• Home
  • Work with me / About me
  • Disclosure
  • Terms/Privacy Policy
    • Cookie Policy
    • Website Terms & Conditions
  • Contact

Northern Mum

Crossfitting, pancreas acting, single mum to three

  • facebook
  • twitter
  • instagram
  • youtube
  • mail

My gym swimming pool didn’t have wee in it…

We are well and truly immersed in the summer holidays.  The recycling bin already gives a satisfied clink when you approach it with more food. The days are long and the evenings fractious.

Gin is often the only solution.

I can’t bear to watch the house be beaten by children on a daily basis, so day trips are the theme of the summer.

Yesterday we whittled away the hours wandering round woods, playing cricket in fields, and swinging through the sunshine in the park.

Today was swimming.

I loathe swimming.

I wasn’t always a swimming hater. before children, swimming was a favourite pastime of mine.  I liked nothing more than taking my waxed body to the gym pool.  I thoroughly enjoyed doing a few lengths of the pool in my well fitting swimsuit.  I delighted in relaxing in the Jacuzzi afterwards before having a quiet cuppa in the cafe then heading home.

Now swimming is an entirely different experience.

The gym pool is a financial luxury that was lost many moons ago. Nowadays we are all about the council watering hole.

I spent thirty minutes packing for the event.  Four swimsuits, four towels, two sets of armbands for BB – so she can choose her preference poolside.  Shampoo, conditioner, baby shampoo, detangle spray.  Goggles, diving sticks, and 3 snacks for afterwards.  Plus all of twin girls diabetic bits.

I threw everything in the bag whilst the children wrecked havoc in the house.  Briefly, I remembered when I would grab a towel, swimsuit and head out of the door.  I shook my head, casting aside memories of happier swimming excursions.  This was my chosen path now, grinning and bearing was my only option.

We arrived at our destination.  The local council pool.

We headed in, the children skipping on in haste, me, lurking behind, dragging a rucksack the size of Ireland.

As soon as we walked through the electric doors the heat consumed me and my skin began to drip sweat from ever pore.  The rucksack started to feel like it had rocks in.  I paid for our entry with slippy hands and a forehead coated in perspiration.

We paid and headed to the family changing area.  A badly designed porcelain hell that allowed room for a maximum five people but currently housed ten.  The floor had clearly recently been waxed as BB went arse over in seconds, creating an agonising noise that echoed round the pool, firmly injecting itself in others ears, which would be ringing for days.

The kids started to undress, twin boy launched underpants and socks in opposite direction. Twin girl folded hers immaculately then wailed as her sister walloped them onto the floor in order to secure a seat.

Everyone knew we had arrived.

I tried to change but felt a wave of self consciousness flood over me, giving a momentary relief from the heat.  The other ‘family’ in the room were a mother and her eleven and twelve year old sons.  From the directness of their stares, I think they had already discovered a premature interest in human biology.

I tried to be discreet, hiding my busom behind a Ben Ten towel. Then twin boy wrenched it out of my grasp crying ‘that’s mine mum’ leaving me bent double, swimsuit barely over my crack and breasts dangling down near my knees.

The other ‘families’ boys eyes popped out on cartoon stalks, then the giggles began.

Twin boy joined in, clueless to what the smirking was about. I muttered ‘git’ under my breath, BB misheard me and told twin boy he was a tit.  It was not my finest parenting hour.

I yanked lycra over nipples, threw everything in a bag and headed out poolside.  Returning briefly to collect my knickers that somehow had ended up on a peg, label side out.

I held the bag in front of my bikini line which last saw wax in 2005.  It has been calmed by Veet since then but if I am honest it wasn’t recent.

Hoping no one would spot the foliage emerging from my trusty black minimiser swimsuit, I lobbed the bag in a locker and dashed to the pool, submersing my bottom half before anyone asked if Robin Hood was living in my Sherwood Forest.

We were in.

Within seconds BB had drowned me, splashed me, strangled me and kicked me in the place from where she was supposed to exit had her umbilical cord not wrapped itself round her neck.  Again, my mind fluttered back to the Jacuzzi and the sauna, and water filled my eyes.

Twin boy had found a water gun.

I had the misfortune to be at the pool during Splashtime.

The siren for the waves bellowed round the pool and my heart dropped into my toenails.  The pool started to swirl in an angry fashion and children stampeded over me to get to the action.  A seven year old boy crushed my metatarsal, a toddler used my head to steady herself and took a handful of hair as a memento.  A pre teen whacked me into the water face first as she dove over me to grab a much sought after body board.

I emerged, half blind, mouth spitting out wee infested water.  Mascara dripped on my cheeks in a look Alice Cooper would desire.  One half of my swimsuit seemed to be fast under my bottom cheek and my dignity seemed to be over by the deep end.

BB was snatching at my palm, pulling me into the swelling waves.  She cried with laughter as each furious wave crashed into me, sending me spinning under the water, as I used all my strength to keep her upright and afloat.

My gym pool didn’t have waves.

My gym pool didn’t have pee in it from over excited children and mothers who mistakenly sneezed in the water.

Nor did it have a slide that bit at my legs as I cruised down it, feeling my costume slice me in two.

Nor did it have a shower area where toddlers urinated through their costumes as parents pretended not to see.

I miss my gym pool.

Tomorrow, tomorrow we are going to the library.

I will be safe there.

Comments

  1. Emma says

    July 27, 2013 at 7:35 pm

    I’m chuckling…good luck with the library, you know you have to be quiet in there, right???

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      July 27, 2013 at 9:20 pm

      I can be quiet, can’t speak for the kids….

      Reply
  2. Nikki Thomas says

    July 27, 2013 at 7:42 pm

    Sorry but that is hilarious! I too loathe swimming and I would never be insane enough to take the children on my own! In fact I take them to swimming lessons which cost a small fortune just so I don’t have to take them!

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      July 27, 2013 at 9:19 pm

      we do those too

      Reply
  3. Kerry says

    July 27, 2013 at 8:47 pm

    Thanks for the reminder, swimming is now off the things to do in the school holidays list ! phew

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      July 27, 2013 at 8:54 pm

      I have no choice! BB needs water therapy (swimming) twice a week…. this is my life – save me!

      Reply
  4. Charly Dove says

    July 28, 2013 at 12:03 am

    Hilarious post, good luck with the silent rule at the library! Presume they’ve not abolished it 🙂

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      July 28, 2013 at 8:13 am

      I think it is more relaxed now…..

      Reply
  5. Notmyyearoff says

    July 28, 2013 at 9:15 am

    Hahahaaa oh my god. I’m not laughing, honest I’m not. And to be fair to BB, there were tits everywhere 😉

    Reply
  6. Looking for Blue Sky says

    July 28, 2013 at 9:15 am

    He he, you poor thing! The ratio was a bit different (I had one child, with two adults, plus the hunky lifeguards) though my rucksack was probably even bigger than Ireland. And I nearly did a swimsuits through the decade picture, I swear they’ve doubled in size over the past 20 years *sigh*

    Reply
  7. Mums do travel says

    July 28, 2013 at 9:21 am

    Oh no, you poor thing, what a stressy time. Just focus on the fact that before you know it the kids will be old enough to swim without you in with them!

    Reply
  8. Firefly Phil says

    July 28, 2013 at 10:07 am

    Ah, the joys of motherhood… Make way for the swimming-pool Goth! 😉

    Reply
  9. older mum in a muddle says

    July 28, 2013 at 10:19 am

    Oh my lordy…. what an absolute mare!!!!! I’ve been secretly putting off swimming with Little A for a while…. means I have to do something wax-wise down there. Ps. Don’t trap your fingers in any books! X.

    Reply
  10. Mummy of Two says

    July 28, 2013 at 11:23 am

    Can’t help but laugh you have described the horror of swimming with children and visiting the horrible council pools perfectly! I wouldn’t be without my kids but sometimes, just sometimes, wouldn’t it be great to have that old life back! Great post!

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      August 7, 2013 at 10:05 pm

      Yes!

      Reply
  11. TK says

    July 28, 2013 at 11:54 am

    This is so hilarious, but I feel for your predicament at the same time!

    Reply
  12. The Beesley Buzz says

    July 28, 2013 at 9:58 pm

    Why does packing for the swimming pool with the kids have to be such an ordeal! I remember once we spent so long packing swim nappies, change of clothes, fresh undies etc that once we were finally at the pool and in the water, we realised we had forgotten to bring towels with us!!! Hubby had to rush home and get them. x

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      August 7, 2013 at 10:03 pm

      Nightmare!

      Reply
  13. Circus Queen says

    July 29, 2013 at 10:40 am

    The prospect of hair removal is the main reason we don’t go to the swimming pool!

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      August 7, 2013 at 10:03 pm

      Ha!

      Reply
  14. SAHMlovingit says

    August 1, 2013 at 8:18 am

    Absolutely bloody hilarious….although you’ve put me off going swimming next week for sure (and reminded me to get my Sherwood Forest sorted out!) x

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      August 7, 2013 at 10:02 pm

      Immac!

      Reply
  15. Glenda Gee says

    August 1, 2013 at 8:24 am

    Laughed out loud at this. As someone who is a grandmother and has consequently gravitated to the gym pool I can be smug and tell you that I have a lovely swim at 6.30a.m each week and often have the pool viturally to myself. Be patient. This will come to you one day!!

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      August 7, 2013 at 10:02 pm

      I lack a patient bone. x

      Reply
  16. Grenglish says

    August 2, 2013 at 11:40 am

    This post has had me howling at my desk (sorry) so much so that I have had to email the link round the office so everyone can see what is so funny 🙂
    It’s the way you tell ’em…
    Sx

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      August 7, 2013 at 10:01 pm

      why thanks x x x x

      Reply
  17. HonestMum says

    August 2, 2013 at 2:33 pm

    Cracked me up. This is why I don’t go swimming!

    Reply
  18. Claire says

    August 5, 2013 at 10:52 am

    So true. As well as swimming lessons, we’re going once a week to the pool for “fun”. I used to love it too…not even a gym pool- the same local pool which was always a nicer experience when I was slim, exfoliated, shaved, maybe even a bit of self tan, nice swimsuit and a relaxing swim on my own.

    Now yeah, all the stuff you need, the sweat, the noise, the getting four kids dry and changed after!

    Why do we do it? I might call a sicky on Wednesday…

    (I won’t really!)

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      August 7, 2013 at 10:00 pm

      I would 🙂

      Reply
  19. Monika says

    August 7, 2013 at 12:46 am

    How did you get into the pool with all of them? I can’t go on my own.

    As for the 11 and 12 year old in the family changing room- it’s not on!

    Reply
    • northernmum says

      August 7, 2013 at 9:54 pm

      We fib about our age – don’t tell anyone!

      Reply

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Jane is a working Mum of three and has great hair. One of these things may not be true.

Subscribe to Blog via Email

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 10,117 other subscribers

Categories

  • All Posts
  • BB's journey with DDH
  • Breastfeeding
  • mummyblog
  • Paleo / Crossfitting
  • Reviews / Featured Content
  • Travel / Out and About
  • Twin Girl and Type 1 Diabetes
  • Uncategorized

Tots 100

TOTS100 - UK Parent Blogs
TOTS100

Search

Follow on Bloglovin

Follow on Bloglovin

Previously on northernmum….

Awards!

Tots100 MAD Blog Awards

Looking to Save Money?

Check out my thrify blog, full of ideas to eat and play well  – for less money!

www.fromspendingtosaving.co.uk

Northern Mum

Copyright © 2019 Northern Mum Crossfitting, pancreas acting, single mum to three
Site design with help from DigitalJen

Copyright © 2021 · Slush Pro on Genesis Framework · WordPress · Log in

This website uses cookies to improve your experience. We'll assume you're ok with this, but you can opt-out if you wish.Accept Read More
Privacy & Cookies Policy

Privacy Overview

This website uses cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website. Out of these, the cookies that are categorized as necessary are stored on your browser as they are essential for the working of basic functionalities of the website. We also use third-party cookies that help us analyze and understand how you use this website. These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. You also have the option to opt-out of these cookies. But opting out of some of these cookies may affect your browsing experience.
Necessary
Always Enabled

Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. This category only includes cookies that ensures basic functionalities and security features of the website. These cookies do not store any personal information.

Non-necessary

Any cookies that may not be particularly necessary for the website to function and is used specifically to collect user personal data via analytics, ads, other embedded contents are termed as non-necessary cookies. It is mandatory to procure user consent prior to running these cookies on your website.

SAVE & ACCEPT