I went to the beauty salon today.
Not for a lovely, relaxing, treatment in a room filled with soothing tunes and incense burners.
I went for a, not as appealing, eyebrow wax.
I should point out at this point that my eyebrow wax’s tend to start at my brow but finish at my chin. Those pesky hairs seem to get everywhere.
It wasn’t quite the same as a massage. As always, as the lovely girl ripped a couple of hairs from my facial area, I questioned as to why men of this day and age get to walk around with huge bristly beards and extremely dodgy moustaches.
Whilst a stray chin hair on a woman can lead to open disgust from the opposite gender and often from other women as well.
My chin has gender issues, it clearly yearns to be a fella.
Anyway, 5 minutes later, and ten quid lighter I was done. I paid my money, and then before leaving, I paused to pick up a price list, thinking that maybe one day I could book in for a treatment for pleasure rather than pain.
It has been a while since I looked at a salon’s price list….
It has been even longer since I looked at the options for waxing downstairs in the baby making zone.
Holy moly – my eyes were opened….
I mean, the options are endless, terrifying, and I reckon the Marquis De Sade designed some of them.
I don’t wax.
The tender area between my legs is quite frankly, a little disturbed by someone wrenching hair from skin with hot wax. I wish I was woman enough to just live with the hair. However I think I was adopted from a family of apes so just so I don’t scare myself silly in the mirror when I wander pass in the buff, I use a cream to deal with the happy zone fluff.
But it would seem there isn’t a cream invented to deal with some of the areas some women are waxing.
Lets take option one….
Standard Bikini Wax
Outside Panty Line removed
I’ll be honest, even the word ‘panty’ made me shudder where I stood.
But I remember this one. I recall having a beautician trying to wax outside my M&S briefs when I was in my late teens. The resounding reflex knee kick she got to the chest left us both of the opinion that, that should be my first and last wax.
High Leg bikini wax leaving a long central line of hair.
So I am presuming the panties are on the floor?
What is so attractive about that one line of hair versus the rest that has been brutally discarded on the waxing room floor. Where does the line end? If you are someone lucky enough to grow a bikini line to your navel, is that where the line begins and ends?
Leaving medium-sized strip or triangle above vaginal area and removing hair round labia and peri anal region.
We are supposed to wax our arse hair!!!!!!
This threw me into a state of confusion. Firstly, I did a secret fist pump – because this salon confirmed arse hair is normal. Then I did a sudden sob, because after years of thinking arse hair was abnormal, then finding out we all have it, I then realised that although we all must have it, us women are supposed to wax the fecker off.
I tell you, if I kicked someone for daring to wax outside of my panty area, imagine what I would do if you came near my peri anal area with some sticky tape….
Then Option Four.
I kid you not, this is how it was written, word for word.
MOST REQUESTED Sphinx
All frontal labia hair and peri anal hair removed.
What the actual….
I am pretty certain most men have a hairy peri anal area, and I am pretty convinced if they had a labia, they would stab anyone who came at it with dripping hot wax strips.
Why can’t I have hair on my labia?
I feel happy I had c – sections with the kids, because god forbid they had trotted down the birth canal, got to the worlds smallest entrance hall, and then as they forced themselves through it, placenta and all other baggage attached, they then realised their mother still had hairs on her labia and were traumatised for life.
Can you imagine the couselling…..
Life inside mum was fine, but imagine my terror when I left the sanctuary of the womb and came out to find a hairy labia staring me in the face. How is a kid supposed to get through life with a start like that….
Forty quid people pay for this naked look. Forty English pounds to rip hairs off an area that nature seemed quite keen for us to have hairy. Have you seen the protests nowadays about chopping down rainforests? I think we should just leave the world, and our labias, and our peri anal areas just as Mama Nature intended.
If the blokes get to keep those beards, then I am fighting for my anal feathers.
Forty quid to suffer to look like a pre prepubescent child.
I’ll keep my money, risk alienation from society for having a hairy peri anal area, and keep my labia as it is….
It is time to book that massage. For a start that is only thirty quid!
Cover image courtesy of Shutterstock