One mothers guide to Thorpe Park

Visiting Thorpe Park, from a mum of two seven year olds point of view…..

1. Don’t be mistaken and think for a moment that because your kids are under 8 you are going to get off lightly.

2. Wear huge knickers, once you have been on Stealth you will spend the entire day trying to retrieve tiny ones from your buttocks.

3. Prepare to shame your kids whilst on “x” (an in the dark roller coaster) by screaming like a baby and crying “I don’t like it“.

4. Get there early and fast track the huge rides, if you have a child under 1.4 you can leave them with the fabulous staff whilst you go screech into oblivion.

5. Don’t feel guilty for hitting the big 5 if the kids are not quite tall enough, they will delight in seeing your white washed face afterwards.  Plus there is more than enough for them to drag you on.

6. Take swimmers – there is a beach! You can sun bathe whilst listening to roller coasters thunder behind you.

7. Close your eyes on Rush – it is terrifying, and even more so when you are on it with your seven year old daughter.

8. Play the donkey derby first thing – you will win a prize.

9. Take waterproofs and an entire change of clothes.  Going on Tidal Wave is equivalent to being drowned but without the lack of oxygen.

10. If you follow all my advice, get a locker, if not you will resemble a pack horse lugging all your extra kit around.

11. Don’t take the kids in the queue for Saw, you will be woken frequently for the next week with questions about Jigsaw.

12. Take a sick bag on the cups and saucers – I feel no further explanation is necessary.

13. Upgrade your ticket on the day and you can get a season ticket until November for little or no pennies.

14. Go early and stay late.  If it all gets too much you can slip off for a quick pick me up – perhaps have this after Colossus though.

15. Don’t try and send your misbehaving seven year old into the human Saw Maze – it is frowned upon by ride operators.

16. Take a packed lunch, then go to the fish and chip bar in Thorpe Park for tea.  You will have walked off the calories.

17. Prepare to go home feeling older but cooler – it is a weird but almost pleasant motherly feeling.

18. Drive out of the car park and look at Stealth and Swarm, rub your chest and say “I did that.”

19. Ignore the fact that the children are flat out in the back and pretend this doesn’t mean they will be up all night.