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Northern Mum

Crossfitting, pancreas acting, single mum to three

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The one about dental floss knickers

It was my first time in a bikini, and I won’t lie to you. I felt self-conscious as I looked around me and saw throngs of teenage girls dressed in tiny triangles and dental floss knickers.

I wondered if I could spend all day holding my stomach in and trying to keep my breasts from residing at their usual naval level.

Had I thought it through I would have β€Žworn a smock to the water park….

Luckily, my children seemed not care about the lines on my tummy and the wobble that appears when I walk, and they dragged immediately towards a collection of terrifyingly looking brightly coloured slides.

“Let’s go on this one” yelled Owen, as he started wrapping up his battered ears with plugs and neophane.

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He pointed towards a green and blue striped abomination which looked like it wanted to swallow me whole and spit me out into a pool of ice.

I pretended I couldn’t hear and turned, desperately looking for something less petrifying… like a helter skelter.

The whole place was simply over flowing with sheers drops and death-defying slides.

Put simply…

I was fecked.

The children sensed my fear and it merely spurred them on, adding a little skip to their step as we started to climb 4567 stairs to the top of the slide.

For added fun, they nominated me pack-horse for the day and I had to carry the double inflatable rubber ring that was to be our transport down.

Oh what fun….

Finally we reached the clouds and a twenty something year old, exceptionally tanned young man tried to help me into my ring.

So ungracious was my attempt, that I heard sniggers from the teenage triangle wearing teens that were queuing on the steps.

Eventually my arse was sealed into the burning yellow plastic ring. Creating a suction style plug between the ice cold water and the slide floor.

A child hopped into the ring in front of me, causing no disgrace to themselves at all and whoosh we were off.

My life flashed before me as we hurtled round bends, come precariously close to tipping over the edge, and flew down a drop that can only be described as vertical.

My son whooped in joy and I sobbed in terror.

The end was nigh, but we were going to crash. The water was running out.

I had no choice.

Using all my strength I plunged myself deeper into the ring, forcing my bikini bottom to the floor.

My ass became a handbrake.

My briefs took the brunt of the action.

We survived the ride, and when I left the pool. I realised why all the other girls were wearing thong style bikinis….

And I was finally part of their gang…

Lordy I was glad to be back at the villa…

20150225_115436

 

Comments

  1. Actually Mummy... says

    February 27, 2015 at 10:25 am

    I knew as soon as I saw that picture. What I’m worried about though, is what happened to the bikini top. What on earth were you thinking!?

    Reply
  2. Ashley Beolens says

    February 27, 2015 at 11:50 pm

    Haha, brilliant story, sounds like the kids had a brilliant time πŸ™‚

    Reply
  3. Mammasaurus says

    March 2, 2015 at 2:26 pm

    You nutter. Lovely nutter but nutter nonetheless πŸ˜‰

    Reply
  4. Erica Price says

    March 2, 2015 at 2:43 pm

    I’ve never worn a bikini. This is the sort of cautionary tale that makes me think that’s a wise move. Had to laugh!

    Reply
  5. Sarah Bailey says

    March 2, 2015 at 3:07 pm

    I remember putting my Dad in similar situations as a kid – once he even turned back and walked the way back down and met me at the bottom (I beat him by quite a while lol) x

    Reply
  6. Louisa says

    March 2, 2015 at 3:30 pm

    Good grief. Nothing would have got me on that slide, and in a bikini too? I’m not sure whether you need a medal or your head examining!!

    Reply
  7. Jen aka Muminthemadhouse says

    March 2, 2015 at 6:35 pm

    Oh water parks and two pieces do not work at all! But it looks like you have had a total blast

    Reply
  8. Mummy of Two says

    March 2, 2015 at 7:36 pm

    LOL if I am ever unfortunate enough to visit one of these places I will be packing a full on wetsuit!

    Reply
  9. lisa prince says

    March 2, 2015 at 8:18 pm

    eeesh remember the days when we were younger and we had no fear lol , we would have jumped at the chance, these days however , i fear every thought i have of things like this, too many horror stories , well i say stories i did actually see my dad go on one of these in turkey and come out with the rubber ring around one leg and one arm and him looking a little tangled and shaken up after nearly going over the edge lol x

    Reply
  10. agatapokutycka says

    March 2, 2015 at 10:15 pm

    I just hope that your villa was really close by πŸ™‚
    but… like you said you are part of the gang now…

    Reply
  11. Rachel says

    March 3, 2015 at 10:48 am

    I would have been terrified and not even gone on the slide, I am not a fan of water slides in general x

    Reply
  12. Cherished By Me says

    March 3, 2015 at 11:20 am

    Ooops, my stomach is literally churning for you. Poor you, hehe πŸ˜‰

    Reply
  13. Kara says

    March 3, 2015 at 11:29 am

    you brave brave lady for even wearing a bikini – but are you mad…….at a waterpark???

    Reply
  14. Boo Roo and Tigger Too says

    March 3, 2015 at 12:51 pm

    I thought you’d had a bikini top malfunction, not sure if that would have been better or worse than your bikini thong

    Reply
  15. Mums do travel says

    March 3, 2015 at 3:15 pm

    Well done for going on with them!

    Reply
  16. Joanna Sormunen says

    March 3, 2015 at 7:19 pm

    What a fun post! And the park looks absolutely amazing! I don’t ever wear bikinis, I just don’t have the body or the confidence to do it. I’m all “cover myself in burka kind of girl” LOL

    Reply
  17. Nayna Kanabar (@citrusspiceuk) says

    March 3, 2015 at 7:47 pm

    I really enjoyed reading this. I was in hysterics since it brought to light a similar predicament I had in the summer when we went to a water pack in Florida.

    Reply
  18. Ryan Costello says

    March 4, 2015 at 2:46 am

    This was hilarious! I chuckled to myself almost the entire way through… πŸ™‚

    Reply
  19. Emma says

    March 4, 2015 at 7:27 pm

    crying, simply crying here. I can imagine you kids on these!

    Reply
  20. Jaime Oliver says

    March 5, 2015 at 10:06 pm

    Sorry i laughed all the way through .. this is my holiday! .. this year i am refusing point blank to go on any rides at the water park .. my friction burned ass too weeks to heal!

    Reply
  21. Globalmouse says

    March 6, 2015 at 2:03 pm

    Ha ha so funny!! You’re SO much braver than me!!

    Reply
  22. Shell Louise says

    March 8, 2015 at 1:38 pm

    I don’t do water parks, let alone bikinis. You’re much braver than I am!

    Reply
  23. Fritha Strickland says

    March 9, 2015 at 9:35 am

    haha so funny also you are so brave going on that slide! x

    Reply

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