Between the butt cheeks – northernmum

Twin boy and girl have been neglected of late, in the chaos of living I have failed to find them a new swimming class after leaving their old one back in July.

Friday night I rectified this and booked them in for a trial at the new local pool.

Happiness spread across their faces when I gave them the news that once more they would be drowning with style under someone else’s tutorage on a weekly basis.

The trial went well, the pool didn’t have the oppressive heat found in most leisure centres and I actually enjoyed watching my children duck and dive in the sparkling blue water both listening and responding well to the woman I hope will be their teacher.

Then it all went wrong,

The trial ended and my two twin fishes climbed out of the pool with a lingering reluctance.  The woman I hope will be their teacher walked over to me;

“What lovely children you have,” she commented.

My heart swelled with pride and it was all I could do not to embrace the woman as I have heard these works spoken of other kids but never my own.

“Thank you.”. I sputtered, a light crimson filling my cheeks.

She went on, “so attentive and eager to please, I only wish my grandchildren were more like them.”

My head swelled to twice its normal size and I only wished I had brought a dictaphone to record this momentous conversation as proof for Tesco Mother of the Year.

Whilst my children and my parenting skills were being applauded I noticed from the corner of my eye twin boy moving closer to hear our chat.  His sister continued to dry herself quietly but he was determined to not miss a word.

As he neared to us he also got distracted, and wearing only a towel his hands strayed to the favourite toy of all boys and men.

As the lovely woman who I hope will be their teacher continued to flatter, my son stood just beside her playing ping pong with his doo dah.

Horror filled me, I couldn’t have this one woman, who we had completely hoodwinked, know the truth about us; so without trying to raise suspicion I stretched out my arm to try and bat twin boy away from his little soldier.

It didn’t work, my lame ass effort only served to notify my son to my shame and in so ignited the fire in his mischievous belly.

The woman who I hoped would be their teacher continued on oblivious to my son who was know thrusting his lower body in her direction, wiggling his naked self and crying ‘weeeeee’ with jubilation.  She turned at one point to see what the noise was all about but I managed to recapture her attention by enquiring about holiday dates in a nice calm voice that hid the embarrassment within.

My sons naked willy wobbling soon attracted the attention of his twin sister and she opened her mouth and said,

“For Gods sake, stop playing with your……”

I tapped her arm and silenced with the almighty mother stare just as the lady who I hoped would be their teacher turned to see what was the chosen toy of twin boy.

Once more I distracted her with a sudden yelp of “oh what’s that in the pool…”

By this point the woman clearly thought I was a little odd.

Whilst she checked nothing was contaminating the pool I managed to yank the towel back over twin boys head and gave him a very loud silent warning.

We started to say our goodbyes to the woman who I hoped would be their teacher and I breathed a sigh of relief that she still saw my kids as angelic.

“Well” she concluded, “children it has been lovely to meet you and I hope very much you will join our class.”

She turned to face the kids and I turned with her.  Twin girl was bent double with tears of glee wetting the floor as twin boy was also bent double, towel over head, arse high in the air with a hand firmly stuck on either butt cheek.

“Thank you,” spoke his backside “it was so lovely to meet you our bottoms hope to be back in your pool very soon.”

The woman I hope will be their teacher no longer thinks my kids are lovely …..

I left with head firmly back at normal size and the familiar sense of shame nestled tight in my tummy.

The kids are still laughing…..