It was my first time in a bikini, and I won’t lie to you. I felt self-conscious as I looked around me and saw throngs of teenage girls dressed in tiny triangles and dental floss knickers.
I wondered if I could spend all day holding my stomach in and trying to keep my breasts from residing at their usual naval level.
Had I thought it through I would have worn a smock to the water park….
Luckily, my children seemed not care about the lines on my tummy and the wobble that appears when I walk, and they dragged immediately towards a collection of terrifyingly looking brightly coloured slides.
“Let’s go on this one” yelled Owen, as he started wrapping up his battered ears with plugs and neophane.
He pointed towards a green and blue striped abomination which looked like it wanted to swallow me whole and spit me out into a pool of ice.
I pretended I couldn’t hear and turned, desperately looking for something less petrifying… like a helter skelter.
The whole place was simply over flowing with sheers drops and death-defying slides.
Put simply…
I was fecked.
The children sensed my fear and it merely spurred them on, adding a little skip to their step as we started to climb 4567 stairs to the top of the slide.
For added fun, they nominated me pack-horse for the day and I had to carry the double inflatable rubber ring that was to be our transport down.
Oh what fun….
Finally we reached the clouds and a twenty something year old, exceptionally tanned young man tried to help me into my ring.
So ungracious was my attempt, that I heard sniggers from the teenage triangle wearing teens that were queuing on the steps.
Eventually my arse was sealed into the burning yellow plastic ring. Creating a suction style plug between the ice cold water and the slide floor.
A child hopped into the ring in front of me, causing no disgrace to themselves at all and whoosh we were off.
My life flashed before me as we hurtled round bends, come precariously close to tipping over the edge, and flew down a drop that can only be described as vertical.
My son whooped in joy and I sobbed in terror.
The end was nigh, but we were going to crash. The water was running out.
I had no choice.
Using all my strength I plunged myself deeper into the ring, forcing my bikini bottom to the floor.
My ass became a handbrake.
My briefs took the brunt of the action.
We survived the ride, and when I left the pool. I realised why all the other girls were wearing thong style bikinis….
And I was finally part of their gang…
Lordy I was glad to be back at the villa…
I knew as soon as I saw that picture. What I’m worried about though, is what happened to the bikini top. What on earth were you thinking!?
Haha, brilliant story, sounds like the kids had a brilliant time 🙂
You nutter. Lovely nutter but nutter nonetheless 😉
I’ve never worn a bikini. This is the sort of cautionary tale that makes me think that’s a wise move. Had to laugh!
I remember putting my Dad in similar situations as a kid – once he even turned back and walked the way back down and met me at the bottom (I beat him by quite a while lol) x
Good grief. Nothing would have got me on that slide, and in a bikini too? I’m not sure whether you need a medal or your head examining!!
Oh water parks and two pieces do not work at all! But it looks like you have had a total blast
LOL if I am ever unfortunate enough to visit one of these places I will be packing a full on wetsuit!
eeesh remember the days when we were younger and we had no fear lol , we would have jumped at the chance, these days however , i fear every thought i have of things like this, too many horror stories , well i say stories i did actually see my dad go on one of these in turkey and come out with the rubber ring around one leg and one arm and him looking a little tangled and shaken up after nearly going over the edge lol x
I just hope that your villa was really close by 🙂
but… like you said you are part of the gang now…
I would have been terrified and not even gone on the slide, I am not a fan of water slides in general x
Ooops, my stomach is literally churning for you. Poor you, hehe 😉
you brave brave lady for even wearing a bikini – but are you mad…….at a waterpark???
I thought you’d had a bikini top malfunction, not sure if that would have been better or worse than your bikini thong
Well done for going on with them!
What a fun post! And the park looks absolutely amazing! I don’t ever wear bikinis, I just don’t have the body or the confidence to do it. I’m all “cover myself in burka kind of girl” LOL
I really enjoyed reading this. I was in hysterics since it brought to light a similar predicament I had in the summer when we went to a water pack in Florida.
This was hilarious! I chuckled to myself almost the entire way through… 🙂
crying, simply crying here. I can imagine you kids on these!
Sorry i laughed all the way through .. this is my holiday! .. this year i am refusing point blank to go on any rides at the water park .. my friction burned ass too weeks to heal!
Ha ha so funny!! You’re SO much braver than me!!
I don’t do water parks, let alone bikinis. You’re much braver than I am!
haha so funny also you are so brave going on that slide! x