Parents of Britain, unite – we did it – we survived another long summer holiday.
Kids intact – tick
Parents intact – tick
Bank balance – struggling
Sanity – wavering
Excitement at kids returning to school – overwhelming.
Literally, I have never been so organised in my life, packed lunches are done, gym kit, in its entirety, in a PE bag. Wine in the fridge, school clothes pressed and hung out ready for a body to wrestle inside tomorrow and shoes shined for the first time in 12 months – sitting by the door!
I have got my shit together!
So much so, that I am going to end the holidays without a search for my marbles (that can wait for tomorrow), and instead give you my most overused phrases of the six week holidays.
In fifth place, we have….
“I didn’t raise you like this…”
My all time favourite when I have nothing else to say, comes out regularly when they belch like an alcoholic old man after a six pack of Stella or when they reveal glowing yellow teeth that could light up the highway after divorcing their toothbrush on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour.
Generally comes out when I refuse to accept nuture as a solid reason for my kids behaviour – prefering instead to blame the pack of wolves that have clearly reared them instead.
Coming into fourth place, we have the hopeful….
“Let’s play the quiet game”
This came out several times on the epic journey to our holiday destination in Cornwall, which took longer than a trip to Mars. Safe to say – my kids suck at it.
Third place is all about the food….
“No you can’t have a snack”
What is it about the summer that turns the kids into bottomless starving elephants when it comes to food. The Tesco man has started wearing aftershave when he comes to deliver as he must think I am after him the amount of times I have invited him to my home this summer.
Although options are slim on the male front, so he can keep trying to play his cards right.
“For Fecks Sake”
At one point, this became an hourly repetition, so much so that my lips mouthed it in my sleep.
“Do as I say, not as I do..”
Had to hit the first spot, as three kids running around repeating “for fecks sake” – but feck ryhming more with duck than wreck – meant I had this on repeat in triplicate in order to try and convince my darlings to not mimic the potty mouth of their mother….
But, do I need to repeat – it is over.
They are done.
They are the teachers problem from tomorrow.
For a whole six weeks until bastard half term!