue to turn out exactly as they are now – and remain being bloody amazing.
How much easier is my day then, when all I have to look forward to is more happiness. Even when the path gets challenging, I know the ultimate journey is one that is always weighted in pleasure.
What if it all goes right…..