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Northern Mum

Crossfitting, pancreas acting, single mum to three

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the perfect woman: in your face!

Some days I look at you and I despise you. Your perfect barren body mocks mine which has been scarred by childbirth twice over. Your breasts sit high upon your chest, two pert mounds, braless, and yet they don’t sag near your stomach button.

Your make up is impeccable, your teeth gleam in a way which makes me want to pull my lips over mine and hide them away. I’m not sure but I think you wear a size zero, whereas I am closer to a two zero than a zero zero.

Your nails although untouched by colour are perfectly filed and even your feet feel smooth and delicate.

You are the stuff many men dream off and have the body most women could never achieve.

My daughter adores you, she openly embraces you and tells you how beautiful you are.

But today I found your weakness.

Like hercules it is in your hair. When I met you it was perfect, glossy and sleek like a conditioner advertisement. But now after twin girl has pulled you into her bed, trotted you round the garden and taken you in the bath it has become, quite simple, hair that feels like a horses mane.

Mine smells like strawberries after it has been washed, I can brush it till it shines, I can make it like yours once was. My daughter can brush it lovingly, she can’t even get a comb through yours. For this she will always see me as a real woman and you as an empty, plastic doll…

In your face, Barbie!

From a slightly bitter, chubby, mummy.

Comments

  1. Muddling Along says

    October 10, 2011 at 3:30 pm

    Ha! Damn right!

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      October 11, 2011 at 5:59 pm

      I’ll tell her straight!

      Reply
  2. Expat Mammy says

    October 10, 2011 at 3:37 pm

    hahahah love it.x

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      October 11, 2011 at 6:00 pm

      Thanks ๐Ÿ™‚

      Reply
  3. nursemay says

    October 10, 2011 at 3:50 pm

    Brilliant!!! xxxx

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      October 11, 2011 at 5:59 pm

      Thanks you!

      Reply
  4. Maria says

    October 10, 2011 at 5:52 pm

    Hilarious!!!

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      October 11, 2011 at 5:59 pm

      Ta x

      Reply
  5. Bod for tea says

    October 10, 2011 at 7:35 pm

    Tee hee! Wondered who you were addressing at first… very funny ๐Ÿ˜€

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      October 11, 2011 at 5:59 pm

      Thanks x

      Reply
  6. Helloitsgemma says

    October 10, 2011 at 8:00 pm

    Gosh poor barbie – surely there is something that can be done for her hair? What l love about barbs (as I call her) shes always smiling always happy. No matter how bad her hair looks. Never moaning never bitter. Such fun!

    Reply
    • nursemay says

      October 11, 2011 at 12:45 pm

      There is you can use detangling spray!! It works wonders! I have to take the spray to my daughters not too long ago for a barbie birthday cake!!

      Reply
      • janeblackmore says

        October 11, 2011 at 5:56 pm

        Dont! how will I get my daughter to love me more if she doesnt have horse hair?

        (but really what brand? that friggin tangled doll is, well, tangled!)

        Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      October 11, 2011 at 5:59 pm

      Back in your cage mother of boy!

      Reply
  7. Fran (MultipleMumma) says

    October 10, 2011 at 8:05 pm

    Ha ha that told her; the harlot ๐Ÿ˜€

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      October 11, 2011 at 5:58 pm

      Exactly!!!!!!!

      Reply
  8. Firefly Phil says

    October 10, 2011 at 8:40 pm

    Give her her due, she’s a one-man woman. She’s been going steady with Ken for years now…

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      October 11, 2011 at 5:58 pm

      see above comments!

      Reply
  9. Rebecca English says

    October 10, 2011 at 8:45 pm

    Can Barbie cook them dinner, or take them to the park? I’m sure there’s no contest really!

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      October 11, 2011 at 5:58 pm

      Fair point!

      Reply
  10. lotusflowerlily says

    October 11, 2011 at 11:40 am

    Brilliant! ๐Ÿ™‚

    Firefly Phil – She dumped Ken, for someone else! Last I heard it hadnt worked out and I think she wants Ken back! Hussy! ๐Ÿ˜‰

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      October 11, 2011 at 5:57 pm

      Exactly! women lock up your wives….

      Reply
  11. NotMyYearOff says

    October 13, 2011 at 2:41 pm

    Too right!! Ken won’t be with her long now, trust me.

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      October 13, 2011 at 4:33 pm

      Do you have your eye on him?

      Reply
      • NotMyYearOff says

        October 13, 2011 at 8:08 pm

        I’m afraid my hair probably looks like Barbies. If he likes a “real” woman then she has no chance ๐Ÿ˜‰

        Reply
  12. janeblackmore says

    October 13, 2011 at 9:08 pm

    oh dear, never mind, maybe try your luck with Action Man?

    Reply
    • NotMyYearOff says

      October 13, 2011 at 9:30 pm

      They have six packs don’t they? Good idea!

      Reply
      • janeblackmore says

        October 14, 2011 at 7:10 am

        If that doesnt pan out how about Mr Potato Head?

        Reply

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